is too much info… dangerous?

I’ve been wondering lately, how much is too much to share?

I know it’s totally individual really, and that different people are comfortable with different levels of information and this, like everything else in polyamory, requires communication.  I get that.  But.. what’s like, advisable?  Are there pro’s or con’s to sharing or not sharing different kinds of info and how much and with who?  Sometimes it’s a turn on to hear sexual info about one’s significant other’s others, but I also know it could bite you in the ass later to have that info available as ammunition in a jealous tear.  I haven’t had it happen yet in poly but I have been on both sides of that in monogamy.

oil wrestlingMy hubby told me this really hot story about a time he got all lubed up with an ex on a shower curtain, resulting in the one of the hottest sex sessions he’s had and the best anal sex of his life.  He was really lit up talking about her little white panties and the curtain and well.. lots of stuff.  I had my marching orders.  We hadn’t yet had anal sex and my hubby is a well endowed guy, but I decided that if she could do it that I could too dammit.  I would not be bested by his high school girlfriend.

What a freaking mistake!  No matter how he insisted it wasn’t a driving need for him, it became a MISSION of mine to have successful back-door fun.  We tried and it was awful.  We tried new lubes, new positions, doing it before or after orgasm, doing it with varieties of foreplay and at varying levels of excitement for both me and for him.. no avail.  I’d had a great time with it with other less strapping guys so I felt like it was only a matter of time and patience.  It was not.

He begged off at varying intervals and insisted we stop trying because he really doesn’t care about it all that much and it was clearly detrimental to me.  I kept at it, talking him into it time and again with increasing difficulty.  Eventually it worked and we both had a great time with it, until afterwards and it became clear that I was pretty damn injured.  I hadn’t noticed it during the heat of things, but stuff was not well in Denmark.  I had to go to the doctor about it because it was so bad.  I was fine and healed fit as a fiddle eventually, but that was it.  He drew the proverbial line in the sand and said that he would not be participating with me in future anal endeavors.  He is just not a fan of hurting his partners in a real way.  It’s a huge turnoff for him.  I finally acquiesced and gave up.  I hadn’t actually bested his high school girlfriend in this way, but I’d at least accomplished my lesser mission and I decided to concentrate my efforts elsewhere in the besting department.

I’ve had 12 years now to perfect a few things and I feel pretty damn excellent about our ability to please each other, but I’m finally wise enough to see that I don’t NEED to best his past lovers at any specific thing because it doesn’t really work that way.  I don’t compare him to my past or present lovers that way.  I just don’t.  I am crazy in  love with the man.  He’s an amazing lover and an amazing man.  I feel no lack with him, and I know he feels no lack with me.  In poly I enjoy both him and the variety and wonder that poly brings.  I don’t sit around comparing my lovers and I try really hard to not think about them comparing me.

I am the only me they have though, so I do try to be the best me.

But having said all that.. beyond comparisons, is too much info dangerous?

And having said all that, praise be to Roller Girl.  I shared that little bit of info, about what Hubby may have been lacking, and she took care of that for me.  Awww.. metamours.  🙂


  1. I would say yes, and no (helps, dunnit?)

    Yes because someone who’s going to feel insecure sexually will always find new fodder for insecurity in hearing about past escapades. I had a (potential) lover telling me about her current twitterpation, and she was trying to tell me that he was well endowed, which was nice, and all. But she sort of went into it “no, he’s HUGE! And he’s like a MACHINE!” I think I might have sort of clammed up at that point because she quickly changed the subject, but that touches on one of the insecurities every damned guy in the world has: penis size (trust me, even guys who say that they have never worried about it, have worried about it).

    No, because ultimately that’s my issue, right? If I’m so horribly insecure that I can’t feel compersion for this person getting great sex, then that’s something I need to work on, right?

    That being said, there’s something to be said for being gentle. If the person you’re telling IS “competition” in some way to a past or future lover, be mindful to not openly disrespect them in the telling. I try to not tell my lovers too many details about each other because… well, I find insecurity *is* more common than compersion. And I definitely deal with it myself.

    Complicated answer for a complicated question 🙂


  2. Yeah, I am new to all the being totally open with one another about sex with other people concept and its been a little difficult for me. Its funny that you don’t always know what is going to push the other person’s buttons either. I said something once and the guy I am seeing told me it was TMI. I didn’t even really understand WHAT I had said that bugged him and to illustrate my point I don’t even remember what it was, lol. Same as the other day when he told me some woman “gets really loud” in bed. I didn’t like hearing that at all. I can get pretty loud myself at times, and he claims to love it so hearing about someone else just rubbed me the wrong way. Personally I don’t want to know too many details because its hard for me when I am emotionally involved with someone as it is. I’m still trying to make it through the fact that he is WITH someone else, knowing details is too stressful and makes my imagination go overboard.


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  4. I think it depends on the time and day. Some days hearing about a lover’s past conquests doesn’t bother me one bit, other days it does. I’m not a very insecure person, but there are definitely times when I feel threatened in ways that surprises me. In short, my answer would be “yes and no”. Sorry not to be of much help.


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