I tried

I tried AGAIN to work things out with my friend.  No go.  Almost exactly two hours of chatting and he offered only one apology for the entire series of conversations… ONE.  He apologized for asking what he could do to “keep me from being constantly upset”.  I told him I was not “constantly” upset and that this was unfair and he apologized.  I told him thank you, and he immediately took it back.. saying “you’re just upset a lot, frequently upset” with him.  He admitted when asked directly that he had things he’d been wrong about but wouldn’t name any and would not see that he contributed to our current state.

I have been upset with him lately, but it’s all really coming back to the same thing.  I don’t know how to make peace with a person who is utterly unwilling to meet me half way.  I can admit and name ways in which I have been wrong and contributed to our mess.  He can’t.  He kept insisting he wasn’t saying mean or untrue things and saying things like “you completely divorce yourself from reason and rationality and your opinions are just totally false”.  Yeah.. that’s really nice.  I made a joke about going off to go stitch that on a pillow.  That’s not incendiary?

It’s about my friend’s inability to see their contributions to our recent arguments.  It’s about their totally pompous certainty that they have a right to read into the statements of someone they don’t know and that I do know and love.  It’s about them blowing off my opinions as biased (which of course I admit is possible but don’t appreciate being negated entirely).  It’s about them insisting they have equal ability to assess a person they  have never met in the same way a person who has spent significant time with the subject (not just me, but my husband and girlfriend and others too- which they also dismissed as biased because they are associated with me.  They dismissed the person’s girlfriend of ten years too.  Apparently none of these people are right either about a person they know and have met.. no no.. my friend still can’t trust them.  He must rely instead on his own opinions of a person he’s never spoken to).

He kept saying I was reading into things he said and becoming upset.. ironically the same thing that was making me upset when they do it with Great Date.  They said they could infer and read into my statements and Great Dates but that I couldn’t read into theirs. They wouldn’t say why they were so much more qualified.

We talked for two hours and got nowhere.

I feel at odds with him about everything.   I’m not really sure where we are, but I worry our friendship is for all intents and purposes over.  I think we’ll be cordial acquaintances and that really does make me sad.  Why does this have to be the hill he’ll die on?  Ego?  To me it isn’t really about the one argument, but all of the things since.. all of the dismissals of me and my ability to think and to understand.  It’s the smug certainty that they know better than I, better than my husband, my girlfriend, my friend, and my boyfriend himself.  It is their insistence that they are right and all of it is me.  When on Earth is it ever really all one person in an argument?

I don’t know.. I typed and deleted and typed and deleted here and I’m just tired.  More tomorrow.

1 Comment

  1. I am sorry, sweet one. You tried, as you said. It isn’t a failure to fail to connect with someone when they seem unwilling to at least meet you halfway; there’s no shame in eventually realizing that trying to reach out is just exhausting and fruitless. It’s still disappointing to realize that you’re just not getting anywhere, but I feel like for me it’s a good lesson in what I do and do not have control over — I don’t have any control over other people’s conversational style or ability to be hear other viewpoints. I rarely even have control over my *own* mean-spiritedness and lack of humility. The only thing I *ever* seem able to reliably control is how I *react* to people, so I just try to learn that lesson and act the best way I know how. Sometimes, “right action” just means walking away from someone who is toxic, as I chose to do with a few people lately.

    Isn’t it better to focus on the good people in your life, like your husband and girlfriend and others?



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