I’ve been thinking a lot this weekend about commitment. I planned to write a really tasty blog about the wonders of deep-dicking and the earth shattering orgasms I had, on this, my first full weekend with Great Date, but I realized I had nothing really to say about that except what I just said. Yeah yeah yeah.. we have a great time in bed together.
We had a bunch of cool talks, like we do. Hubby and Roller Girl took their first (whirlwind) trip together this weekend also. I’m surprised to find myself so ambivalent (in the true meaning of the term). I feel more than one thing…intensely.
I feel elated and loved, buoyant and blissed with Great Date. As usual, it was utterly amazing to spend time with him, and maybe more so because we had so much time and no pressure and no schedule. I also felt happy and excited for my husband and RollerGirl. They’re having a great time and it’s going very well.
I also feel sort of sad and a little insecure and suddenly terrified. It is a milestone where we are at. He’s having RollerGirl meet his disapproving sister. RolllerGirl talked about her difficulty with the idea of having him take off his wedding ring while he met her old friends so he wouldn’t make her look like a mess. (The old friends know about a recentish breakup and she doesn’t want to appear nuts by showing up with a married man and announcing that they’re polyamorous.) I told him to just take his ring off and I told her it was okay, but it isn’t really okay with me. After they left I kept thinking about this… about how wrong it is to pretend we are something we are not. If we have to take off our ring to go somewhere, we really shouldn’t go there. I understand RollerGirl’s reluctance to have her friends possibly judge her, and that’s why I said it was okay. But with hindsight this would be wrong. (Turns out she thought so too and it would have been a dealbreaker for her so he didn’t take it off. Thank God he’s dating her)
He’s not doing anything that I didn’t agree to. He’s not doing anything wrong. I agreed to all of it. In truth it’s not the trip at all. Even now I don’t really think I’m upset about that. I’m upset about RollerGirl meeting his sister. Even as I say it I’m thinking this is ridiculous, but it’s how I feel. We had her meet our kids. I had Great Date meet our kids. We met RollerGirl’s mother and aunt and it was great. So, I’m left asking myself why I think Hubby is not wrong, but I’m feeling insecurity and fear and dread. I am terrified of RollerGirl meeting his sister. I’m left thinking of commitment and insecurity and fear. Basically.. my early thoughts are that Hubby’s sister is his “big person”. More than his parents and more than anyone else… he confides in her and is concerned about her feelings. Her opinion really really matters to him. And, she’s always been a little disapproving of me. She’s perfectly nice in every way, but I get that she doesn’t really approve of me as a choice for Hubby. I wanted it to be me and Hubby who potentially talked to her about this, not Hubby and RollerGirl. I’m afraid the sister will meet RollerGirl and approve of her instead, and that RollerGirl will easily do what I can’t. I am afraid in a lot of ways that RollerGirl is replacing me. Some of this makes sense, but most of it doesn’t.
To be clear, I am not saying RollerGirl IS replacing me. I’m saying I’m afraid she is. I am afraid that Hubby and I won’t ever start having sex and kisses and sweetness again and that he won’t need me anymore because he has her so he won’t stop being a douche. I’m afraid this new leaf we just made and this fresh breakthrough won’t last. I’m afraid he’ll go back to being mean to me because he’s so fearful of his relationship with RollerGirl. He’ll keep blowing off dates and times to be spent with me. He won’t try to maintain and grow our relationship and I’ll lose both him and RollerGirl in the end. I’m afraid he’ll keep thinking I’d threaten his relationship with her. I’m afraid they’ll align against me and I will lose the people I love or that they won’t love me anymore. I’m afraid Great Date will be less happy with me one day and will just float away uncommitted. I’m afraid I will be….unloveable or that this love won’t last. And this I know harkens back to old old old insecure shit.
I’m afraid nobody will ever really love me in the end.. that everyone will find that I am too much and too little and lacking. I’m afraid because my mommy and daddy were flawed people who had problems of their own. Sometimes I’m okay with this because I know to rely on ME. I keep processing and processing more and more layers of this but I’m guessing I’ll never really be totally done. Happily, this time, I was able to see quickly that it was me. I talked calmly and rationally to Hubby about RollerGirl meeting his sister and told them to do it. I still don’t like it, but I know it’s me and I won’t let my insecurity keep him from a normal and natural thing. They are arriving at his sister’s house now and I’m going to go lose myself for a while in World of Warcraft and I’ll ask myself more tough questions later when I’m less emotional. It ain’t pretty, but it’s real and at least this once I’m handling it pretty damn well.
Eh.. what’re gonna do?