Pants and Palms and Heart

I was talking this morning with a guy I am REALLY trying to be friends with and somehow we stumbled on the topic of cuddling with friends.  He has a number of girls he is “just friends” with, and says that they kiss and cuddle and go on dates but do not have sex and many of them do not plan to have sex.  He is trying to have a similar situation with me, and I’m finding it… puzzling.

I don’t really understand having a number of people in my life that I care about, am friends with, and like enough to cuddle and kiss but do not have sex with.  It’s not that I don’t understand physical intimacy or have the ability to like people and not have sex with them or something.  I just don’t understand liking and feeling comfortable enough and attached enough to cuddle someone but not to have sex with them.  I can see special circumstances happening here and there so that you had maybe one person or two max who you had that sort of relationship with.. maybe you weren’t sexually compatible but you really cared about each other so you convert to this kind of connection.. but going out and cultivating that with people?  I don’t know.

They said that to them snuggling and kissing and cuddling and talking are an easier kind of intimacy because they require a much greater intimacy to have sex.  I get that but don’t relate.  I am completely the opposite.

pepe le pewIt’s MUCH easier for me to have sex with someone that to snuggle them and hold them.  Sex CAN be extremely intimate, but it really isn’t always so.  I spent years have casual sexual friendships but I learned quickly to have a “no snuggling” or “no spending the night” rule.  People get mushy if you hold them after they cum.  I had an entire system worked out to avoid this.  (Why yes, it was a fear of being vulnerable).  Sex can be so easily and thoughtlessly given or it can mean absolutely everything.  I was maybe 30 the first time I really made love.  I had loved people I’d had sex with, sure.. but it was the first time I had stayed totally connected and totally there and present in the moment, had wanted so badly to be close to him that I wanted to crawl inside his body and him inside had been sex to express and to feel this terrible aching closeness.. it was like there wasn’t any skin between us.  I had no idea.

Now cuddling.. that’s different.  I’ve had a male best friend since we were 15.  We’ve never dated though we had our close calls.  We snuggled often when we were both in high school though.  In fact, he and I snuggled up through our 20’s and until we both married other people and then once or twice after that.  I LOVE him and he loves me.  We are still close and talk all the time.  I trusted him and loved him and relied on him and him on me.  There was nothing casual about our cuddling.  Others I have cuddled have pretty much always been sexual partners.

I said it like this.. it’s easy to get into my pants, harder to get into my arms and wayyyy harder to get inside my heart.

I’m just built that way.


  1. Honestly, I’m the same way, and the truth is that I sort of mistrust the “just cuddling” brigade, since with guys, that’s one of the OLDEST tricks in the book to try to get laid — say it’s just snuggling, and then once she’s all warmed up… off comes the bra! I’m not saying that’s what this guy is doing, he may have NOTHING but honorable intentions. But it’s pretty damned common…

    I can have sex with someone I don’t feel much for, but I don’t really like it. If I can’t laugh and talk and tease someone before, during, and after… not so much interested. Cuddling before and during and after sex is MUCH more intimate than the act itself. And of course, falling in love… HOO boy, falling in love…

    Maybe we are wired differently, but if so, I’m not sure we’re all THAT rare…


  2. Being the one you refer to, I see your point and at a certain level envy the sexual freedom. We’re both attempting to mitigate the suffering that often comes from relationships though the way I do it is a result of rigid fundamentalist beliefs concerning sex that I grew up with. Sex became more intimate as it was harped on to exist only in a particular form, than anything else. I’ve worked at this in me but still find cuddling “easier.” Touch is just that amazing to me.


      • Yes, I have lots of non sexual connections, but no desire to cuddle those folks at all. Pretty much the ONLY people I want to cuddle non sexually are my kids!! I love to cuddle someone who I am into and having sex with, I can be very affectionate, but that is not just for anyone.

        I cringe when someone who is rejecting me sexually wants to “cuddle”, its very patronizing. Granted, I suffered through a long, almost sexless, marriage to a man with a fundamentalist background who had some real hang ups about sex and who LIKED to cuddle and wanted all the affectionate stuff minus the sex. I found it very hurtful. Never again!!

        I realize my attitude about this is more typically masculine but I have a high sex drive and limited amount of playtime and I resent anyone who wastes my time with cuddling and no sexual activity.


  3. Very cool comments. I found I related to a lot of it. I can see a number of SITUATIONS where I would cuddle but not have sex, but I still say I probably would not regularly cuddle someone I would not have sex with. If I like you well enough to regularly cuddle you I would probably bone you. Just sayin’.
    There just aren’t a lot of people I would cuddle that I wouldn’t have sex with. There are people I would do both with, and people that I’d have sex with but not cuddle in the right situation, but not a lot of people I would cuddle but not have sex with.


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