I’m enjoying a quiet evening at home with my Hubby and our daughters, who are home for Christmas. Hubby made chicken nuggets, green beans and tater tots. We are now watching some kind of goofy teen girl movie about singing. What? You thought I lived a life of non-stop searing sex and kink? Hehehe.. surprise! I am a relatively normal human being. I love and have intimate relationships with more than one person but I have a family. How’s that work?
Our daughters are ages 21, 20, and 15. Our first daughter, T, was a foster daughter that we had from 15 until she graduated from high school and went off to college. Our other daughters are hubby’s from his first marriage. A1 is studying photography in college and A2 wants to study to be a pastry chef when she graduates. They are normal and happy and well adjusted kids and seem to be taking it pretty well that their father and I are sexual deviants. 😛
We decided to tell them and they took it overall well. In general we’ve been really well received but our decision to tell our daughters that we are polyamorous has come under a little fire. Hubby’s sister asked why we would put them through that.. tell them about any of this. She made the point that we didn’t need to disclose because our daughters don’t usually live here and they wouldn’t really have to know. It wouldn’t greatly affect them and isn’t necessary. She felt it was selfish to make them “deal with all of this” before they come out to visit for Christmas and that we just should have said nothing.
Here’s the deal though.. this is not just some deviant sexual practice. It’s not like we sat them down and felt the need to tell them that we like fisting. THAT would be unnecessary. We told our daughters that we love people. We told them because we wanted to share with the people that we love that we love these people.
We wanted to stop lying when they asked us what we were doing or how we spent our weekends. We wanted to be honest because frankly we raised our daughters to be honest people. (And yes of course we would just say we had a date and normal stuff.. not share icky sex details kids never want to know about their parents).
We wanted to tell them because we honestly believe what we are doing is moral. We are honest and open and strive constantly to be better people, to right wrongs when we commit them, to grow and change when we can and should. We respect those we date and love. We try to treat everyone decently and support each other. We practice safe sex and are careful with our health and the health of those we are intimate with. We try to be as honest as is compassionate with all of our dealings. This is something worth telling our daughters about.
We also wanted to tell them because our relationships aren’t dirty little secrets. I love Great Date. I love him as I love Hubby or anyone else I’ve ever really cared about. I hope there is a future there and that there is something with him and I in it. (Oh Great Date, don’t freak if you read this lover.. it’s only a hope.)
I honestly don’t know what my future holds and I don’t know what it will look like. You’d think that would be a little scary, but really.. it isn’t. It’s exciting. My future and my love can be whatever it is. I can build the family I crave by simply loving and living honestly and openly and letting my connections be what they are and working to build them. It will take work and dedication, and of course it won’t ALL be steamy sex and fun. Sometimes it’s hashing shit out and saying hard things. Sometimes it’s being patient and sometimes it’s being surrounded by love. It’s messy. I’m finding that I’m okay with that.
And here’s the thing. Let’s say that all my dreams come true. Let’s say it’s a big old Thanksgiving with Great Date and Roller Girl, Hubby and me, A1 and A2 and Roller Girl’s daughter. Let’s say Traveler and his wife stopped by too. Let’s say the loves of loves are there too. Hell.. let’s say it’s a big old poly family with lots of connections. It’d probably be good to them to know that our loves exist if we ever want to have such a dinner, right? Would anyone be less upset if we told them we’d had relationships with Great Date and Roller Girl for the past 2 years and been dishonest about it, hid it like a dirty little deed?
Hubby’s sister might not get it and she might be mad at us. It might be challenging sometimes. I might get my heart broken. I might have to have talks I don’t really want to have to get the resolution I crave. I might make mistakes and learn and grow and change and be loved. Fuck it. It’s my life and I am living it the absolute best I can. I am open and open to all that entails.
If that’s a lesson I teach my kids.. good. I hope they do live how they want to live and that it brings them every happiness.