examining every feeling ad infinitum

I read a review of the show Polyamory Married and Dating and laughed my ass off at the comment of one reviewer that “those people examine and talk about every hint of a feeling ad nauseum”.  Hilarious.

I’m feeling out of damn sorts today and I have no idea if it’s me or her or her or him.
Roller Girl is having a birthday this weekend and her sister is coming in from out of town to celebrate.  Very cool stuff.  We are invited to the party and very grateful to be so.  Problem is, the sister is staying with Roller Girl and Kinky Boy and to preserve the sister’s view (and by extension the entire family’s view) of Roller Girl and Kinky Boy as an ordinary broken up couple who are raising a daughter together and progressively being okay with Kinky Boy’s girlfriend pretty much living there, this means no dates for Roller Girl or Kinky Boy at the house.  No problem.

After much back and forth they both decided this meant no dates for the weekend.  Dammit!  Kinky Boy could have come back to my house and still had our date after the party but he COULD NOT wrap his head around how.  Uh.. we all go to the party, you with your girlfriend and me with my hubby, and your girlfriend goes home to her perfectly wonderful apartment and you come home with me because my hubby won’t be there?  Nope.  He couldn’t get that.  I gave up after about 3 minutes of trying to explain that.  I’m disappointed but whatever.  What started to get to me was Kinky Boy’s girlfriend in the background saying how it just wouldn’t work.  I was a little pissed that she was weighing in on my date and my relationship frankly.  She asked him “Is she freaking out about this?”

girls-talking-smackFreaking out?  Uh.. no.  I was trying to have a conversation with my boyfriend about why he cancelled the date so that I could understand it and move on.  I wasn’t crying or upset or gnashing my teeth for Christ’s sake.  Unfortunately I think I know exactly what this is.  She also commented a few times about how this one time I sent him 4 texts in the course of a day when he’d forgotten his phone at home seemed  “pretty insecure and needy”.  The texts were “g’morning sweetness”, “What do you think about a play sometime”, “Hello?” and “What are you up to today love?”.  Not exactly psycho material.

She has also declared that she would like to start coming on our dates and would like a threesome with me.  She does not wish to pursue me individually however.  She seemed straight and like she was being pulled into this poly stuff and kink stuff and the idea of a threesome and it was really not hot.  I said I didn’t want to give up my dates for this.  Then I talked to her and then she was very flirty and kinda seemed to clear that up.  Now she’s talking about how it will all be easier when she comes with him on Fridays.  Uh.. Mkay.

Kinky Boy and I have gone from lunch 2-3 times a week to lunch on a set day.. Tuesday.  She started packing their lunches together.  I think I’m being wormed in on and I think I’m being had.  Of course he isn’t fighting any of it, so maybe not.  Maybe I’m wishing to see the girlfriend as the villain when really it’s just Kinky Boy not really giving a shit.  I don’t see him trying for more lunches or working hard to see me either.  Argghh.. work calls.

***update.  I had coffee with the girlfriend, as we sometimes do, and tried to clarify with her when she again referred to me as freaking out that I had not in fact freaked out but had asked Kinky Boy calmly why we had to cancel.  I tried to ask if she’d gotten the wrong impression that I am some needy emotional person.  We talked about how Poly has brought up things for me in the past and how it exposes stuff in people and relationships.  She insisted that I had freaked out, and that I could not let it go last night.  She became angry and got mean and told me that it was really needy that I had asked him “again and again” stuff that he’d already answered and that I “wouldn’t take no for an answer”.  I explained that I was trying to communicate with Kinky Boy and she said “he gave you an answer and you just didn’t want to hear it.. he was telling you he didn’t want to have a date with you Friday, Ok?”  She said she didn’t know why everyone “couldn’t go home with their spouses anyway”.  I’m the only one married there and it’s a pretty odd thing for a poly person to say anyway.  Guess who isn’t okay with the poly stuff?  I shut up and watched her face change.  I saw her other face and man is she hurt and mad.  I have a real problem on my hands and so does Kinky Boy.  There is no way I could be the one to warn him though.  She’d use it to torpedo me more.  I’m backing way the fuck off and steering clear of that mess.


  1. Sorry, that sucks. Competition between women can be ugly and underhanded and I think being in a poly relationship can amplify that. Thats one of the reasons I have a hard time with the lovey-dovey concept of compersion.

    Anyhow, my current main squeeze had been seeing another woman before he met me. She is married and her husband lets her come spend a weekend with him once a month. If I’d have realized that she was all in love with him I would have been a little more careful with my feelings. I feel like she is being manipulative sometimes and trying to push me away from him and it is frustrating because I’m not that good at remaining cool.

    Like the first weekend after we were together she came down here and I didn’t hear from him for a full two days. It was still early in our relationship and I was really confused and felt abandoned and like maybe he was done with me. Nope. Turns out she was soooo upset about some guy standing her up for a first date that she cried and demanded his attention the whole weekend so he couldn’t get away to text me. Or so that’s what he said. Seriously? Who would care that much about a first date with someone they don’t even know. He also said she gets upset whenever he is with me, so yeah, I’m pretty sure that was a tactic to keep him from me.

    The second weekend she came down was the week of my birthday. She suddenly decides she wants a surprise visit and can only come down then so he had to skip spending a day with me that we had planned and I didn’t get to see him on my birthday. He brought me a cake and some wine and took me out with my kids for ice cream later, which was nice, but not quite the same as sex and a date like we had originally planned. I pretty much lost it and got really upset with him for changing our plans. It almost ended our relationship.

    Third weekend she came down I was making it through until the day she was supposed to leave. That evening he had agreed to come to my house for dinner and I had bought steaks. She decided she wasn’t leaving yet and wanted to stay another day so she could go visit her sister in another town and come back at night to him. I really get the feeling she does this shit on purpose.

    Some guy online suggested to me that I end the competition by engaging her in a threesome. Fuck that! I have no desire to touch her other than maybe to pound her head into the sidewalk! Ugh!! Yeah, I’m not the most enlightened, non jealous, “poly” person. I find it difficult sometimes.


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