I'm telling you I love you.

So, it seems “I love you’s” were flying around this past weekend.  I’m kinda stoked/scared/happy/sad and torn about all that.

Hubby thought Roller girl told Hubby she loved him.  This is good if it happened, honestly.  I WANT him to be appreciated and loved and cared about.  He’s frickin’ awesome and I don’t think they are being foolish though they are in NRE (new relationship energy- read something like infatuation).  I still know he loves me and that isn’t changing though I can see he’s falling for her too.  I have compersion (a feeling of joy in your partners joy) about it most of the time and a kind of vicarious giddiness and happiness for them and am getting in some way to be a part of this.  It’s kind of the point of polyamory that we might find and develop connections and that there may be love.

everyone says I love youI won’t lie though.  I feel less sweet things about this too.  I am a human being.  It’s really fast.  It scares me a little and I hope he can really love two people and  be in love with two people, because I’m not ready to let go of any part of that with him.  It’s the difference between a theory and reality.  We BELIEVE we can love more than one person and see it in others and have felt it in ways.. but I don’t yet KNOW what him loving two or more people romantically will be.  I feel good about it, but yeah it scares me a little.  I am nuts about the guy and I don’t want to lose him.  Roller girl isn’t asking for me to lose him, and I know that, but still.. I feel a little… I don’t know.

There’s also the selfish part of me that says “where is my fucking love!?!”.  Kinky Boy says he loves me, but he is in NRE with someone else, and let’s be honest… it’s a pretty limited love.  He’s a busy guy and he’s providing all he promised he would to our relationship, and I’m happy with it, but it’s certainly not NRE and it’s probably not lasting deep love.  I think he loves me like you love a friend or a really cool person.  He’s not in love with me and probably won’t be.  Most of the time I’m totally okay with that.  Roller girl digs me and I dig her, and we have a very very cool whatever we have, but we aren’t yet falling in love, though we care about each other and love is a possibility someday.  It’s just not there yet.  Great Date and I are awesome.  We like each other a lot and things are what they should be.  He’s totally a potential, but it’s just early days and we’re working out scheduling things to see each other more.  We talk a lot, which I totally love.  He’s great, but we aren’t all NRE either.

It’s okay that I’m not in NRE and I get intellectually that this is better.   It does kind of hurt though.  Everyone is sprung but me and no one is sprung for me.  Nobody is writing me poems and sending me songs and playlists and wanting to spend all of their time with me or whatever.  A sick little part of me cries “WHY?!”.  It asks if I’m not lovable and why I don’t deserve devotion or giddy praise.  It wonders where my gushing heart is.

It sucks to have this part.  It really does.  It doesn’t help to watch the giddy slap happy gooshing that Roller Girl and Hubby have or the obsessive attention that Kinky Boy and his girlfriend have.  I find that I can think this through and that I understand that it just isn’t my time yet and that it’s okay, and that my relationships are satisfying to me and exactly where they should be.  I don’t spend a lot of time in this neighborhood but I do sometimes drive through.  It’s a very unlovely part of me that would be selfish like this.

I told Kinky Boy that I loved him this weekend too, but in my defense it was post-coital.   I am not in love with him, but I care about him and probably love him like he loves me.  I tried to take it back, which is kind of hilarious and he wouldn’t let me.  I worry about it, because telling someone you love them is giving them the power to hurt you.  It’s being vulnerable, and I’m not a huge fan of vulnerable.  But there it is.  I told him I loved him and I couldn’t take it back.  Roller Girl loves Hubby and she can’t take that back, and Hubby is falling for Roller Girl and can’t take that back either.  It’s a scary/happy/exhilarating/lovely/sad/wonderful time, all this “love”.

3 Comments

  1. I used to think I was an infatuation junkie. Until someone was infatuated with me. Then it made me run screaming. I think I’m okay with not having the poems and songs written about me type of thing. For me it’s suffocating. I’d like to have more like what you have now.

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