I am really torn whether I should write about “liking people”.
Sooooo.. things with Great Date are.. well.. stupendous. We are falling into more real love and the new relationship energy is there still, in the passion and kissing and non-stop affection, but things have gotten more real and a heck of a lot deeper. He is THE SHIT. The other night we as we lay in bed our conversation drifted from vocabulary to fisting, on to psychological coping mechanisms and back to human chemistry, sharing one’s self with others, and the wonder of super deep fucking. It’s amazing to find someone you can have hours of wicked good sex with on a regular basis that is also sweet and thoughtful, and side-splittingly funny. I keep saying it, but I love the places I can go with Great Date in my mind, body and soul. Yeah.. I have it bad.
On a much lighter and strangely scarier note.. I really find myself liking Traveler and told him so, gulp! I seriously have no idea what is wrong with me. I tell Great Date and Hubby many times a day that I love them with nothing but warmth and sincerity. But to tell a guy I like him makes me.. panic. (Admittedly telling him that I love him for the first time is also pretty damn nerve wracking.)
I currently see Traveler about every other week (except this month when I’ll see him only once because of travel and scheduling issues). He is coming off of the road and will therefore have more free time here in Seattle. Excellent. He is married and seeing one girl besides me, and he said he has no intentions of adding anyone else at this time. I told him in a chat.. not even where he could see my face or anything.. that I liked him and that I’d like to see more of him, and my palms became sweaty and I shook and turned red and got all twittery and butterfly stomached. I flapped my hands like a bird! Seriously? Really?
I know intellectually that this is stupid. I mean, what is he going to do? “You like me? You LIKE me? Ewwww. Listen that’s disgusting. I don’t like you and I’m appalled at your audacity. I text and call and chat with you, and sent you pictures, and have like 24 hour dates with you where we kiss and fuck and cuddle and talk, but I don’t like you. Keep that shit to yourself!”. I laugh madly writing that, because yes.. on some level I am scared of that. I am scared I’ll tell him that I like him and he’ll get weirded out and talk later to a friend about how he wanted to chew his own arm off to escape, like a wolf caught in a trap would chew off its leg.
I told him I’m a weirdo at this.. this part. I don’t know what Traveler and I are really and I’m not sure it needs defining, but it does leave me in this weird in-between place. I don’t think that I am falling in love with him or him with me, but I also think we aren’t as casual as we once were, not that we were exactly ever casual. We are friends but we aren’t friends with benefits. He isn’t my boyfriend, but he’s more than a lover. When I told him how it freaks me out to say I like you or that I’d like to see more of you, and that I didn’t understand why, he said “because if it’s not really fucking clear that i really like you too, then you’re putting yourself “out there” — in a vulnerable position of sharing your feeling when you’re not sure that they will be reciprocated… :)”. Then a minute later he said “so…. umm…. i really like you too! :D”.
Oh, thank God. I want to be a bold brave woman, and I am, but not with this stuff. There may be a day when I can boldly declare myself, unafraid of others reactions, but that day ain’t here. I’m working on it.