Trolling for fodder for my blog I read a post at: http://www.morethantwo.com/relationshipassumptions.html. It talked about the healthy and unhealthy assumptions we have about our relationships. One of the healthy assumptions really struck me. “My partner is with me because I add value to his or her life. Given a choice, my partner would still choose to be with me”.
So, given all the opportunity in the world, would Hubby still choose me? Would I choose him? If we weren’t married and didn’t have that tie, and if we could do anything, and technically we could, would we date and pick each other again? I asked Hubby this. He said he absolutely would and I would too. Hell yes I would.
There were times when I felt this wasn’t true in my marriage. There were times that I felt Hubby’s love was tenuous, not because it was uncertain or flighty but because I doubted my worth as a partner, because I wasn’t sure of my abilities as a lover, and I worried that I could not hold interest or that I wasn’t worthy of continued love. That wasn’t Hubby’s fault. He wasn’t cold or unloving, and it wasn’t that he didn’t cum enough or didn’t tell me enough that he loved me. The problem was that it was in me. There was something broken and it’s a terrible burden to love to ask your relationship to fix it.
The answer to all this was a little more complex. I had to let go of some painful past experiences, come to terms with some things about myself, learn to trust and become whole. Lucky for me I had plenty of opportunity. Hubby serves his country and is away for long stretches of time sometimes. Thank God for difficulty and the opportunities it presents for growth huh?
I would completely choose to again date Hubby. I would choose again to spend my life with him. I actually dream of spending my life with others too.. of being able to walk down the hallway and give those I love a quick kiss, or go to the apartment next door to see my poly family. This is a future dream right now though and well.. that’s a whole other blog post.
Hubby and I have been together 12 and a half years. We were monogamous for 12 of these years. Hubby brought me two children from his first marriage, and they are 15 and 20 now. We also had a foster daughter from the time she was 15 until a while after she aged out and went off to college. Together we had three babies that all died. We have survived two war deployments, a hurricane, an earthquake, and host of lesser disasters, including my father’s dying last year while my husband was on an 8 month deployment. This life has had its share of struggles and challenges. Some of what we have weathered has been awful and scaring and permanently altering. You do not lose three babies and survive unscathed. You just don’t.
We’ve also had our joys. We have traveled to and lived in great places. We supported each other through college and attended each others and our children’s graduations. We’ve gotten to be a part of these children’s lives and watched them learn and grow. We’ve made lifelong friends and served our country (I’m a Veteran also but now out). Our lives have been full of joys and we’ve healed and grown together.
He is still the funniest person I know. He is also one of the smartest. He’s decent and kind, compassionate, honest, full of integrity, and has good reason, a good mind and a good heart. He’s passionate and sweet. I love talking to him, and he’s my a real friend and partner.
I wonder if you are saying “If everything is so perfect, why polyamory”?
I love being poly because i get to have and pursue connections in whatever form they are meant to be. Hubby is not absolutely everything to me and I am not to him and we don’t have that pressure. He fulfills a freaking lot of my needs and desires, but not all. There are just things I am exposed to in life and in myself that I find in other partners. It’s just honest.
I was happy in monogamy, but it was at times it was an uneasy fit. I cheated on a zillion boyfriends and my first husband. I thought if I loved someone enough that this difficulty would go away. It didn’t. I thought I was wired wrong or fucked up. I learned this about myself before my relationship with Hubby and I worked hard to be sure I would be faithful. I accepted this part of me and set things in place to avoid attractions and connections with others. I was careful about my friendships and how I carried myself, especially while he was away. I’m making it sound like it was some huge and constant struggle. It wasn’t, but it was this ever present danger and this lurking underlying thing.
Even with my safeguards I fell in love with another woman. I can’t describe to you the difficulty of this. I loved her with every cell I had. I wanted her body, her mind, her love, her time, everything. I wanted her and it killed me. We never consumated the affair, but a situation like this threatened to destroy Hubby and everything we had together. I felt torn apart. I wanted nothing more than to never ever want another person and I’d been so careful and found her anyway. I wished so many times I could be two people because I loved him so much and I loved her too. I could have spent my life worshipping that love. Being poly removes this danger and our relationship is happier and more honest.
We had a bad patch as we opened up, a few times saying unlovely things to each other and struggling with drama and fitting into these new roles. It was hard. I won’t lie. We went through more of a bad patch than we’ve had in a long time. But we are emerging stronger and better for it and returning to our equilibrium. It’s nice to be married to someone who shares my belief in trying to live right and making amends and changing when we are wrong. I am a lucky lucky lucky girl and I know it. I have the freedom to choose and I would choose this life absolutely.. I would choose it again.
We’ve spent this quiet Saturday night at home snuggled up and watching a movie on the couch, and now as I blog to you he is over there playing a game on his phone. I’m going to finish up this post and I’m going to log out and go back to him. It’s cold over here and he looks like he needs more kisses.