I’m a happy girl. I just am. I feel good today and generally good most days.
I’m musing a little though. I had a conversation recently that kinda raised a little thread of desire. I’m feeling a little randy. I’m wanting a little something. It’s not up to seeking yet.. but I can see it getting there eventually. See.. I’m a little kinky. I love my vanilla.. LOVE it. In fact I’d say I probably prefer vanilla, but I like a little spice, now and then.
Back when I dated Kinky Boy, I got spice in spades. Sadly it was attached to a manipulative, emotionally dismissive, selfish, inconsistent ass-hat. I don’t say this lightly. He wanted to get me fired. He outed me at work. He threatened my husband’s career. He admitted he lied repeatedly to try to get me to get me to do his bidding. He admitted he tried to manipulate me. He fluid bonded (had unprotected sex) with his girlfriend who was totally untested, while sleeping with me and with his ex, Rollergirl. We used protection, but he never told me or Rollergirl this. He lied to his girlfriend, to his ex, and to me.. often. Though he talks a big talk about consent, he broke oodles of rules about consent while playing with me. We broke up pretty damn fast, but it took longer than it should have. Part of the reason why was that I loved exploring this part of me and my sexuality. I didn’t want to let that go because I believed I may never have it again and I wasn’t ready to let go of that. I liked giving up in that way. I liked the freedom and release and newness. I liked what I was learning. But, when it was clear he was lying to his girlfriend and to me about even matters of health and safety, it had to end.
I tried to meet another Dom, figuring I could maybe find the things I liked so much about my association with Kinky Boy with a better source.. a more mature, adult, fulfilling person. I went to the nearby clubs (there are two) and attended munches and meet-ups and socials for kink. I tried to find people on Fetlife and OK Cupid. What I kept finding though was that the Doms I was meeting were… off. I kept hearing about problems with consent, abuses, and just general ass-hattery. Doms would sometimes act like they owned me and have to be told that while you are a Dom, you aren’t MY Dom yet. I am not a weak-willed lilly lass. You don’t just get to claim me. I GIVE myself to you. I sub when I CHOOSE to sub and I wasn’t meeting anyone I wanted to date that was a Dom.
I think that may be the problem. I’m not sure there are a ton of well adjusted healthy individuals out there that I was meeting that are Dom. I found people I might want to play with, but no one I would remotely consider dating. And going off with a stranger or relative stranger to explore this stuff seemed.. unwise.. at best. So, while I met cute guys who seemed to have similar interests on Fetlife, I wasn’t going to go to a strangers house to ask him to stick needles into and fuck me.
I could go to the club and maybe find someone to do certain fun activities with, but this didn’t hold much interest because it seemed like often these things were totally separate from or WERE the sex. People weren’t like flogging people and then having sex with them. People were flogging people and then everyone would get dressed and go talk over punch. Great Date offered to kinda be my wing man, to be sure I was safe at a club while I checked stuff out, but I’m pretty sure he didn’t want to watch me get spanked and then go do me in the back room. That’s asking kind of a lot.
So.. what do I do? If you can’t just meet random strangers to play with and have sex, and you don’t want to date any of the prospects.. eh.. I sort of drifted off of it. I met lots of really nice people but just didn’t find any prospects. I decided that I probably need to shoot for a play partner or FWB but kinky kind of situation. It seems like the safest way to have THAT would be to form a circle of friends or a kink family of sorts. Then I could play with prospects at the club with them around to be sure I was safe. I could support them this way too. I’m still working on that.. slowly slowly. It’s hard to show up to these things alone, where everyone knows each other, and to make myself go in and talk to people. I enjoy it, but it’s hard.
This conversation has me kind of waking up again to the slow background burn of this though. I want to explore this and have these kinds of fun experiences. I think maybe there’s another meet-up or munch coming up. Sigh.. maybe I’ll sack up and get my butt out there to meet people.
I’m musing.. just musing.