He left

If you date me, maybe skip this one, okay?

I just had my long awaited overnight, scratch that.. date, with Traveler.  He let me know early in the date that he had come not to spend the night as planned, but to have a date and take the last ferry home.  I was disappointed.  I love the overnight.  We had planned the overnight.  I love everything about the overnight.  I love the snuggling and the sleeping and the shower.   I love breakfast and coffee and morning sex.  God I love morning sex.  I love waking up and realizing that sometime in the night I have drifted away and snuggling up and hearing that warm contented sigh.  Dammit, I hate the walk of shame.  I hate my cooling empty bed and I don’t want to go back to it.

I often get a droop after a date.  It’s getting to be so I fucking dread it.  It’s getting to be so I expect it and feel it coming.

Thursday I had it bad.  Great Date came over for our overnight.  He was tired from a long week, a lot of stress and his other dates Tuesday and Wednesday.  It was lovely anyway.  I planned to just let him have a lot of rest, to hold him and just enjoy him.  Yeah.. the chemistry is still a little too strong for that.  We ate and talked and ended up having some pretty delicious sex anyway, and I just couldn’t let him sleep… I kept him up a little, talking and touching and cuddling.  I wasn’t too bad.  I let him sleep by midnight, but I think his bedtime is more like 10.  Anyway, after the lovely night and sweet morning I had to let him go.  We’d had a talk the previous evening about what it meant to say “I love you”, and it’d been honest but not very reassuring.  I think he must have felt the same way.

The next morning he was kind of down.  He has some difficulty with depression, and I think he had the post-date droop too.  I think it’s endorphins and dopamine and epinephrin leaving your system.  There is this low after a date, especially a great date or a date with someone you are all groovy on.  Anyway… yeah… he was down and there was much serious discussion.  Again we visited this idea of what it is to tell someone you love them.

To him it means that I love you right now.  That’s what it means to everyone when you think about it.  We can promise forever and ever and mean it utterly, but the sad fact is that most of us are not with every person we’ve ever loved.  Love professed sometimes fades.  Sometimes we break up when we learn more about the person, or the spark dies and there is little left and sometimes we were wrong about them or they about us or maybe we’ve drifted apart.  It’s just life, but it’s a hard thing to think about and say in the groovy blush of new love.  It left me nostalgic and melancholy to think all of this about love.  I realized I don’t really know what it means to a poly relationship that this groovy in love thing won’t last forever, and then I thought “then what?”.

In a mono relationship when the groovy flush is over you either find another basis for your relationship or break up.  The heat of roaring passion in best circumstances becomes the trust and love and passion of shared intimacy, committment, compatability and common purpose.  You get married or move in and create a life together and if you’re lucky, your relationship sustains this life and this life sustains your relationship.  So, some poly people move in together and create lives with these webs of relationships, and some marry and some form tribes or clans or whatever they call themselves.  I’d like cohabitation or living near thing someday maybe.  I don’t think I’d ever call myself a tribe or clan, but maybe a family.  I like to imagine a time when I could walk down the hall and see the people I love or grab a quick snuggle as I come up behind them in the kitchen.  Anyway.. I’ve been thinking a lot about what all of this, commitment and love, passion and fade, sustainable affection and fleeting infatuation.

But back to now- tonight I just wish he stayed the night.

Traveler and I ate and laughed and had wonderful sex.  We cuddled and talked, played a game and enjoyed a great evening.  We felt asleep snuggled up and sadly woke in time for the ferry.  But him leaving, fleeing to make the 1:25 ferry, has left me here with my cooling bed.  I’m eating dark orange chocolate and blogging at 2 am.  Yes, I do feel a little pathetic.  I have got to stop the post date droop!

1 Comment

  1. Well, there’s the honest answer and then there’s the “nice” answer. I don’t really know what the “nice” answer is 🙂

    The honest answer is that it’s basically withdrawals. It’s the oxytocin and dopamine and everything else leaving your bloodstream and reality crashing back in. It’s one of the perils of NRE; just like getting high, it feels *really, really good* when it’s happening; you love, you are loved, all is right with the world, all will always be right with the world.

    But when it’s over, when the (natural, body-made) drugs stop being pumped into your bloodstream, when reality comes back in, the world seems like a cold, lonely place. Your lover isn’t there anymore. Your bed is cold and empty. You don’t feel that love and connection any more. You are unloved, alone, unwanted.

    Of course, these feelings are a lie — you are no less loved than you were before your lover left. You are no more alone than you were before they arrived and you were all twitterpated about them arriving. You are still lovable and loved and connected. It’s just that you don’t FEEL that way.

    What’s the solution? I call it the “slow burn.” You can’t, and you shouldn’t try to, suppress the NRE feelings. They’re wonderful and they make us feel alive. But you have to be very, very mindful of just how powerful those emotions are. It’s an extremely potent set of emotions — NRE makes us feel validated as a person, in love and loved, complete, in “our place” in the universe. Just like someone like me who, under the wrong circumstances, can get into a lot of trouble with drugs or alcohol, you have to be mindful and moderate of your consumption and be aware that there is always a price to pay for the good times. If you have trouble enjoying it in moderation, it might be best to avoid NRE, but that is a very sad thing since NRE is one of the most wonderful, amazing feelings around.

    Perhaps the best thing to do is just to understand that the “comedown” is normal and inevitable; that the higher the high, the lower the low, and either try to keep the highs a little lower, or be prepared for the inevitable crash, and be gentle and loving with yourself when it comes (and remember that it won’t last forever).

    *hugs*

    Like

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