Time for the Talks

If you’re dating me.. skip this one.  It has frank talk of sex and relationships that might suck if you are.. well.. involved.  You’ve been warned.  *kiss*

I’ve had a weekend and week beginning of talks.  The first was probably Traveler.  On Friday I went and had a lunch with him, which I felt really weird about because I had a date Friday night with Great Date.  I felt weird doublestacking and wouldn’t have done it except that Traveler is traveling unexpectedly.

Anywho, while I was hanging out with Traveler, we had time to tour his house, eat, snuggle and smooch a bit and chat.  Of course we got carried away and fucked on the couch in his office and maybe startled a mailman. Ha!

He told me his other gal called him her boyfriend.  I said something like “whoa! The boyfriend title.. wow.. “.  He kinda chuckled and said he was surprised by it too.  He confessed that their relationship had seemed to him to be pretty much just a physical thing, and not as “romantically or relationshippy inclined” as he and I until fairly recently, when they’d had a few dinners with him and his wife, watched a movie, and went to an event.

I perked up at his mention that we were “relationshippy” and “romantically inclined”.  He’s a cool customer and a pretty tough nut to crack.  I’m getting to know him, talking more with each date, but I still only see him about every other week and his travels are set to end but haven’t yet.  I said that I wouldn’t call him my boyfriend, and he said “no?”.  He didn’t seem disappointed, but curious.  He asked me where I thought we were.  I said I thought I liked it but I didn’t know that I would define it at this point, but that I was enjoying finding out with him.  He seemed happy with that answer.  He said he liked what we were doing and didn’t really know what to call it either.  He said it didn’t feel like just a physical thing to him and that there was a “lot of interest and potential” and that we seemed “compatible on a bunch of levels”.  Honestly.. it was a lil mushy for him.  I like him, but I’m taking it very very slow.  I don’t what we’ll be, if anything, but it’s nice to be finding it unfolding a little more.

Then Hubby and I talked a lot Saturday morning.  He was struggling with jealousy and momentary worry, and working out what he needed to ask Roller Girl for to feel comfortable.  He said he needed her to be really upfront about the possibility of others, because it freaked him out when she said she didn’t want to date a person and then went on a date with them, changing her mind.  He said he needed her to just tell him stuff so he could freak out and then get over it and get over freaking out.  He was emotional.  I supported him and soothed him and encouraged him to tell Roller Girl his fears and what he thought he needed.  I reminded him that we often bond over shared intimacies and truth and rarely bonded over perfection.

Then Sunday night Great Date and I had one of our all over the map talks, but this one heavy and about a bunch of important relationship stuff… how will we tell each other about potential new people.. about attractions and dates and other lovers or relationships, telling each other sex things, more safe sex practices and a bunch of other stuff.  More people are inevitable.  He is beginning to date again in earnest and never really quit.  I had a very interesting talk with my old friend who is planning a visit, and well.. we’re poly.  It’s gonna happen.

We decided that disclosure was best.. but a measured disclosure.  I don’t want blow by blows or descriptions of acts or anything.. but you know.. I wanna be in the know.  It helps it not be this secret thing or this scary thing that threatens me.  If I am in the know I can prepare for feelings and respond better.  It’s good from a safe sex perspective and it helps me see his decision making process and helps me feel included and not replaced.

We agreed.  Then we had to tell each other stuff.

I told him that my friend would be coming to town.  My very good friend.. hmmm.. let’s call him.. PhD.  PhD and I have been friends for 11 years.  I tricked him into college and he’s now a PhD student in Boulder.  When Hubby and I opened up I told PhD.  After a while we began to flirt.  We acknowledged the deep love we have for each other and the fact of a little sexual chemistry.  Our friendship really hasn’t gone there before, mostly due to appropriate boundaries and lack of opportunity.  Turns out.. the feelings are quite mutual.  Interesting.

I’m not sure if PhD and I will actually consummate anything, and to be honest I’m not sure we can, but it is an enticing prospect and he’s planning a trip here.  This was hard to tell Great Date.  Hubby found it amusing and was happy for me, seeing the potential long distance friend as a welcome and nice thing for me.  Much in the same way that it’s harder to hear about Great Date’s encounters than Hubby’s -it was really hard to tell Great Date.  I wanted to chicken out .  I had to stop and kiss him and hold him a few times as I told him.  It was scary and I didn’t want to hurt him or lose him.

It was also hard when he admitted he slept with the girl he’d described the date of the other day -leaving out that he slept with her.  I felt.. punched.  It wasn’t so much that he’d slept with her, but that he’d described the date.. we’d talked about her a good deal and he’d never hinted.  I felt stupid.  I’d met her a day or two before our talk and had no idea a few days prior they’d slept together.  I did not like finding it out like this.. later.  I did not like feeling like an idiot.

Obviously we’d never discussed how to handle this, so it’d been his attempt to be sensitive.  I wasn’t mad at him and didn’t blame him.  It honestly wasn’t his fault.. but God it hurt.  I was literally breathless for a minute as I processed and realized the part that bothered me was the secret and the lie of the secret.  I told him I needed him to be honest and up front about this stuff in the future.  I need to be in the loop.  Much like Hubby, I can trust you more and feel more okay about these things if your actions and disclosures indicate to me that I am in the know and that you will always be honest with me and I will always have all the necessary info.  I can trust you because I know I will not be lied to or misled and that you honor and respect our relationship.  For his part, I think Great Date felt bad.  I tried not to make him feel bad or be weird about it.  Part of asking for him to disclose will be that I will need to create a space where he can disclose.

Then tonight I talked more with PhD… having the safe sex talk and the boundaries talk and the what does it all mean talk.. a little out of order since we’ve never even kissed.. but we are going into this already the best of friends.  Man.. talk talk talk.

I chuckle sometimes reading or hearing people thinking that poly is all about the sex.  Yeah.. it’s a little about the sex.. okay.. a good deal.. but it’s also about the heart and that’s all about communication.  Hell even the sex is about communication.  It’s good though.  I wouldn’t trade it for anything.  I guess that’s just where my relationships are at right now.  PhD and I are figuring out and negotiating a change in our relationship.  Traveler and I are figuring out what is beyond our searing chemistry.  Great Date and I are basking in delicious sex and more and more growing love.  I’m left today still processing all that discussion and figuring out the principles I will need to do poly ethically, justly and well.  Judging from the sheer amount of stuff I find out daily I don’t have answered or worked out yet, I’m guessing this is going to be a long and continuing process.  S’okay.  I don’t call it the relationship Olympics for nothing.

6 Comments

  1. This was an unexpected but good post to read. Unexpected because taking your suggestion I wrote a blog about what I have been learning from you; communication is key. Good because you talk about the communication that is necessary and how hard it can be.

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    • Thanks for the blog shout out. It is a bit of a mess sometimes, but it’s a good mess. The first thing I thought when I heard of poly was “how damn complicated…no way!”. Heh. I was kinda right about the complication. It’s not easy, but it is deeply rewarding. I don’t mean just the amazing amazing sex either. I am held and kissed and loved.. Cherished and respected. I have wonderful fun times and am really and truly free in so many ways. It does require talks sometimes.. A lot for me now because I’m fairly new at it and am learning, and because I foolishly and luckily started so many relationships pretty much at once. I thought it was pretty cool that you mostly nailed it in your post.
      Fun fact.. If your wife is bi you would be known as unicorn hunters. It’s funny. Look it up. :).

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  2. My primary partner sent me a link to your blog just yesterday. I’m fairly new to poly and love finding others that are feeling their way through it like me. That’s really how I see it… poly is personalized for the people involved. And I COMPLETELY agree with you on secrets and lies. I realized a long time ago it’s not usually the act but the deception that hurts me. I feel betrayed in those instances. Thanks for sharing your experiences. It definitely helps me consider things for the future.

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