Brushing Yourself Off

Okay.. so yesterday I had to face that I’d been a royal douche nozzle.  It’s not a feeling I am either overly familiar or comfortable with.  I just don’t live my life in a way that is terribly selfish generally.  It was a shock to me that I COULD be so unbelievably wrong.  Honestly, I strive to have peaceful relationships with people.  I work in a job that earns literally half of what I used to make as a biomedical engineer because I love what I do and I serve people who really need the help.  I volunteer and have volunteered for a long time.  I never made fun of anyone in school.  I was the kind of kid that would pick the ugliest tree on the tree lot because I worried no one would take it home and it’d be lonely for Christmas.  I am a freaking tender hearted soul… honestly.  But, having said all that I realized that I need to be more diligent with my words and with my actions that affect others.  It’s really given me pause to think I could be so senseless.  The part that keeps coming back to me is that I didn’t even mean it.  I just flippantly wrote without a care in the world that I was talking about a human.

I talked with Great Date and with Roller Girl, and Kinky Boy and Hubby about blogging and our relationships and such.  They asked me to do pretty much what I ask them to do.  Please don’t make comparisons.  I hate comparisons too and I don’t think they really belong in poly.  People aren’t better or worse or whatever, they are differently suited.  I really like and appreciate different and special things about the people I’ve been lucky enough to bring into my life.  I do not have the same relationship with them and they all bring such differently amazing things to our relationships and out in me.

I have gotten permission from each of them to write about them and say pretty much whatever I’d like to say.  I’ve been thinking a lot about saying what I mean and meaning what I say and about how to ensure that I am honest and open not only with them but in my blog too, and that I try to say things in a way that is conscious of others.  I thought this could be a place I could anonymously vent and be silly or funny or whatever, and it’s not in some ways, but maybe it can be an additional place to kind of openly share what’s up and maybe like everything else in poly it seems, this will help me grow.  I keep saying, it’s not always comfortable but it’s good to grow.


  1. So, I think this is beautifully put.

    I face similar dilemmas. I really am trying hard to make my blog funny, but I have to face the fact that sometimes “funny” and “cruel” are at best a half-step apart, and sometimes not even that. I’ve really been reconsidering rewording some of my older posts in order to make them “kinder,” but then my voice wouldn’t be my own any more. Instead, I’m taking steps to remove links between my OkCupid profile, the Meetup group, and my blog. That way my blog will be much more truly “anonymous,” and anyone who goes there will have to know that it’s brutally honest (hopefully not dropping the “honest” part) and not always “nice.” But since there shouldn’t be any “trail of breadcrumbs” to follow to figure out who is who, nobody should know that, for instance The Ex is really — (you didn’t think I was going to say it, did you?)

    I also danced a little into posting about sex. This is a tough one for me, because — like you — I really want to avoid comparisons. Everyone “fits together” differently with sex (literally and figuratively), and sometimes someone is a little “meh” in one area, but fan-freaking-tastic in another area. And sometimes first encounters aren’t the greatest, but as you know and learn each other’s bodies, things improve. So it’s really important to me to avoid disparaging anyone’s sexuality, because this is such a core, intimate part of who we are. But then again, when you have such a phenomenal experience — like I did with my friend the other night — you just HAVE to tell the world. So… dilemma. I’m going to try to do as you are — walk the line between openness and sensitivity.

    I don’t think this is exclusively a poly problem, by the way. I bet that an author who writes, say, a biography has the same issues — how do you treat someone who behaved in a way that would be embarrassing to read about? Do you not include the story? Do you gloss over it or “church it up?” Or do you just write about it as honestly as possible and trust the people involved to be able to deal with it? See, it has nothing to do with poly, and everything to do with writing publicly. Poly just means that love and sex are involved, and that ALWAYS complicates thing.

    BTW, excellent use of “douche nozzle.”


  2. Pingback: Finito | seattlepolychick

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