I distracted myself royally last night, playing hours and hours of WoW. I did such a good job of it I stepped on the feelings of Great Date inadvertently in fact. Thank God Great Date texted me this morning and brought it to my attention. He also made a little amends for punishing me with silence, and that really helped. I love stuff like that.. when you can just talk about what’s up and unravel it. It’s hard sometimes and I feel foolish afterwards voicing my feelings or asking for what I want or need (and he did too) but it is a healthy thing to just be clear and honest and be willing to negotiate and see the others viewpoint.
Last night after all the WoW’ing, Traveler asked if I wanted to talk on the phone. I did. I’m really coming to appreciate his level headed ability to listen and see others perspectives. I keep trying to make poly friends and keep having trouble doing so because the only people that seem to want to really talk or hang out have ulterior motives. (so not true.. but it feels that way some times)
Traveler helped me ask questions of myself and break it down. I’m still working on it a little, but it kinda boils down to this. My head is totally on board with where things are, but my heart is taking time to adjust. I crave stability in my relationships. I like to know where I stand and where you stand. I welcome this change, but it is a change and it’s left me feeling unbalanced. In order for them to get that close in only 6 months he’s had to pour a lot of time and attention and feeling into that and it’s left little for anything else, including work and school and his daughters and me. It’s natural that she’s all shiny and new, and she would never ask for that and he doesn’t mean to do that, but it’s what has happened. I just need a little time to adjust and a little help not feeling so neglected. And to be honest.. that’s not bad or wrong. I’ve put a lot of time and attention into my relationships too. We SHOULD nurture our new connections. But we need to be careful to nurture our established connections too. I’m not sure I’ll ask anything of him exactly, but maybe allowances as I adjust. The truth is his relationships should progress as he and his partners see fit. It’s not my relationship and I don’t have a say in what speed it travels at, but it’s also ok if I have feelings about that.
Last week on the way to the poly munch, we were talking about the proposed munch topic of “can you have more than one primary relationship?”, and we both thought we absolutely could. (Primary meaning someone who you can spend your life with, a larger committment, and a member of family). And he said, rather in passing “well honey, to be honest she’s already a primary”. I reacted and he recanted but it left me reeling. I expected that day, but not 6 months in.
I broke it down and broke it down. It does boil down to I’m afraid I am being replaced. I am afraid he doesn’t have it in him to sustain two relationships and it will cost me mine with him. I am afraid that by opening up I have paid the price of my relationship with him. I’m also afraid that it’s all too late. I can’t go back. I can’t. If he asked me to I would not be able to give up being open, even if I wasn’t in love with Great Date and caring greatly for Traveler. I didn’t know there was a word for it or that it was okay to be like me, but I could never climb back into that box that didn’t fit me. I also could not give up Great Date any more than Hubby could give up RollerGirl. He’d never ask that and I wouldn’t either.
I’m still breaking all of this down and I don’t have any answers yet really. I’m putting one foot in front of the other and trying to process and deal with my feelings and insecurities and trying to communicate honestly and openly. I’m trying not to hurt the people I love and making amends where needed. I’m not sure what else to do. Oh yeah.. breathe. It’s all going to be okay. Yeah.. that’s kinda the process