I was talking this morning with a guy I am REALLY trying to be friends with and somehow we stumbled on the topic of cuddling with friends. He has a number of girls he is “just friends” with, and says that they kiss and cuddle and go on dates but do not have sex and many of them do not plan to have sex. He is trying to have a similar situation with me, and I’m finding it… puzzling.
I don’t really understand having a number of people in my life that I care about, am friends with, and like enough to cuddle and kiss but do not have sex with. It’s not that I don’t understand physical intimacy or have the ability to like people and not have sex with them or something. I just don’t understand liking and feeling comfortable enough and attached enough to cuddle someone but not to have sex with them. I can see special circumstances happening here and there so that you had maybe one person or two max who you had that sort of relationship with.. maybe you weren’t sexually compatible but you really cared about each other so you convert to this kind of connection.. but going out and cultivating that with people? I don’t know.
They said that to them snuggling and kissing and cuddling and talking are an easier kind of intimacy because they require a much greater intimacy to have sex. I get that but don’t relate. I am completely the opposite.
It’s MUCH easier for me to have sex with someone that to snuggle them and hold them. Sex CAN be extremely intimate, but it really isn’t always so. I spent years have casual sexual friendships but I learned quickly to have a “no snuggling” or “no spending the night” rule. People get mushy if you hold them after they cum. I had an entire system worked out to avoid this. (Why yes, it was a fear of being vulnerable). Sex can be so easily and thoughtlessly given or it can mean absolutely everything. I was maybe 30 the first time I really made love. I had loved people I’d had sex with, sure.. but it was the first time I had stayed totally connected and totally there and present in the moment, had wanted so badly to be close to him that I wanted to crawl inside his body and him inside mine..it had been sex to express and to feel this terrible aching closeness.. it was like there wasn’t any skin between us. I had no idea.
Now cuddling.. that’s different. I’ve had a male best friend since we were 15. We’ve never dated though we had our close calls. We snuggled often when we were both in high school though. In fact, he and I snuggled up through our 20’s and until we both married other people and then once or twice after that. I LOVE him and he loves me. We are still close and talk all the time. I trusted him and loved him and relied on him and him on me. There was nothing casual about our cuddling. Others I have cuddled have pretty much always been sexual partners.
I said it like this.. it’s easy to get into my pants, harder to get into my arms and wayyyy harder to get inside my heart.
I’m just built that way.