what if they're better than me?

Talking again to my poly friend this morning an interesting topic arose.  What if your lover is going out with/sleeping with/involved with or seeing someone “better”?

My friend expressed concern that their lover’s potential lover is a really experienced Dom that is very in control of their power.  My friend is a more novice Dom, experimenting with his power and discovering his and his partner’s kinks.  It’s a little intimidating or well.. it made him nervous.

I get this. Roller Girl was sleeping with Kinky Boy when Kinky Boy and I first began seeing each other and she was also sleeping with Hubby.  Little details emerged from Hubby, and Kinky Boy just LOVES to share.. so I learned a lot about Roller Girl before I slept with her.  (Roller Girl and I were holding off to let her and Hubby bond before she and I began seeing each other)

Turns out Roller Girl is sex on a stick.   The girl is lava.  She can dress up super sexy like a pin-up, has no gag reflex, is wicked flexible, loves anal, pretty much always wants to go, and is a multi-orgasmic squirter with a golden vagina and an even more devilish mind behind her dirty mouth.  Craptastic.  Luckily I learned most of this slowly and some only after sleeping with her or I would have been FREAKED.  I still freaked.  She’s a powerhouse!  How can I compete with that?!?!?

Ahhh.. here’s the deal.  I don’t.  I do not compete with Roller Girl.  We are not in competition.  She and I became friends also and I found comfort is compersion.  I actually love my husband.  I love him so much I want everything good for him. I want him happy and safe and loved and warm and fed and dry and protected and excited and thrilled and sated and… well.. everything.  I want him to have amazing sex with people that care about him.  I want him to be cherished and loved for the absolutely amazing person he is.  I want people to see and acknowledge the wonder of him and I want him to have boundless joy.  I found happiness in this.  I love that Roller Girl can give him the anal sex I can’t.  I love that she can thrill and delight him and care for him and hold him and touch him and kiss him and crave him in the way he likes.  I want this for him and I am excited that by being open I can give this to him.  This is compersion.

But.. I still had this little thing that said.. well yeah.. I want that for him, but what about me?  If he gets all that from Roller Girl, why will he still need me?  (insert a tiny tear here)

Well… he does get some of this from me.  My lovers were having sex with Roller Girl, but they were still wanting and having sex with me.  They don’t have to choose in Poly.  They can have Roller Girl and Seattle Poly Chick!  And hey.. I got gifts too.  Roller Girl and I are pretty awesome both in and out of bed, and while there is much we share there is also much about us that is unique.  I am the only me they are getting.  If they did exactly the same things with her that they do with me, it’s still different.  She and I bring different things to their lives and they are both valuable and appreciated.

I’m smart and funny and honorable.  I am honest and deeply compassionate.  I feel deeply but I’m not overly emotional or a drama queen.  I am passionate and a very responsive and appreciative lover.  I am artistic and organized.  I am very fun to be with and I love to have reasoned debates.  I’m great at head and loooove doing it.  I have been told I too have a golden vagina 🙂 (tee hee) and I can be a bit of a pain slut at times.  I’m a submissive, but not an easy vapid sub, and I’m very very very creative.  Most importantly though.. I am the only me in my lovers lives.  Only I can give them exactly what I give them.  The beauty of poly is that I don’t have to choose between the amazing gifts and talents and pleasures my lovers bring my life.  They all teach me unique things and challenge me in unique ways.  Great Date is never never never less than Roller Girl and Kinky Boy is never less than Great Date because I don’t compare them that way, but even if I did it wouldn’t work out that way.  Great Date is a unique person and I have never and never will again have another soul like him.. ever.  He’s special.

Is someone better than me?  Uh.. yeah.  A  lot of people are better than me at a lot of things, but none of them are better at being me.  If my lovers find joy in their lovers or get something I can’t give them.. Good!  How lucky they are to be poly and to have lovers like me that want that for them.


  1. That’s great that you can recognize your own worth to the people you are sleeping with. I really struggle with stuff like that. Its very, very hard for me not to compare myself and wonder what they specifically see in me. Its nice when a guy verbalizes something unique he finds in me but its rare that they actually tell you what they like about you versus someone else.


  2. Love this post – thank you for sharing. One of the things I like most about poly is the idea that, at somepoint, you kind of have to embrace that fact that the people who are with you are there for *you* they could be off with someone you know for a fact has cornered the market on awesomesauce – but you factor in, time is made for you. Because, wait for it… you turn out to be a pretty cool cat, too.


  3. I absolutely love this post! You put it into words so much more eloquently than I can. Like you, I thought “If he is getting great sex and submission from someone else why would he need me?” Your post kind of gave me a lightbulb moment. I am unique and give him something no one else can and ever will. Thank you for sharing your journey. You have helped me in more ways than you know.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s