I keep wanting to blog about Jealousy.. I have some interesting views and insights and recent conversations about it, but it’s just not where I am at mentally today. I’m sorting out something I have less of a hold on and this will probably be a less clear blog for it, but.. eh.. whatevah.
I am thinking a lot tonight and most of today about debate. I have this weird dynamic that is building with a one-time potential suitor turned good friend. I have really valued his input at times and gotten wonderful support from him, because the truth is that he’s a good and decent guy. He’s funny and interesting and good hearted. He’s thoughtful and is a real thinker, maybe too much of a thinking sometimes. In short, he’s a good person. But.. he’s making me fucking bananas.
I don’t know why but he HATES my boyfriend. He says he doesn’t, but he rarely misses an opportunity to gloat at my boyfriend’s foibles. He attributes all of my boyfriend’s actions to horrible (real or imagined) character defects, and has this kind of superior and utterly grating way of talking about him. “We’ll see hon. We’ll see”. He acts like he knows my boyfriend intimately and not only knows him, but smugly sees his future. This is all despite the fact that my friend has never met my boyfriend.. never had a conversation with him. He knows my boyfriend only through my boyfriend’s (admittedly prolific) Facebook posts and reading of “only a few of” my boyfriend’s blog postings.
I tried to call him on it and we had a big blow out. My friend insisted he had the info necessary to make what he felt was a good assessment of my boyfriend, and his assessment was frankly wayyy off. Now, I have to say that I generally put a lot of stock in what my friends say about my relationships, and with good reason. It’s scientific fact that you can’t see what people are in infatuation. Your brain will ignore red flags and pump up good qualities. The problem is that all of my friends that have met my boyfriend really like him. My husband really likes him.
I read them a post my friend was using to show what an asshat he thought my boyfriend was, and before any input from me, my friends and husband offered opinions similar to mine that agreed with my assessment of my boyfriend’s post as misguided and arrogant, but not mean spirited.. more the statements of a person who is insecure about something making a very clumsy point. This is in fact what my boyfriend admitted it was later. NO AMOUNT of reasoning with my friend would get him to admit that his assessment was simply not accurate because he lacked sufficient info. I mean really.. who would fully assess anyone, or even feel entitled to, only from their Facebook posts?
The conversation between me and my friend devolved into a stupid argument about what constitutes knowing someone “better”, and what assessments are based on, and what criteria a person uses to form a valid assessment, and bunch of other stupid shit. We made a kind of fragile peace where we agreed to disagree, but I haven’t really been able to let it go. It hurt me that my friend would not listen to my view, respect my superior knowledge of a man I’ve been dating and getting to know for 5 months and whom he’d never met. It insulted me. In fact there is an undercurrent of many of our recent conversations that rankle me with their smug pretentious and condescending tones. I think he honestly thinks he is better or smarter or more insightful than me.
We’ve since engaged in a series of more and more ridiculous arguments.
I’m honestly at a loss.
My friend has simultaneously been going after my boyfriend on line and my boyfriend has reacted with varying levels of frustration, letting it go, engaging back, saying dumb shit, correcting himself and making amends. To be super honest.. I respect my boyfriend’s actions here thought I don’t find them blameless, and find my friend’s actions to be petty. Worse.. I have been petty too, arguing over little things and having this series of regrettable debates.
I hate it. I dislike the strife and the bickering. I hate the pompous arguing and the splitting of hairs. I hate my own anger and my frustration. I hate the two of them pissing back and forth and measuring their dicks. I hate how bad my friend looks in this. He posted something like 30 ego-driven times on his own post in a big public forum the other day. I hate how much it engages something ugly in me and how I let it out. I hate that I wanted to call his shit out for improperly using the word “pollinating”. I hate that we can’t talk about it like normal people and work it out. I hate that my friend is the only one who finds himself blameless in all of this.. who hasn’t admitted any wrongs. My friend is still so fucking cock sure that he is right and it makes him very very wrong. I hate that this might cost me the friendship of such a good person.
My boyfriend is trying. It really makes me appreciate him, seeing his maturity and his attempts to be right or to make amends. It’s not that my boyfriend is perfect and my friend is evil. It’s only that they have both brought things to the table, just as I have, and only my boyfriend and I see where we are wrong and are trying to make amends or change. My friend is utterly sure, and this.. this utter lack of humility or willingness to be wrong.. is making me really really crazy. I am tired of discourse and argument and debate. I’d like to just enjoy my friend and my boyfriend, but I”m seeing that this is not possible. I guess even in polyamory there are times you can’t have your cake and eat it too.