I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how I try in many ways to paint this rosy picture of my marriage. I feel a need to come clean. I didn’t do it before because I didn’t want to give a bad view of poly just because we were flawed and I didn’t want to malign Hubby. The God’s honest truth is that Hubby and I have been flawed for a long time. It’s true that most of our poly time we have been closer and better with each other.. but it’s also true that we’ve had dark times. Maybe saying this would help. Maybe it will make you feel not so alone. So I’m going to tell you the truth.
I love Hubby and he loves me. For most of our years together we’ve been very happy, which is amazing when you consider what we’ve been through. We’ve had three dead babies. We’ve had family stress. We’ve also moved 7 times in 12 years. We’ve spent a total of maybe 3-4 years apart. It’s been a rough road. He still makes me laugh and I still love his kisses. I value his opinion, maybe more than anyone on Earth, and I still love and desire and want him. With everything.. after all this time I’m still pretty damn crazy about him. But…
So, we opened up our marriage last year. It’s been both beautiful and tough for our marriage. I love that we communicate on a much deeper level sometimes. I love how much it’s forced me to deal with my stuff and grow, and forced us to look at our dynamic. We have some serious flaws. He has berated me into okaying pretty much anything he’s ever wanted. He’s said hurtful stuff and manipulated me with my shame and fear of abandonment. His latest one I tried to circumvent and just give in after a couple of months and he admitted he didn’t even really want it. Are you kidding me?!? You would manipulate my fears and weakness, yell at me, be mean, be angry, pester and poke and prod me for months and you don’t even really want it? Wow.
This isn’t a new thing, that Hubby wants what he wants and will roll over me to get it. He knows in the end that I will rarely stay angry and that I hate conflict and will cave when pushed hard enough, and so he pushes. It’s just an example of a break that already existed. It is in no way all him and I have my shit too. So, here’s the thing too. I’m developing a resentment.
Roller Girl is lovely, sweet, supportive, kind, wonderful, intelligent, kind and just.. amazing. I love her. I don’t exactly resent her, as much as I resent Hubby’s reaction with her. It is not her fault. It’s his. But yeah I’m starting to resent this wonderful woman.
Hubby and I are not having sex. We haven’t had sex since a threesome went bad and he spent about 3-4 weeks utterly hating and blaming me. Roller Girl he forgave immediately and was sweet to. He screamed in my face and has told me what a bitch I am and how I should go fuck myself many many times. He was verbally abusive and I didn’t recognize him. He’s never, ever, ever been like that before. He has never been so quick to anger or so mean. I plotted my escape. It’s only our long history of good that kept me there that long in the bad.
Things kind of came to a head a short while ago when I told him that I was afraid to come home sometimes. I didn’t know what I’d find. I never knew what would set him off. I missed his love. I missed spending time with him when he was himself. I told him that sometimes I hated him and I was so angry and hurt and that I thought that I’d traded my marriage and my love with him for all of this and I hated the price. He’d be abusive and then apologize, but nothing really changed. I told him that there was a limit to what I would endure and that I loved him, but I would not continue to be abused.
We had talks and talks and talks, and some work and some things got better. We’ve started snuggling sometimes. We have 2 dates where Roller Girl wasn’t on his phone or Facebook or whatever. (BTW… totally not her fault).
We still have a lot of work to do. Hubby has a lot of work to do. I’m scared and it’s not clear yet if I should be. He has mentioned a lot of reasons for why he doesn’t want to have sex with me now- because he is just so into Roller Girl right now that he can’t envision anyone else and he is “consumed by his desire for her”, because he feels like he is cheating on her with me, because he feels like he would be compared to my other lovers. He gets angry when we talk about our lack of sex and complains that it’s all that matters to me. It isn’t, but it is important and I’m tired of apologizing for wanting it. Those things that keep him from being sexual with me are important and need to be dealt with whether the actual sex is or not.
And here comes my current fear. We are slowly but surely improving and there is still a lot of good in our relationship, but I feel like he is not really willing to do the work necessary on us. I’ve asked and asked and asked for ONE NIGHT EACH WEEK that he is mine.. that I have a date with him. Roller Girl gets more days than that. He spends the days he isn’t with Rollergirl on text and facebook and such until he goes to bed and starts in again the moment he wakes. Roller Girl is super super supportive, but I can’t nail him down most weeks for one single day with me, and even then he doesn’t tell her and then responds to her messages because she’s had a hard day or whatever.
I don’t begrudge them their love, but I want some too. I’m happy for him and full of compersion and feel so lucky that the woman he’s fallen for is so amazing, but I’m resentful that there is little or nothing left for me. I worry he can’t love more than one woman. I still don’t know that we are going to make it and I don’t see him making any real strides to process his feelings about me or his own fears. He is trying in little ways, but not dealing with the core and it leaves me afraid.
He said the other day that he needs to deal with the worry of comparing himself to others because when Roller Girl dates he’s going to have the same problem with her that he has with me. Uh.. yeah.. you should definitely deal with that then.. God forbid you deal with it now, you know.. to save your marriage.
It’s hard to watch Hubby being patient and kind and supportive and sweet to her and deal with how he is with me. The other day when I cried over a patient hanging himself, Hubby sat next to me flipping a magazine. Literally. He was reading a magazine while I told him how my young patient died and I cried my eyes out. I couldn’t help thinking that he would have patted Roller Girl or held her or listened. I couldn’t help but wonder why I can’t have his love any more. When I think about it I begin to seethe with resentment.
I see reason to hope in our recent talks and snuggles and in his attempts to make amends. I see hope in our long history of love and our bond. I want to know that even though he loves her, he loves me too and I will keep asking for that. If you’re the praying type.. maybe throw one our way?
So there.. that’s the dark ugly stuff and my deepest fears and resentment. Not much fun.. but it’s true.