Poly people just LOVE to talk, or well.. we talk a lot anyway. It makes sense when you think about it. One relationship requires a certain amount of time together, attraction, sex, affection, communication, shared interests etc. If you have two or three relationships it’s two or three times those bits and adds a few more complicated bits, and that means at the very least, a lot of talking.
I had a pretty good day yesterday… until I got insecure. Little things floating in my brain coalesced and I was a bit of a mess. The unfortunate part of this is that I was at Great Date’s place where I had promised a nice stress free evening of dinner and companionship because he’d had a bad day. I really meant that promise but I cracked.
Hubby was grumpy and snapped at me when I called him shortly after arriving at Great Date’s house. He got snappish with me and it just hurt. I’ve been a little on edge anyway and I’ve been thinking that he and I are building loves with other people and we need to be more conscientious about making sure we keep maintaining our connection. You hear horror stories fairly regularly of people who lost sight of their existing relationships and suffered their demise because they took them for granted or didn’t nurture THOSE connections while they built others. I do not want this to happen to us.
In Hubby’s defense, neither does he. He’s not an asshat. He does loving things all the time, but this day.. well.. I was focusing on the few (granted fairly bad) bad things Hubby has done lately. Some of this is that I hadn’t been totally honest about my feelings with either him or Great Date about the little niggling things that have bothered me. I wanted to “not make any silly girl waves”. But.. I should know better. My feelings are important and if I don’t address them they’ll come out sideways. I had not been honest and I paid.
Hubby cancelled our date for Wednesday to hang out with Roller Girl when her plans changed and hadn’t even asked me. He just gave it away and it HURT. He made fairly thoughtless comments recently too indicating that we’d be fine if due to a bunch of circumstances we had to be apart for a while but that he’d take Roller Girl because he couldn’t bear being apart from her right now. He explained that he meant because their relationship was so new and might not survive it and ours is so established and has many times, but still.
So, here I was at Great Date’s house for what I pictured as a nice relaxing dinner. But, then he said he’d like to eat at his house and oh.. by the way his ex was coming home any second to eat with us again. Well.. I was disappointed. I get that he’s trying to be supportive and do the right thing. There really isn’t a manual for how to treat your ex polyamorous girlfriend that you plan on living with for months while you have your other girlfriend over for dinner. It’s sort of a novel situation. And a I DO like her. She’s honestly a really cool person and we’ve hung out a number of times and I’ve enjoyed it. But, she’s been on our dates kind of a lot lately. We had a super awkward dinner and stilted conversation about 4 feet from his ex who was also clearly upset. I left with my stomach in knots.
When I got out I saw that Hubby had left some sweet messages I felt a teeny bit better but was still distressed. I rode in the even colder and now really pouring rain to my ferry and my motorcycle worked its magic on clearing my mind. I needed to talk to Hubby and level with him about what I was feeling. I needed to level with Great Date about how I felt about dating his ex by proxy too. So I got to the ferry and I talked to Hubby. We made a good plan and I feel like we shored up what we need to do to nurture us.
I decided to do a little more processing on the Great Date front. I woke ready to talk to him and asked him to call me and told him why, because I hate people saying “we need to talk” and keeping the subject a mystery. We easily worked it out. Guess what? It was a damn good idea to just say it. He knows I love him and knows I like his ex. It’s not drama and it’s not a big deal to say I’d like less of his ex on our dates. Another good lesson in communication. Oh relationships, when we you stop teaching me these lessons! (I’m guessing when I’m dead or live alone on an ice flow, and even then I’ll probably have to learn to talk to the voices in my head.) I’ve learned this lesson before and am usually pretty good about it, but when things kinda pile up I begin to doubt my feelings and shy away from disclosing. Turns out, this is when I most need to speak up. A little communication and all is smooth again today and I feel right with me and mine and my place in the world. Good lesson life.. good lesson.