Everyone Says I Love You

ForensicGuy said “Well you do seem to appreciate people falling for you” when I told him that Great Date told me he loved me.  Great Date texted it to me and told me I didn’t have to say it back.  I was glad, because even in a text I felt my throat closing with my urge to tell him what I felt.  I just said I was falling for him.  It was all my fingers could choke out.

I asked ForensicGuy what he meant by his comment.  It seemed kinda snarky.  He said “Eh.  Everyone you date so far has said it.  And fairly quickly.  Seems a type of person.  🙂 Nothing wrong”.  I asked if he was implying I dated sad sacks or something.  He said no, “merely that you’re finding people who fall fairly quickly.  Not many do hon.”

It sort of stuck in my craw.  ForensicGuy wanted to date me but it wasn’t in the cards.  But what about what he said?  Why did he say it?

I thought his comment about appreciating when people fall for you was odd.  Who doesn’t like people that they like falling for them?  Um.. isn’t that kind of the point of dating?  It’s wonderful to be appreciated and to appreciate.  Okay.. that one I can let go of.  I don’t get it, but there’s no real meat in it, so whatever.

His comment about finding people who fall for me was odd.  He asked further if I was looking for it.  I suppose yes, that I am looking for or was looking for people I could have real connections with.  I wanted more than just sex.  Even afraid, I want love.  I do want connection and sex, friendship and love.  Yes.  Is that a bad thing?  I’ve been dating Roller Girl for 2 months and Great Date for about 4 months.  I’ve been dating Traveler officially for about… a month.  Traveler and I are NOWHERE near any of the mushy stuff, though it’s lovely.  I don’t know what we are and what we will ever be.  How could I so early in?  Roller Girl and I have been dancing around this I love you stuff for some time now.  Partially this is because we waited so long to date.  Great Date told me he loved me for the first time 2 days ago and I chatted that I loved him for the first time in the last 24 hours.  I think I said “Fuck the panic, I love you”.  I think it’s hilarious we’ve only said it in texts and chat.

I find it more than interesting that I told FIVE people in my entire life before this that I loved them and that I’ve told 3 people that I love them in the last 4 months.  Very interesting indeed.  What is it?  Am I now a sad sack, attracting and being attracted to other desperate individuals and flinging around I love you’s like discard-able rubber bands?  Well.. no.  I did some real thinking about this.  Why the sudden mush monster, Seattlepolychick?

I guess in some ways it’s because I’m looking for it.  It’s because I’m open to it and it’s because I’m more sure of what I want these days.  With Kinky Boy I knew (read old blogs.. I really did) that things weren’t right and wouldn’t last.  This is why I sought out and began dating Great Date and then Roller Girl.  I hoped to find someone who wanted more of what I wanted and was capable of a whole relationship because I knew from its inception that Kinky Boy’s and my relationship was born with a death nell.  I talked to dozens of people and went on oddles of dates and found many of the qualities I seek in Great Date.  He was named this because of our wonderful first date.  The mistake I made with Kinky Boy was that I knew what he was and wanted him so much sexually that I ignored it.  There was and is so much good wrapped up in all that not-so-good.  I cared for him despite my better judgement and the known risk to myself.  It hurt like hell to let go of, but it was worth it.

I have come to this love much slower with Great Date.  I always found him wonderful, but over the last months I’ve cared more and more deeply for him the more I got to know him.  I’m not jumping in whilly-nilly.  This is a guy with a good soul, a ton in common, a wicked sharp mind, lots of common interests, a stunning conversational ability, an ocean of affection.  I’m not running away to join a circus with him, but I am tentatively trying to imagine what potential futures might exist with him in them.  Hubby is talking about them too.  There is no hurry and no plans, but some lovely potential.

Roller Girl too.  She and I have been intensely talking for months before we dated and we are taking our first tentative steps.  Yes, she’s wicked sexy with an overwhelming just dripping sex appeal.. she just oozes and exudes sex appeal.  She is a total bombshell.  I can’t stress this strongly enough.  God I wish I could show you her pic of her lucious attributes or let you read her filthy texts.  It’s her attitude that slays me.  Maybe I’ll get her to let me share a little pic.. ahem… anyway.. yeah.. sex appeal.  But the funny part is.. that ISN’T the best thing about her.  I love her support and thoughtfulness, her sweetness and her wicked humor.  I love her love of my hubby.  I love the way she can both soothe me and call me on my stuff without too much stinging.  I love that she constantly surprises me.

I don’t know what the future holds more than anyone.  I know that most relationships don’t last forever, poly or not.  Think about it.  How many of you are married to and are still blissfully with the very first person you ever loved?  Yeah.. what I do know is that I am willing to open my life to these possibilities and to these people I have carefully chosen to invest in.  It very well may blow up right in my face.  I may be wrong about them or they about me.  I may regret this and feel foolish, much like I have with Kinky Boy.  I was stupid in some ways to invest in him when it was clearly such a bad investment and even I knew that.  To be honest though, I don’t regret it.  I’m still figuring out everything I learned from Kinky Boy and it’s even more legion than I knew.

I think I’ve probably broken up with 20 people in my life because they said I love you.  I ran and hid from and avoided love like it was the bubonic plague.  I had rules to keep my relationships casual and spent a lot of time avoiding being vulnerable or being hurt.  I don’t want to run around like a big dumb dog now, leading with my chin and giving away my heart to absolutely everyone, but I also am no longer interested in living in the closed life I had.  I like this.  I like my open life and its challenges and rewards.  I like love.  I like investing and I’m learning to do it smarter.  I’ve learned a little something about love after 12 years of loving my Hubby.  I am more mature and stronger.  If it hurts, I can take it.  Fuck the old kind of tough girl.  I’m this kind of tough girl now.  When I find someone worthy I’m going to invest and open up and try to let them in as intelligently as I can.  I will be cautious but I will not run or hide or evade if I can help it.  Yes I do appreciate people falling for me and yes I guess I was looking for it.

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