Hope and Fear and Everything in Between

I so relate and am just.. awed. She sometimes says the things I think and cannot say.I held my breath reading:

“At first, you don’t notice all of the subtle twists and turns your brain takes: “How will he feel about this?” “I shouldn’t say that, it will upset her” “I must be wrong, look how (angry/sad/anxious) that makes him. I won’t mention it again”. One day you wake up and realize you haven’t said a really honest thing to each other in a very, very long time. I think the day that I told Jack about my desire to open our marriage was the first really heartfelt and
truthful discussion we had in quite a while.”

Why do we do this! I’ve been talking about this a lot lately. It’s present in really simple little things and in big things. I have asked my husband to cum on my face. It’s just a small thing and I’m not saying all the time. A few times though I thought it would be hot.  I like a lot of whorish little things. Whatever. Don’t judge me.   It didn’t go well when I asked him to do it. He became offended on my behalf and said he couldn’t do it. It wasn’t huge and I wasn’t that super crushed. I thought it was silly but I certainly don’t want him to do things that make him uncomfortable so I dropped it. Years later we opened up and his Madonna/Whore thing with me has really been exposed. It came up that this is something he said he’d wants to do to his girlfriend. Why are we attracted to the Whore and make her become a Madonna? Why do we shut off like that?  I stopped asking for things that might make him react. Nobody wants their mate to be squicked out at their desires and so I became for him the innocent Madonna in many ways. I trust him more that any other person on Earth and I just stopped telling the truth. Our sex life was good, but it could have been better. We were so limited because we were dishonest!

Years ago when we both loved the same woman, who lived with and loved us, he wouldn’t admit to me that the idea of being with her together was exciting. I asked him 3 separate times, twice in bed and once out to fuck her with me and he swore he felt no attraction for the beautiful and amazing woman. He thought it was a trap. He asked me why I wanted this and I told him it was just a passing thought and fantasy that I’d discussed with the lovely woman. I lied. I didn’t tell him that I loved her, that I was utterly in love with her and that I would give anything to touch her and not cheat on him. I just didn’t tell the truth. Turns out he was attracted to her too. The love we lost by just not being honest!

We fall in love with people for who they are and if we let it, our love changes them. Some of it really is inevitable. If you live with and love someone they affect you. You learn to eat things you didn’t before and try things they like and sometimes find you like them too, or that you like enjoying them enjoy the activities anyway. This is a beautiful and very important reason to have relationships, this fact of what it brings to us and says about us and gives us and the opportunities it gives us to give to others.
But when we are dishonest.. when we evade and lie and mislead.. look where it leads us. I wonder how much of this is really inevitable and how much of it is laziness. Clearly being a totally inflexible fuckwad is a bad idea, but giving up essential aspects of ourselves for peace is also inadvisable. I think the trouble is with determining which is which.
Is cumming on my face essential? Well, probably not. I’m not even that super into it. It was just a silly idea. It has me thinking though, how this living openly has made me vastly more honest. I’ve been spending inordinate amounts of time thinking “what do I really want?” “What do I really need?” “What do I want to keep from my monogamous life and what no longer serves me?” It’s valuable thought. Am I living my relationships the way I want to and if not, why not?
I love this blog. I love it.

2 Comments

  1. It really is all about open, honest communication! I’m amazed at how often I avoid my own truth for some of the same reasons that you mention here in your post. It takes vulnerability to be honest; there is almost always the fear what I say/want/articulate will be rejected. The growth for me is to be honest anyway, and let the rejection be where it belongs; with the one who gives it.

    Like

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