Hmm.. this is interesting. I am now being followed by a number of clearly very religious bloggers. I don’t know if they are using my blog as some kind of “what not to do”, or if they are religious by day and enjoyers of poly blogs by night, or even if they all somehow belong to Christian faiths that are totally cool with people ethically and honestly loving more than one person at a time. It’s interesting.
I’ve spent a lot of time this week thinking about what I believe. Great Date and I have been talking about it as he tries to find a way to stay sober and grow as an atheist. I’m not an atheist. I was. I don’t see anything at all wrong with being an atheist actually and don’t view my own journey as “I finally got it”. I hate when people are like that. I just have changed a bit and this is the particular direction I’ve grown at the moment. I could have as easily grown to become more atheist or more Christian or whatever. I’m not saying I outgrew my atheism.
My relationship with the spiritual stuff has always been complicated. I discovered sex and booze and drugs around the time my Dad (who raised me) became deeply maddeningly religious; like no rock music, church 3 times a week, bible study, exorcism, talking in tongues religious. I had been to Sunday school as a kid and felt like whoever God was he was kinda cool. Now I had an out and out war with God and my father. Public enemy number one became Christians and Jesus. I had my personal reasons, but let’s be honest. A group of people who walk around believing they know the only right way to be and all other people are wrong and it’s their personal mission to tell you how superior they are and to convert you, or at the very least pray for you.. well.. they’re asking for derision.
I developed a lovely drinking and drug problem and found myself in 12 step and again face to face with the God issue. That pesky God word was woven through the whole thing. I was certain of course that when they said it was open to me to find a power by which I could live, that what they really meant was my own religion or Christian belief. Happily, when I found a sponsor and actually did step work I discovered that I could be an atheist forever and have excellent happy sobriety, provided I did find some kind of power greater than me. I chose the 12 step program itself. This was a group of millions and millions of drunks who took simple suggestions and changed their lives. Pretty powerful.
This GOD (group of drunks) or this program (good orderly direction) totally saved my life and gave me an existence I could not have envisioned. The fact that I was an alcoholic was a symptom of what was wrong with me, and over time I took suggestions and really changed. The happiest, freest, most wonderful years of my life and people in my life are due to this.
Over time I began to have a kind of faith though. The more I did the stuff and it worked the more I began to trust it. It began to feel like maybe there was something, some kind of order to the universe, some kind of something to this oneness of all things. There is power that makes stars shine and animates a living thing before it dies. There is something. I tried to define it. I tried a bunch of religions and readings and practices. I converted. It never really fit. I liked things about Buddhism and the good kind of Christians. I like Jewish mysticism and some new agey stuff that not too out there… but it’s not.. me. None of it really fits that still small quiet voice in me that tells me the truth. There are aspects of all of it that ring false false false. So, over time I changed again. I accepted that there isn’t a church for me necessarily. I don’t get the comfort of a community of people who share my exact beliefs. I am spiritual but not religious. I don’t have any opinions on other people’s beliefs really and I found a way after years of intense work on it not to hate religious people and to make use of what they have to offer. I’ve met lovely lovely religious people and lovely lovely atheists. Whatever. Follow your heart I say. Let go of your prejudice and hate and find what is honest and true for you. If it works, don’t mess with it. Actually no.. even if it works, mess with it. Question it. Turn it over. Check its shocks. If its true it can take it.
I will never understand everything. I will never understand everything that is true and works, so sometimes I have to just go with it and see if it works. Maybe I’ll never fully get it, but I can always keep trying to. Eh.. that’s what my faith is.
So, how do I gel all of this with polyamory? Very very easily. My relationships are honest and open. I strive to tell the truth to those I am involved with.. the truth about my feelings, my intentions, my actions. I love them and try to treat them well. I hope that I make the people’s lives I am in better for having known me. I explore our connection, whatever it is, and try to let it be what it is. And the truth is, I think I AM a force for good in the people’s lives I am in.
I think I am in these people’s lives for a reason and they are in mine for a reason too. I think it is a spiritual truth that I draw people into my life and me to their’s because we need to be there. I’m not talking “the secret” kind of stuff here. Maybe just scientifically too. Maybe there is something about the way they present themselves that a part of me that has something to work out can recognize and be drawn to. I pray that I can be useful and that I can be an instrument for good in this world, and I’m bringing good I think to those I love. I don’t want to go on and on listing each way at the moment.. but I am doing spiritual good with those I love and there is a long list of what they bring to my life and what I bring to theirs. Yeah.. that’s how I gel it.