I'm not stupid but maybe overly optimistic

The advice I am overwhelmingly getting when I talk to people about any of this situation is that I might want to consider dropping it like the hand grenade (screw hot potato) that it is.  I see and understand the logic of this.  Kinky Boy has some serious mess and drama attached to him, is marginally available at best, is a personal mess, and is pretty much living with and dating a real ticking mess.

I hear this.  I do.  I agree with it.  I see the logic.  It makes perfect sense.  The relationship has been rocky since its inception, is a near constant source of drama, and is very un-fulfilling in certain ways.  So, why am I still here?

I have reasons and lots of them, and yes they include more than sex.  But it’s unraveling and it leaves me how breakups always do- poly or no.  I feel a little hallow and sad.  I feel hurt and a little angry.  I’m wondering if it’s the right thing to do and what I am giving up and what I will lose, and how that compares to the difficulties of keeping the situation as it is and if I can just suck up more things to hold it together and why I’d want to.  I think I have to sit in this just a little bit longer.  Yes, yes.. it’s at least in good part the sex.  When I’m sure I’ll just let go of it.  Just like that.

I’ve done this a million times actually.  I’m good at that part, the goodbye.  I do not do well in the part right now though.. the vacillating and wondering part.  I am not a fan of vulnerable weak and sad.  If I’m honest.. really honest.. it’s that I like feeling loved and I see what is there and what isn’t and may never be.

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