Take a Bullet. Kinky Boy is no More

That was like taking a bullet.

I had the aborted attempt at breaking with Kinky Boy earlier this week and had been unable to do it.  He asked for another shot and I felt I had to give it to him.  I could not look into his big deep blue eyes and say no.  So, here I am a few days later and it was just time.  He’s been emotional this week with him finally realizing that he really did lose Roller Girl.  I’ve been supportive, talking to him a lot and texting back and forth 400 times a day.  He’s really been broken up about it and I liked being there for him.

But.. the blinders were off.  Reality was still there.  In fact, some of what he said and some of what I was supporting him with just.. wasn’t lovely.  He’s paranoid and talking about playing angles and just… not being willing to take a long view or do the work.  And.. I caught him in a lie.  A big lie.

I made an offhand joke with his girlfriend about how we’ve all slept together (because up until about 2 months ago he was sleeping with Roller Girl, Girlfriend and I).  It wasn’t a biggie.  He was being very open about it and everyone knew.. or so I thought.  Turns out the girlfriend was of the impression that he hadn’t slept with Roller Girl since a few months BEFORE she and Kinky Boy got together.  She insisted “he told me they hadn’t for months”.  Uh.. whaaa?  Roller Girl moved out of his room and nightly sleeping with him less than a week before the Girlfriend moved her stuff in.  Were some of us unaware of this?  I confronted him about it during the breakup earlier this week and he convinced me that I was wrong about the timeline and that everyone was in the know.

Nope.  It just didn’t sit right with me.  I remembered him saying that “last night (roller girl) was really in a mood and man am I tired!” and such things.  I remembered she and I joking about other times.  I KNEW he was still with roller girl when he began dating me and the girlfriend.  I just knew it.  So I asked her.. when did you two stop sleeping together?  Yep.  I had it right.  It was pretty recent.  This kind of stirred something up in me.. the other lies and little half truths.  What was he playing at?  Wait a minute.. this guy doesn’t care about our happiness and well being. This guy is playing angles and manipulating me.  I am giving a guy a chance who fluid bonded with his untested girlfriend and said nothing to me, and let me keep having sex with him without saying a word.  What am I doing here!?!?  Why am I being sucked back in?  He does not or can not love me as I love him and this relationship isn’t healthy for me.  I have to go!

So.. I made my decision again.  And today he talked about weekend plans with me and I just couldn’t do it.  I told him that I loved him but the relationship wasn’t what I wanted and wasn’t healthy for me, so I needed to end it.  I offered and meant it that I want to be friends.  I don’t hate him.  It’d be so much easier if I did.  We had a nice talk actually and it was over.  He talked about how he’d miss Aardvark.. the thing we say to each other at work because we can’t kiss or whatever.  We hide aardvark stuff in each other’s stuff, and when he said it.. it killed me.  I am going to miss aardvark too.

I’m going to miss his kisses and cuddles and touches.  I’m going to miss his naughty creative kinky loving.  I’m going to miss touching him and having him make me explode with happiness when he told me “good girl”.  I’ll miss making him smile and our dates and the intensity of things with him.  I wont miss the withholding and the c’mere go away.  I won’t miss the distraction and the being late.. like hours.. for dates. I won’t miss the lies and manipulations and I will not miss the total inability to manage time or have simple conversations sometimes.  It’s good that it’s over.  It hurts like a bitch, but it’s a bullet I guess I just had to take.  I’ve already said.. it was worth it.  Look at all I learned.  Even hubby said.. “Damn we learned a lot from that guy.  He really kinda changed our lives”.

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