Ups and Downs

Welp.. it’s been a tough couple of days in polyland with a few very exciting and wonderful times.  I think people get the impression that poly is all about the sex.  It’s at least somewhat about the sex, and I’ll be honest about that, but I think poly is also all about the communication, connection and growth.

I gotta tell ya, that ain’t always fun and easy, but it sometimes is.
Poly is talking and talking and then a little more talking.  Poly is examining myself and my motives and my contribution to things.  It’s figuring out what I want and need and learning to express it.  It’s listening to my partners and their wants and needs.  It’s negotiations.  It’s making boundaries and letting go and opening up.  It’s exposing things that I’m not comfortable exposing all the time.  It’s being honest and trying to be gentle with those I love.  It’s work.

So why do it?

It’s also the excitement of the first kiss and of someone I really really really like.  It’s making out in the back of a car with “Great Date” and aching to do more, but tantalizing ourselves with just that for now because maybe there could be something there worth more than what sex too early might consign us to.  It’s laughter and talk and learning about someone really great. It’s chemistry and loving the way he smells and tastes and the succulent imaginings of possibility.

Polyamory is also exploring totally new parts of myself and of sex with “Kinky Boy”.  It’s finding out the beauty of endorphins and subspace.  It’s learning to ask for what I want and for the pure joy of letting go completely and submitting, turning it all over and learning to trust.  It’s aftercare and snuggling and an exciting mind and humor.  It’s slowly letting myself be more vulnerable than I am really comfortable being and of saying olive juice because I feel something pretty special for him, but I just can’t tell him that I love him yet.

Poly is also compersion, and watching my husband building a relationship with a girl who is beautiful and kind, and who I genuinely like on so many levels; as a friend, a sexy potential lover, a twisted humor, a confidant of sorts, and a person I respect.  I want to talk to her and cuddle her and kiss her and learn her body and her mind, but first I want to let my husband connect with her and to take joy in their connection and the sweetness and flush of new things.  It’s really and truly loving him so much that I feel like I’m falling in love with him falling in love.  It’s so beautiful to be part of giving him that joy and to have the security to know that it doesn’t take away from our love and connection.

Poly is also the excitement and trust, communication and love that are flowing between me and my hubby.  I feel scared and elated and overjoyed that he and I are doing this together.  It’s amazing to get to know these vast other parts of him and watch him explore and feel him backing me up and encouraging me when all of this is tough.  I’m a little self-conscious at times and dating has brought up some of my insecurities.  I’m dealing with them and I am not alone.  I am actually dealing with the heart of the heart of the thing now, and I feel closer and more connected to my man than ever before and I didn’t think that was possible.  We are connecting sexually in an exciting new way as the energy of dating is splashing back into our relationship and we are being more passionate and more creative.  I am having a hard time remembering why we got into our “more than perfectly fine but a little rote” way of connecting. I am remembering my own first flush of love with him and reliving those heady days.  There are ways I’ve taken him for granted and my eyes are open now.  My husband and I are courting each other too and talking so much we are hoarse.

It is difficult challenging work sometimes and it’s being ok with being uncomfortable, but it’s wonderful too.  I love the possibilities and promise of my new and fledgling connections and the strengthening of old ones.  I love the potential of love and more love.  I am in love with polyamory right now, even though it’s been a very rough couple of days in many ways.  I love the resolution.

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