Cherry Popping

Okay.  It’s the cherry popping.  The first blog, the blank page.. ahh the possibilities.  I love possibilities.  Isn’t that a big part of why I identify as polyamorous?

First, I guess I should say what the “rebel yell” of polyamory is to me.  If you want to know what others think it is or find some cool definitions, there’s lots of sources for great info.  I am partial to polyamory.com, which has wonderful message boards and a great little online community.  Just FYI.

To me, to lowly ol’ unofficial me though, polyamory is ethical non-monogamy, or dating/sleeping-with/loving/connecting/partnering/etc with more than one person with the full knowledge and consent of all parties.  It is NOT cheating.  It is NOT random hookups and is different from swinging.  Bear in mind this is all MY opinion.

I know that swingers sometimes have deep and meaningful connections to their partners and sometimes poly people have little connection with a partner other than sex.  Not everyone is PURE poly or PURE swinger.  I am just saying that to me, polyamory is about relationships with more than one person and about ethical non-monogamy.  People can call themselves whatever the hell they choose as far as I’m concerned. I don’t feel the need to define your relationships.

My husband and I are committed to and deeply in love with each other.  We have a great relationship, a great sex life, and have been together 12 years.  Seriously.. he’s the cat’s pajamas.  We played with the idea of swinging for a while, as a way to have some sexual variety and fun, but we just never took the plunge.  The tiny bit of research we did just didn’t pan out and we found the people we were meeting to be kind of … oh.. I’ll just say it, gross.  I’m not saying they weren’t attractive or that I am a fashion plate myself.  I’m just saying that I found the attitude of things to be sort of icky.  I liked casual sex back in the day.  I really did.  I spent my years sowing my wild oats and had a grand ol’ time.  My hubby is more of a “love guy”, but I was good at separating sex and love and caring and such.  It was fun.  But eventually, and this is just for me, I found that I wanted more.  I wanted to have sex with people I liked and that liked me.  I wanted to enjoy the conversation leading up to and after and I wanted to have humor and passion, connection, longing, lust, friction, concern, and sincerity in my sex.  It was just more fulfilling on more levels.  I became monogamous and settled down so I could really connect and more reliably get that.  Going back to random couplings just didn’t interest me enough to actually act.  Hubby felt the same way.

We found out about polyamory, had 47,000,000 conversations, and took the plunge.  To us, polyamory is opening ourselves to the possibility of first kisses and NRE (hopefully controlled- more about this later), learning about new people and new parts of ourselves, sexual variety and exploration, caring and friendship and love with wonderful people without any disrespect or harm to those we already love.  We’ve been dating about a month now, and it feels like more.  I’ve been researching and talking and reading, and now blogging, and it feels like coming home.  It feels like this is who I am and I’m finally allowed to be that.  I’m not an asshole for wanting.  I’m not awful for sometimes having a hard time closing down a whole aspect of my sexuality (I’m bisexual).  I take joy in my partners joy, most of the time, and he in mine.  I want him to be loved and love and to have great sex.  I want him to be free and to share that freedom with me.  We talk like never before and it has been a renaissance to our own relationship.  I feel closer.  He knows me.. really knows me.  He always has, but now he knows even those secret little parts of me, and he loves me.  It’s really hard to explain the joy of loving someone so much you want absolutely everything wonderful and good for them and to have them know every damn thing about you and love you so fiercely.  It’s not easy, at all.  It downright blows sometimes, the work I have to do on myself and on my relationships and communication, but it is right for me and mine.  That’s polyamory to me.  I reserve the right to change that and grow that and learn more, and that’s polyamory to me too.

cherry

1 Comment

  1. It’s been about 2 years since I wrote this and there is no way I could know how everything would turn out. I have a policy, personal of course, against going back and editing the past. I meant these things when I said them. Almost from the beginning some of this wouldn’t be true. I started writing this blog to have somewhere to put the things I was thinking and feeling and experiencing. Quickly things changed. About 9 months from this date Hubby and I would separate and shortly after that divorce. I wish I could seal that up in a neat little packet. But I can’t. I feel sad for the hopeful me that wrote this, and grateful too. Life is so much more complicated and has so many shades of gray and I miss that false surety. This all sounds so maudlin and I don’t mean it like that. I’m happy. But a lot of really difficult things happened between then and now. A lot of beautiful and amazing things happened too, of course, but I guess I’m still figuring some things out and I’m still healing. Hubby would leave me for RollerGirl, and then he’d treat her like he treated me too and they’d break up and he’d be monogamous with the woman who walked our dogs. She’s a nice woman and I think they’re happy and I’m happy for them. She began dating him behind my back while we were separated, and he’d lie about their relationship for about 6 months, but it’s still not really sure if she understood she was sneaking around with him or not. He told me a lot of things about why he treated me the way he did, but honestly it’d never be clear and so many of his statements would conflict that it will likely never make sense to me. That, almost more than anything would be the most difficult part of all of this. It just wouldn’t ever make sense.
    So, I’m here two years later. I’m still blogging and I’m still poly and I still think it’s how I should be and how I was made and I stand by the fact that it’s hard. I’ve had to grow in ways I’ve never expected and have had to examine myself and deal with my insecurities and old things. I would be handsomely rewarded for this with love.. so much love. I don’t have my false security anymore, and I won’t lie. I miss it. I don’t know what will happen and I know that the worst can happen and I also know that even when it does you can go on and be okay. And I really hope my dreams can come true. As I write this my life is full of so much love and support. It’s not perfect and I’m alone a lot, and I cry maybe more than I should, but even with all of that I’m happy. I’m healthy. And I’m loved. It’s wonderful. It’s just complicated too. I hope eventually to be able to look back at all of this without the ache. I can see that this is possible at least. This is an old post and pretty likely to be never read.. but if it is.. or if you start here from the beginning, I just want to say not to be too worried. I turn out okay. It all turns out exactly as it should and we’re all okay, even if the journey was arduous at times. If you feel like it, drop me a line at my email or Facebook and let me know what brings you here or what you think. If nothing else, I hope all of this helps someone. It helped me to write all of this and I hope it’s useful to someone else too. Hugs. And good luck. We’ll all need it.

    Like

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