I'm OUT!

In the months we’ve been poly I’ve told a few people.  At first we were nervous and shy and didn’t know if this would stick.  We didn’t tell anyone.  It felt like something that just didn’t really need to be shared with anyone.  I mean, we don’t tell everyone our favorite sex positions or if I swallow or spit.  Why would we tell them this?  It seemed like a non-issue.

mom dad cat

Then, as months went by and we met and began real relationships with people, it started to feel like we were hiding important things about us.  I was evasive about “why I’d been up to”.  I wanted to mention my love 500 times a day and sometimes would talk about my “new friend”.  I told my best friend and my sponsor.  Things got more wonderful.  I started a blog to talk about it because I was bursting at the seems with all of this excitement and fear and love and joy.

It began to be that people would ask me what I did this weekend and I’d feel like a liar.  It had been jam packed with amazing conversations and adventures, sex and love and I couldn’t talk about any of it.  If felt awful now each time I pared my weekends down and said “not much” or “hung out with some friends”.  I told my brother and my cousin.  He was jealous and she thought it was just odd but supported whatever I’m doing.

I began to have more friends from polyamory meetups and potlucks and such.  I started talking to other bloggers and became friendly with the loves of my loves.  I went through a painful and eye-opening breakup.  I told more of my friends and family.

My father is dead and my mother is estranged but I’d tell them if I could.  Everyone who matters to me knows and I’m okay with any of my acquaintances knowing too if it comes up.  I was scared to tell my stepdaughters, and could make arguments for and against.. but I wanted them to know.  It felt messed up to hide something as big as another relationship from them.  I found myself musing about the future and the possibilities.  I’d ask myself what it will look like.  Will I get to live with any of my loves?  Live nearby?  Start a coop?  I started dreaming of what it might be like to walk down the hall and kiss Great Date or see Roller Girl over coffee with Hubby.  I started to imagine Thanksgivings full of love.  I want my daughters there too.

They are 15 and 20 years old and live with their mom, seeing us at Christmas and summers.  The oldest is a… well.. a drama queen.  Still, we both wanted them to know.  It just felt dishonest that they didn’t.  We planned to tell them over the Christmas vacation but Hubby just went ahead and just told them.  It went pretty well, surprisingly well.  The youngest said something like “Eww Dad.  That’s pretty weird.  Anyway, about Christmas…”.  The oldest took it a little harder, saying that she was scared.  She generally doesn’t do well with change and is a pretty emotional kid.  Since yesterday she said she’s been crying a bit and describes herself as “I’m in an angry/sad stage right now.  We both wanted to cry all day.  We are not disappointed or upset with you we just don’t get it or understand it and just feel like our lives are extremely not normal”.  She usually says “we” when she means me, but still.

To be honest… I get it.  There are parts of what she said that hurt me, but I DO get it.  It IS unusual and hard to explain.  I had a hard time myself explaining why we are doing this, why we are choosing to open up our lives and our hearts to the rewards and challenges of loving more than one person.  It IS complicated and it IS a bit outside the box of what the rest of society claims to be doing.  We were pretty happy in our monogamous marriage with each other.  We didn’t actually have to do this.  I get now that it is about the freedom and opportunity, the learning and growth and communication, and the immense joy of love and honestly it is being more ME.  It is about sexual variety and freedom and exploration to me too, which is harder to tell my young daughters about and not really how I’d say it to them.  They don’t understand yet the draw of sexual variety because they are just too young, and I’m sure the hell not explaining how wonderful it is to explore my vanilla and my kink.

I’m being as compassionately honest as possible and as clear as possible though they aren’t asking much yet.  They plan to meet Roller Girl and Great Date and are looking forward to it, but has asked we don’t kiss or hold hands, but maybe just hug.  I had to laugh at that one.  Of course I wouldn’t be all mushy gushy in front of my kids.  LOL.  I agreed that I was fine with that.  I’m sorry to upset them, even a little in the getting it out there stage, but I’m glad it’s out there.  It’s hard for me to hide and evade and be dishonest and this is a huge one to lie about.. that our hearts are open and we are lucky enough to be finding love.

I’m out.  I’m clean.  I am living how I want and other than my hubby’s job.. I have nothing to fear.  It’s kind of wonderful out here.  The water is a little new still, but so far it feels fine.


  1. Congratulations. I told my family over the weekend and the experience was… painful. My other counterparts’ families found out a few months ago and took it somewhat better.

    The thing I found interesting is that so far the only people that had any kind of doubt about our triad have been family. Friends have been really supportive and very understanding. I have at times told complete strangers that I just met moments ago just to see what the reaction would be like, and I did not get the “burn in hell you sinner” response even once. One time I even got a “A triad? Oh, my parents are in one of those.” Maybe this world isn’t as intolerant as I thought it was.


  2. I’m surprised that it’s been relatively okay telling people. I was most scared to tell our daughters, and they are having a few more bumps with it, but overall it’s really not bad. My friends have been along the lines of “you lucky bastard!” and “I could never do that but cool for you” and my family has mostly been “are you sure?” except for my brother that said “YOU LUCKY BASTARD!”. The youngest daughter is just a little confused and kinda thinks it’s really weird. The eldest is a bit more dramatic about it, but not horrifically so at this point. She’s asking questions and expressing a bunch of angst, but pretty mild for her. One of my friends clearly doesn’t like it and said their peace, but we’re moving past it so far. It’s interesting though that it hasn’t been as hard as I imagined. Even strangers just seem to be like.. really? Let me ask a lot of questions now. LOL


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