The advice I am overwhelmingly getting when I talk to people about any of this situation is that I might want to consider dropping it like the hand grenade (screw hot potato) that it is. I see and understand the logic of this. Kinky Boy has some serious mess and drama attached to him, is marginally available at best, is a personal mess, and is pretty much living with and dating a real ticking mess.
I hear this. I do. I agree with it. I see the logic. It makes perfect sense. The relationship has been rocky since its inception, is a near constant source of drama, and is very un-fulfilling in certain ways. So, why am I still here?
I have reasons and lots of them, and yes they include more than sex. But it’s unraveling and it leaves me how breakups always do- poly or no. I feel a little hallow and sad. I feel hurt and a little angry. I’m wondering if it’s the right thing to do and what I am giving up and what I will lose, and how that compares to the difficulties of keeping the situation as it is and if I can just suck up more things to hold it together and why I’d want to. I think I have to sit in this just a little bit longer. Yes, yes.. it’s at least in good part the sex. When I’m sure I’ll just let go of it. Just like that.
I’ve done this a million times actually. I’m good at that part, the goodbye. I do not do well in the part right now though.. the vacillating and wondering part. I am not a fan of vulnerable weak and sad. If I’m honest.. really honest.. it’s that I like feeling loved and I see what is there and what isn’t and may never be.