I am a huge mushy mushy goober of a gal. People who know me know this is true. People meeting me do not necessarily get this. I hate people knowing how mushy I am and I hide it. I’m learning not to, because I want something different, but it still kinda works out that way sometimes. Having said that.. it’s still the case that people do not always see the me I’m trying to present and they act accordingly. It’s hard to learn to act in a new way in order to get new things.
Traditionally, I was a rabidly casual girl. I loved sex and I did not love love. I had rules and a whole method worked out to keep lovers from being too mushy. The surest way to never get to f’ me again was to show me that you were starting to really care and want more. I was scared to be vulnerable. Scared to be hurt. Scared to put myself out there. If I risked nothing then you could hurt nothing, right? Actually kinda.. and kinda no. See, I presented myself as a totally casual sex machine and would share really only certain small bits of friendship and a whole lotta sex with others. I did not share anything else.
Then I’d have a problem now and then. I’d wonder why none of these people loved me, why they talked all the time about how amazing x was or how much y made them want to commit. I’d wonder why they never said how funny or smart or pretty or interesting I was. Why was I always just the “sex piece” of the puzzle. Obviously it was because I wasn’t going to fairs and movies and parties with these people. I was hooking up and never staying the night and never showering with and never cuddling after. Duh.
Well, I wanted more eventually. I wanted a partner and a friend. I wanted the icky love stuff. I learned to settle down and I found it. We got married and lived monogamously and mostly happily for 12 years. Then, we opened up. I had to figure this stuff out again. I had to figure out how to open up and be vulnerable to others, how to be sexual again with others and put that out there, but in a way that said I want sex but not the casual meaningless kind of my yesteryear. I’m still figuring this out..
There is always who we are, how we see ourselves, and how others see us, and it seems like ne’er the twain shall meet. Communication helps that, obviously, but in dating, where so much is what we present and what we feel others are presenting…how do you get your point across?