I want love

It’s late and I should be off to bed, but I had to write down this blog before sleep.  It’s my first night alone while my husband is on an overnight.  I worried a little that this would be hard, but I find that I am mushy and soft and full of joy tonight.night

I’ll admit that part of it is the tremendous time I had with Great Date, and the hope and possibility and just amazing lingering effects of a perfect evening.  I can not stress enough how happy and giddy I’ve been today, lingering from last evening.  I’ll admit it’s also because I had a great date with Traveller tonight too.  We started as just friends, as I looked to have more poly friends and it was quickly obvious that there was wonderous chemistry there.  He travels for work and is rarely here, and he squeaked in under the wire as I closed up my life to dating new people.  He is so rarely available and so very compatable that I had to explore that connection.  We had a brief but lovely date filled with good conversation and very kismet kisses.  When I sat in his lap in his car, kissing.. mmmm..

I’ll further admit it is because I am excited about where I am with Roller Girl too, and that she MADE ME A PLAYLIST.  Ahhhhh.

I am happy because my husband is happy tonight.  I know that he is being held and cherished and kissed.  He is being appreciated for the amazing man he is by a woman worthy of his admiration.  I am giddy that he is giddy and I feel joy in knowing that tonight he is blissful in the exciting newness of connection.

Finally, I’m happy because I just had a beautiful conversation with Kinky Boy just now.  He is teaching a class and nervous about it and he called to ask my input and advice.  I felt honored to have him choose me.  It’s increasingly the case that he is relying on and trusting me to help him with such things.  That alone makes my heart sing.  He respects my mind.  He wants to know what I think about his research and his work.  Kinky Boy at one point in the conversation made a sort of off-hand remark about how the other men in my life are these amazing guys that are everything he wants to be.  He mentioned the fact that they have successful careers and probably do very well money-wise.  Honestly I have no idea or care what they make.  He’s mentioned the money thing and the fact that he is a dirt poor grad student more than a few times now.  I have repeatedly reassured him that I don’t care.

I could not possibly give a shit less about money.  It’s just how I’ve always been.   I have been crushingly hungry-poor.  I have gone without heat and without power and without meat as I scraped my way up and out.   I have worn a winter coat in my apartment when I lived in Cleveland.  My husband is very financially successful now, but he was dirt poor when I met, dated and married him.  He literally sold blood plasma to take me to McDonalds once.  I paid for absolutely everything almost the entire first year we dated.  He had nothing.  I bought him coffee he was so poor.  He had less than nothing in fact because he had crushing debt.  When I divorced my first husband I gave him the house and the money.  I took my pictures, my car (and it’s bill), my clothes an air mattress and a skillet.  I also took most of our marital debt.  I don’t give a shit about money.  I have never given a shit about money.  I wanted out and he wanted the stuff- He signed the papers and I was free.

Kinky Boy said that he thought women wanted money and hearts and flowers.  I explained to him that there were women who want money and presents.  There are women who want flowers and hearts.  There are women who want all kinds of things and that what I wanted was what he was giving me now.  I want words and actions that tell me you love me.

I want you to contact me.  I want you to tell me often that you love me and show me that you love me by making me a priority and sharing things in your life with me.  I want to know how you feel about things and why you like the weird stuff you like.  I want to be let into your weird little world and I want you to trust me.  I want to be held and cherished and I want you to like my paintings and tell me I’m pretty and funny and that I matter to you.  I want you to know that I am special and why I am special.  I want you to respect me and to honor my intelligence.  I want you to want to be with me.  Some women are cheap enough for poetry and flowers, diamonds and romantic trips.  I am much more difficult.  I want your time and attention.  I wanted what he was giving me just now.  I want him to call me when he is floundering and know that I will help.  I want him to tell me that he loves me.  I want him to hold me and kiss me and to feel his love for me.  I want to support and be supported.  I want you to let me love you and let me show you my love.  I want words and I want actions and I want time.  I want to be LOVED, and that isn’t anything you can buy or easily acquire.  I am not cheap or easy.  I want LOVE.

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