I did it. I pulled the plug on Kinky Boy. Okay.. well.. kinda.
He came in to work today (did you know he worked with me? Yeah he does and he sits 3 feet from me, facing me) and he seemed in a better place so I decided it was time. We went to lunch and I told him that I wanted to break up and transition to friends. He’s really into that transition stuff, and it’s true that I’d like to be friends with him. I’d prepared for his pull on me and made a list of things that made the relationship not work and reasons why. I reread them this morning and prepared. Then, of course, looking into his big blue eyes, as he gazed lovingly at me over lunch I had trouble remembering them. I weakened. I said I wanted to break up but then kinda trailed off.. ineffectually explaining why.
We went back to work and I began kicking myself. Weak Weak Weak!
Dammit. I wanted to break up with him and I think I actually hadn’t. Crap. I talked to a friend and marshalled my reserves. Kinky Boy began IM’ing me. He asked, “Do you still want to break up with me?”. I responded, “Yes” and I began to explain why a little more effectively. Some of the things I mentioned were in fact misunderstandings or wrong, but really.. overall.. it didn’t make much difference. The big one remained. This is not a healthy relationship for me to be in.
He came to me again.. with the face that I love.. and he asked “if you can tell that I love you, and you love me (both of which are totally true) can I have one more chance? If you’re not so sure, can you give me a chance?”. I thought about that a while. Yes I could. I could see my husband hating this. I could see my support losing faith in me. I knew I would not be able to explain this and that I would lose respect. I could see myself sighing deeply. I don’t believe another chance will actually make any difference but I could not summon a reason to deny him one. We made a date thought I doubt we will last long enough to make it and I find myself both hoping we do and that we don’t. I love my dates with him. I love the intensity with which he loves me when he loves me. I look forward all week to those dates and feel every moment so intensely. I wish fervently that all of this good and honest stuff didn’t come with all of this bad stuff, but it does. It won’t last and no matter when I do it, now or later, it will suck, but this relationship must end. I just couldn’t say no to one last chance. I know what this sounds like, but dammit I will live with the consequences and I know I would not have been able to be at rest otherwise.