Bonding ain't always pretty

I had a couple of experiences this week that were kinda uncomfortable and difficult and strangely bonding.  The first was with Great Date.  We’ve had a BUNCH of really good bonding experiences lately that have definitely drawn us closer and brought intimacy, but one was sort of strange to me, in that we bonded from a small argument.  More precisely of course we bonded over the resolution of a small argument.

We’ve been working on what is okay to share and not share about other relationships with each other.  I don’t mean sharing sex details or avoiding making each other jealous.  I mean talking about relationship difficulties we have having with other people.  I had a little bad patch with my hubby and Great Date was an excellent confidant and source of support.. problem is that is pretty questionable if he should be hearing this stuff.  It’s natural to want to talk about the things that are weighing heavily on you with your close relationships.  This is great, but what if you’re telling your one boyfriend about your other or your boyfriend about your husband.  Well.. now it gets murky.  I’m not talking smack talk.  That’s clearly wrong.  Recreational bitching about or putting down a partner to another is clearly a violation.  I’m talking about seeking advice or comfort from your partner.

I had a problem with Great Date’s gal talking to my hubby about her problems with Great Date even though the two are building what everyone agrees is a good friendship.  It can make Hubby worry about me dating Great Date.  It can arouse his protective instinct of me and make him hate Great Date if he hears enough bad things about him.. even from his well meaning and suffering girlfriend who is only seeking innocent support for what she is going through.  Thing is.. I didn’t see that talking to Great Date about my hubby and I having difficulties on some things is actually kind of the same thing.  It can make Great Date protective or make him rile at certain less than lovely behaviors of Hubby and can make it hard for Great Date and Hubby to be friends or friendly if they’d like to.  Oops!  Great Date called me on it, and it hurt to think I’d lose his support or that intimacy, and to be honest it still does.. but I don’t want to create wreckage either, so until I figure it out I might keep things to myself or tell them to my totally unromantically involved friends.  It’s hard because I like my partners to be my friends.  I tell Hubby pretty much everything, and I wanted to have something similar with Great Date.. but it is messy and murky and could be detrimental to do so.  I’ll figure out where the line is.. but I get that it’s further back than I thought it was.

The conversation was via text, as pretty much all my coversations are with Great Date (which honestly I hate sometimes because it can lead to such misunderstandings), so Great Date didn’t realize I was agreeing but confused and I didn’t understand how upset he was becoming.  We worked it out, and I saw that he was right to call me on it, and he saw that I wasn’t trying to say he was totally wrong but stuggling.  Ironically, it was actually kind of nice.  We had a fight and stuck with it and worked it out.  The relief of that, and the example of how both of us is willing and tries to work with the other was.. endearing.  We both noticed it.

With Traveler yesterday I had a nice long overnight.  I told him I wanted to have some more vertical fun, because I didn’t want to treat him like a booty call.  He thought that was hilarious, since girls are usually more worried about BEING treated like a booty call than guys thinking they are booty calls.  I told him I was crazy about fucking him and that he was cool and I didn’t want him to grow tired or stop fucking me, so I needed to “broaden my base”.  Heh.

We spent hours talking and walking all over Seattle.  We went to my favorite gallery and looked at things at REI.  We always talk but we talked much more than usual and it was really nice.  The better part was that we finally talked a little more about sticky things.  We have been more.. on our best foot with each other.  We’ve been honest of course, and talked a little here and there about real things, but we finally talked about a few things that are really hard to talk about.  The weird part is that I’ve been craving just a little more connection with him, and trying unconsciously to “win” him over, joking that I want to “hook” him.  We talked about the ugly stuff.. just a little, and he told me that he is hooked.  I am hooked too.  I like it.  It’s just a little depth we needed, to be able to talk about the less lovely things and to be just that much more real.  Hmm… it’s a funny thing, bonding over the less pretty bits.  I like him more now that he’s real.

1 Comment

  1. Totally fascinating to me. I don’t know if I could do what you are doing. I like to talk, I like to share, and I don’t have much of an edit button at all. I think I would cause problems. Hmmm…as usual you give me something to think about.


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