Something tells me this will not be the last time I write to you dear blog about character defects and poly. It’s obvious that relationships can really point out our rough edges and be places where the less lovely bits of us rear their ugly heads sometimes. Anyone who has ever been in a relationship knows this.
Poly is the relationship Olympics and I am woefully ill-prepared. Tonite I totally lost my shit and created BIG DRAMA.
My hubby went out on a platonic date thing with the girlfriend of a guy I’ve just begun to date. I fought it, but kept placating and it just kinda happened anyway. It’s not that I have some issue with my honey dating seemingly wonderful women (and she totally is), it’s that I can not stand to be in another clusterfuck tangle where I am dating someone that is in a relationship with someone my honey is dating. I know lots of people must do this successfully, but it hasn’t been my experience and I’m just not a fan.
See, here’s the complicated back story. Hubby is dating roller girl and Roller Girl lives with Kinky boy. (Cute nicknames are best I feel). Kinky boy and Roller girl are exes who live together and raise a daughter together. At the time we began seeing them they were very amicable, and in fact seemed to be in a relationship regardless of what they claimed. They still slept together nightly, had sex, co-parented and even went on dates together. Fast forward about a month and there’s some snags both between them and with the situation of dating them. They rock, don’t get me wrong, but in “tangles”- hereafter coined to mean two couples where members are both dating members of the other couple- the game of telephone is astounding.
It can be fairly harmless. Say Roller Girl wants to go home at 12. Hubby tells me that he’ll be home at 1 after dropping off Roller Girl, and I tell Kinky boy that Hubby and Roller Girl will be done hanging out at 1 and Kinky boy calls Roller Girl upset that she will not be home to watch their child at 12 like she said she would. Meanwhile, Roller Girl never had any intention of coming home late. It’s a game of tangle telephone.
It can also be more sinister in both innocent and devious ways, I’m finding. Let’s say Roller Girl and Kinky boy are a great couple with no real issues and total trust. They NEVER talk bad about each other. Well, let’s say Roller Girl mentions to Hubby how Kinky boy and Roller Girl went thru some bumps when they first became poly. She’s sweet and she’s relating to Hubby. Let’s say it took Kinky boy and Roller girl a while to figure out what they wanted from relationships and the first few were simply sexual, but that now Kinky boy is working on learning to pursue more of a relationship and Roller girl has been for a while. Then Hubby tells Wifey that Kinky boy was more of a “hit it and quit it” kinda guy back in the day, and that he’s just learning about relationships now. Now we have Wifey worrying whether pursuing Kinky boy is a good idea because he is a slut and he’s just now learning about relationships?!? It double sucks because it’s not from something kinky boy said or did but from 3rd hand innocently put but totally misunderstood info. This my dears is tangle telephone.
Sometimes it’s just annoying and sometimes it’s fundamentally dramatic. Scheduling can be a nightmare requiring multiple calendars a timer and a conference call. Sometimes it’s incredibly stressful, such as when Hubby hates kinky boy because he’s heard stuff from Wifey, talking about little disappointments and the occasional injured feeling and wifey doesn’t really go on and on about kinky boy’s great traits, attempting not to arouse hubby’s jealousy. Now add to this that Kinky boy and Roller girl broke up, and had real problems because they are real people. Now Hubby has heard much more than he would if it was just someone Wifey was dating. Now Hubby hates Kinky boy and thinks he’s an asshole for every real and imagined thing Kinky boy did or didn’t do that may or may not have hurt either of the women in his life.
That pretty well describes my weekend. So, imagine my lack of glee to have Hubby date my new potential Great Date’s gal. Yeah. Feel that lack of enthusiasm. So I tried to say that I didn’t want it. I did. Hubby finally agreed to just hang out and have coffee with potential Great Date’s gal. They had a great time and dammit.. now Hubby wants to date great date’s gal. I try to say no and keep backing up and feelilng bad for disappointing hubby. I try to make my case that it’s just too complicated and I’m shell shocked from this weekend. Nobody really feels that. Great date makes the case that they are in a totally different situation because they are a happy couple. Hubby makes the case that he knows better now and well..Great Date and his gal do have a “no smack talk” rule.. so.. what can it hurt.
Fine. Date Great Date’s gal.
Before they can even schedule a date however the tangle telephone game begins. Hubby says “Hey, just a heads up. Great date kind of has a history of being more into the hunt than the prize. It was never phrased in a bad way to Hubby. It was just background in the story of how Great Date and Great Date’s gal became poly or whatever. Hubby doesn’t even mean anything by his “hit it and quit it” comment or question. But I, well.. I freak the hell out. Here we go! Hubby spills all of his concerns and they are addressed easily because Great Date and I have talked at length and it’s easy to understand and explain the errors in communication. I point out to Hubby and I point out to Great Date that the tangle telephone has begun, but I’m so freaked by the association that I phrase things even more strongly than they were already too strongly phrased by Hubby after Great Date gal’s innocent meaning comments. Now actually I am the majority of the tangle telephone problem and it’s actually me creating the problem! I end up spending about an hour clearing up the confusion and hoping to mend the rift of the mega drama. I’m left feeling kind of raw and embarrassed, and Great Date’s gal and Hubby agree not to date just yet and to spend a little time getting to know each other and not talking about me and Great Date. It gives me time to sort out my shit about tangles and my reaction to the recent explosion of our tangle with Kinky boy and Roller girl.. and this is good because it’s growth and it’s important.
Having said all that.. I honestly do desire to get rid of this fear and strong reaction, if for no other reason that my own peace, but damn if I’m just still not eager to be in another tangle. I’m going to do good stuff.. eat well, exercise, some self care and some processing. I’ll get better. Dammit though.. I think I need a single poly to date. Thank god for my date coming up on Friday.