I had a very strange offer yesterday. Kinky Boy’s monogamous (I thought straight) girlfriend asked if she could join me and Kinky Boy on our date Saturday. We have never flirted, and have met a total of maybe 5 times. She’s very nice and I genuinely like her.
So, this week we had coffee once and talked generally about poly, dealing with jealousy, NRE, what it’s like to be new to poly, etc. Good stuff. She’s been having trouble with Kinky Boy being poly and I tread very carefully, attempting to let her know I am no threat and totally not wishing to steal her boyfriend and run away with him. Kinky Boy and I became involved at almost the exact same time as he and his girlfriend and I’m married and she isn’t. It was good.
Then we all had lunch and that was good.
Then she had some trouble, I don’t really know much about over the last weekend, to do with poly but I’m unsure what.. and now she wants to join us!?!?!?
Kinky Boy has a consuming desire to be in a triad and has for years. He read it in a book as a young man and it’s his holy grail. I’m bi and totally happy to entertain the idea of a partner if it’s the right one, but having sex with his very sweet struggling girlfriend who seems to be swallowing poly and kink and girl/girl action for his benefit alone? Not appealing.
I’ve had bad threesomes before. Ones with lots of rules or where things were cool only because someone was not being honest about their feelings and then were hurt. I have to say that I’m just not super turned on by the idea of torturing another human (in that way). I see images of her, frozen and mortified at me touching her or her touching me. I see the hurt look on her face while her boyfriend has sex with me. Um.. no. Nothing about that appeals to me.
She explains that she’s not sure how she feels about a relationship with Kinky Boy and I together or anything, but that she wants to be with me only with Kinky Boy and that she thinks she “could do it” and that she “could handle poly if it was something we did together maybe”.
I told her as gently as I could that I was not desiring to let go of my individual relationship with Kinky Boy, and that I cared deeply about him, that this was something the two of them needed to talk about and that I would respect whatever agreement the two of them made for their relationship. Kinky Boy doesn’t want to have poly this way, and I know it, but it wasn’t my place to tell her that. It’s his place to be honest with women he is starting relationships with.
She asked me what my relationship with him meant to me, and what I got out of it. I didn’t want to tell her really, but I felt like it was the right thing to do to tell her and Kinky Boy had asked me before I went to lunch with her to be honest. She saw my hesitation and asked me to level with her.
I had to tell her that there was the sex of course, which is what I know she knows of our relationship, but that it was a lot more than that to me. I love the cuddling and talking and sharing of ideas. I love his off the wall humor and his quick mind. I love the debates we have about politics and social policy. I love our shared love of psychology and our patients, and our own messed up childhoods. I love talking to him about poly and about relationships, and I love the kink. God how I am falling in love with the kink.
I love how much he loves my paintings and that we read so much of the same nerdy non-fiction stuff. I told her that though I couldn’t say it back to him yet, that I did “kind of you know sort of love him”, but that saying that to someone gives them so much power to hurt you that I would not say it for a really long time. She said she understood and told me about their relationship too.
I didn’t want to have sex with her, but I did want to hug her. Kinky Boy wants this so badly and she wants to please him. I have an idea about where situations like that end up, but I kept that to myself.
Thank you, but no thank you.