Goodbye and Hello

You know how sometimes you have all these plans and expectations and then they blow up in your face?  Yeah.. it was kind of that kind of weekend.  It was very good and very bad.

Thursday I didn’t get to see Great Date.  He was sick, and I was very disappointed, but understood.  Then I got the text.  He was pretty much telling me, via text, that he was unhappy and maybe didn’t want to be together anymore.  We’ve had some difficulty with texts stealing the meaning of things so I asked if we could talk on the phone.  Luckily he was agreeable.  We had a bunch of misunderstandings and misinformation and our feelings involved.  It took a while to work out and I was pretty sure we were broken up at two points.  At first I was trying to be cool and take it like a champ and understand.  Then.. well then I started thinking what that would mean and I cracked.

I have intimacy issues.  WHAT!???  I know.  I can feel your gasp.

I get scared about things like vulnerability and love and risk and getting all gooshy and mushy.  I wanted so badly at one point to tell him what I felt about him.. that I was already connected.  I wanted to gush on and on about his fine qualities and tell him how easy it would be to fall for him and his many charms.  I could see more, and could see even a boyfriend situation possibility and maybe even the big L.  I couldn’t tell him any such thing.  No, I mean I couldn’t.  My throat closed and I could not tell him that I cared about him and feared losing him.. feared not talking to him or kissing him or touching him or laying with him.  I could not make the words “I have feelings for you and I really care about you.. please don’t go” leave my throat.  It was pathetic.  I felt like I was being strangled.  Telling someone that you care about them is handing them a huge sharp knife and then walking around painted with a bulls-eye and blindfolded.  I’ve NEVER been a fan of this and my recent foray into it (see Kinky Boy) is really biting me in the ass.  Luckily he’s a smart lad and he knew what I wanted to say and that I couldn’t.  He said it for me so I could agree.  I know exactly where this issue with me comes from, but it doesn’t change it completely or make it disappear.  So, here I am with an ardent desire to connect with people, to love them and be loved and a literally choking fear of saying anything of the sort to the people.  Good times.

He pointed out that I do this thing where we get all cozy and intimate and then I push him away.  I wanted to argue but I knew it was true.  When I told Kinky Boy about this tidbit of conversation he laughed and finished the sentence “and then you push him away” adding his own last word.. “hard”.  Shit.  Working on that one now.

Anyway.. the long and short of it was that Great Date and I ended up having this totally amazing conversation for hours that not only resolved some of our stuff, but also has left me thinking for days.  It’s one of the things I love about this guy.  He’s totally intellectually stimulating.  Hmm.. that and a bunch of other stimulating things.  Anyway.. it was lovely and hard and totally worth it.  I spent nearly two days walking on sunshine about it.

The next night was the big three-way date with Kinky Boy and his girlfriend.  It was.. fine.  It was sexually fine.  The conversation and dinner were fine.   Afterwards was basically fine.  I was left however with this niggling unease.  I could not put it into words.  Part of it was that I felt like I’d slept with a couple.  Not I slept with my lover and a woman I’m interested in.  They were a couple and I slept with them.  The intensity and connection of sleeping with Kinky Boy was missing and the kink too.  It was.. friction.  It shouldn’t shock me, but it does.  I’m just not interested in that kind of sex anymore- the casual meaningless kind.  I’m not dating Kinky Boy’s girlfriend and without him in the room there is nothing between us.  I felt like I’d been used.. by me.  Going into it I was already feeling the wobble of Kinky Boy and I and our relationship faltering on it’s pottery wheel.  It had problems and was falling or flying off.  Having fairly meaningless vanilla sex with him and his girlfriend didn’t help.

Then.. he sent me a text the next day.  Kinky Boy let me know that he was going thru something and said he wouldn’t be able to see me for a while and that he needed space.  Seriously!?!?!  Um.. really?  He says he LOVES me and then says he can’t see me in a text.. a day after consoling me for another guy breaking up with me in a text (He and I didn’t talk so he didn’t know Great Date and I made up) and less than 24 hours after I fucked him and his girlfriend?  It’s a weird straw for me to finally break on but there you are.  In general his faults are not malice.  But to be honest.. it doesn’t really matter, does it?  If a person has a sack full of great qualities and loving actions and feelings but regularly can’t communicate with you, ignores you, lacks concern for you, pushes you aside, is selfish and inconsiderate and.. just isn’t capable of a relationship that is fulfilling to you.. how much is too much?  I should have done it a while ago but I just couldn’t let go.  Well, now I finally can.

Except here’s the rub… he’s devastated.  He’s crazy with grief because of his breakup with Roller Girl of months ago finally hitting him.  He’s unsure how to function he is so affected, and well.. I can’t do it.  I can’t break up with someone I honestly care about while they are in that state.  It’s cruel and I’m just not mean.  I care about him.  I don’t want to hurt him ever, but I also don’t want to date him anymore.  I guess I’m hoping he’ll rearrange and cope fast.  I’ll try to be here for him but not be sucked back into him.  It’s going to be an interesting trick.

Saturday night, I was nervous and I needn’t have been.  He brought candles and music.  How cool is that.. to have thought of that?  We talked and talked and talked.  We kissed and kissed, cuddled and cuddled, and well.. I wouldn’t want to be indelicate.  I was dizzy with his sensuality.  We had hours of luscious foreplay and the most languid and passionate oral sex I may have ever had.  He’s so passionate!

He got coffee, and it was really late, because he wanted to stay up with me and stay up we did.  He was even better than I thought he would be sexually, conversationally, and just in general.  I loved talking to him and learning about him.  It was a deepening of what we’ve been dancing around for some time now.  I’m honestly glad things with Kinky Boy are coming to a head.  I need the time free to spend with people who are amazing and that bring the things to my life.  They are way more than enough, and I’ll miss Kinky Boy, but I won’t miss his draw of my time and attention.  I said I was going to feed the worthwhile things in my life.  I have to find a way to show them individually how important and special they are to me and to build the fledgling stalks of wonderful things between us.  I sound less sad than I am and less ecstatic too.  Sometimes I’m amazed at the ability we humans have to feel many things at once.  Right now I’m grateful for the excitement and feelings of connection that are mitigating the loss.  I’m open to growing and learning and changing.  I’m sad that that involves saying goodbye sometimes and really really happy that sometimes it doesn’t.

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