Pouring it Out

I haven’t blogged for a little bit because I was being emo and I just didn’t want to pour that out here.

I was having and honestly am still having feelings of  fear.  I felt like I was being replaced in my husband’s life.  It’s also because we’re having a little dry spell sexually as he is kind of working thru some of his own stuff.  But it’s also because he was just simply not taking care.  He blew off a date with me to be with Roller Girl, again.  I think this is the third one.  He talks to her every night until he goes to sleep.. leaving us zero time to talk before bed or have our own romantic times and NO AMOUNT of asking him to not talk to her right up until we sleep has stopped it.  He and Roller Girl have been doing things sexually that he has simply refused to do with me.  They are little things, but he’s had a madonna/whore thing with me for a long time and wouldn’t entertain them.

He gave me a present for Christmas that was a book he ordered on behalf of his girlfriend and with her on the phone.  I was there when he ordered it.   I was heartbroken that we’d decided to keep it simple this year and get each other a book and he had simply not thought enough of me to order me a book he picked out for ME.  Yeah.. it hurt.  I have decided to let it go, but I’m not sure how yet.  He’s made attempts to make it up to me, and bought me a little stuffed lama he and our daughters searched all over town for because I am so tickled by the phrase “drama lama”.  It did make me feel good that he thought of me to do that.  He’s a good and loving man.  He’s also talked to me a great deal, really working on our communication and it shows.  He’s been honest with me.  He’s been trying to work with me on the little things that aren’t going great in our relationship with a good deal of success and cried today in the car when he yelled at me and caught himself.  He is ashamed of how he’s acted, for having been mean so often and taken me for granted and generally for just not taking care.  He wants to be better and is making effort and that DOES earn points with me.  I have every reason to hope and feel we will work this out, but that doesn’t erase my hurt little feelers overnight.

It was also really hard when our daughters were  here.  Well.. that shit is hard.  Family is just hard, isn’t it?  My dad used to say family is like fish…it goes bad after 3 days.

Traveler also added another girl.  He said he wasn’t open to anyone else and that he had no time for more with his wife, his other girl and me, and then he added one.  Wow.. now I understand Great Date being upset when I kept saying the door was closed and then having it not be.  Traveler was just THIS WEEK is coming off of traveling for work and finally in a position to devote a little more time to his relationships.  Honestly, I was surprised that it threw me for a loop.

Great Date said he knew I wasn’t as casual with Traveler as I’d said.  That’s both utterly true and not true.  When Great Date and I discussed Traveler I wasn’t that sprung on him and in my defense I’m still not “sprung”.  There has been no talk of the big L and we’ve only just broached the “like”.  But yeah.. things with Traveler aren’t as casual as they were.  We are not near love and I’m still thinking we may never be, but I really genuinely like the guy and he likes me.  There is some real affection there. Boiling down why I was upset about this new girl though is really just that I don’t want to miss out on time with Traveler and I don’t want to lose the connection we do have.

I don’t want to lose my husband or be replaced by Roller Girl.

I don’t want Traveler to stop wanting to see me or fail to deepen our association because he is spread to thin.

It’s all about a fear of losing what I have or the chance of what I want.  It’s all about a fear of abandonment.  Damn it!  That again.  I’ve probably worked through 47,000 varieties of that fear.  It’d be nice if I ever really and totally got rid of that one, but I think it’s with me for life and I will always have to work on it.  I’ll make progress, but my guess is I’ll never get there.  It’s like a lot of other things I’ll never be perfect at.  I’m no longer as jealous of Traveler’s new girl, but I will have to watch to not become resentful as she takes his time.  I’m less scared of Great Date’s dating, but I’ll have to be patient as we learn to trust and disclose to one another, and we build trust the only way you ever can build trust – with time and experience.   And I’ll work these kinks out with Hubby  and keep building our relationship, because it is work sometimes but I’m a lucky woman and I know he’s worth it.

Which brings me to my last huge emo thing this week.  I began to wonder…was I trading what I had with Hubby.. real and lasting love for shallow connections that would never last?  Can relationships ever really last and can poly relationships especially last?  I came to another level of acceptance on the impermanence of love and came through it with both more pragmatism and more hope.

Yes.  A freaking fuck ton of marriages end in divorce. Yes.  Sometimes relationships do transition from steamy sexy ones to quiet companionship.  And yes, sometimes relationships end,  run their course or just don’t work.  It is good to remember this.  It’s just like in the mono world.  But here’s the thing.  Sometimes loves really do last.  Sometimes you have friendships for decades, as I do with PhD and my best friend since I was 14.  Sometimes you have love and passion for 12 and a half years, as I do with Hubby (our recent month long dry spell not withstanding).  Sometimes there are people in your life in really intimate ways that last.  It IS possible.  It may be rare and special and really hard to find, but it does exist.

I felt like I had to feel that this is a possibility to keep giving my heart out as I am, and it was dark there for a moment but I find myself seeing the hope I need.  I can accept having my heart broken and understanding that most of the love I pour out will be temporary.  I can accept bad dates and hurt feelings and changes coming to my love, sometimes in ways that I do not want and that hurt.  I can accept all of this if I feel that this love is real no matter how long it lasts and that sometimes.. some brief wonderful times.. sometimes you build connections that last for a lifetime.  I may be new and bumbling at dating, especially in a poly world, but I am not a stranger to love or forming long lasting connections.  I’m actually extremely lucky in this way.  It’s nice to be emerging from this spell of processing.  It’s nice to remember why I’m doing this and nice to be reaching some success in letting go of more of my insecurity.  I guess I feel slightly better about pouring this out now that I feel like I am moving past it and I feel like I have some conclusions to share.  Hopefully it wasn’t TOO emo.

3 Comments

  1. Oh Baby!! My heart ouches for you! It is perfectly normal to have these feelings! We all fear abandonment. Love is like a warm and cozy duvet-and who wants that snatched off your body on a cold night? I definitely have moments when I find the transition from mono to poly more difficult. It’s hard for me to think that once I came first for someone…and now I am nobody’s “number one girl”. But I remind myself I have very good reasons for doing this, and moreover, I can’t go back now. And wouldn’t want to. All I can do is sit with it and breathe until the feelings ebb a bit. I also recommend chocolate. And the movie, “The Princess Bride” – my favorite flick. Remind yourself how beautiful you are inside and out and how much love you invite into your world and have a very, very Happy New Year!

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  2. No not too emo, very honest and open. Thank you for sharing this, I feel for you that you are going thru all of the emotional turmoil, but I had been wondering about the other side of poly; the doubts and fears. You expressed what you are going through in a way that makes me see that they can be dealt with, that they can be worked through, and that communication, even if it is being honest with yourself, is still key. Again, thank you for sharing.

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  3. This is really eye opening. I often think that people in poly relationships are superior, more evolved beings not subject to feeling of insecurity or fear of abandonment. In a very real way this makes me more willing to attempt it. I’ve always thought, “I’m too jealous, or afraid of abandonment” but I always saw something in poly that felt right.
    Anyhow, I guess what I’m trying to say is thank you for being brave enough to be honest about what you go through.
    xxxo

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