The bitter part of the truth

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how I try in many ways to paint this rosy picture of my marriage. I feel a need to come clean. I didn’t do it before because I didn’t want to give a bad view of poly just because we were flawed and I didn’t want to malign Hubby. The God’s honest truth is that Hubby and I have been flawed for a long time. It’s true that most of our poly time we have been closer and better with each other.. but it’s also true that we’ve had dark times. Maybe saying this would help. Maybe it will make you feel not so alone. So I’m going to tell you the truth.

I love Hubby and he loves me. For most of our years together we’ve been very happy, which is amazing when you consider what we’ve been through. We’ve had three dead babies. We’ve had family stress. We’ve also moved 7 times in 12 years. We’ve spent a total of maybe 3-4 years apart. It’s been a rough road. He still makes me laugh and I still love his kisses. I value his opinion, maybe more than anyone on Earth, and I still love and desire and want him. With everything.. after all this time I’m still pretty damn crazy about him. But…

So, we opened up our marriage last year. It’s been both beautiful and tough for our marriage. I love that we communicate on a much deeper level sometimes. I love how much it’s forced me to deal with my stuff and grow, and forced us to look at our dynamic. We have some serious flaws. He has berated me into okaying pretty much anything he’s ever wanted. He’s said hurtful stuff and manipulated me with my shame and fear of abandonment. His latest one I tried to circumvent and just give in after a couple of months and he admitted he didn’t even really want it. Are you kidding me?!? You would manipulate my fears and weakness, yell at me, be mean, be angry, pester and poke and prod me for months and you don’t even really want it? Wow.

This isn’t a new thing, that Hubby wants what he wants and will roll over me to get it. He knows in the end that I will rarely stay angry and that I hate conflict and will cave when pushed hard enough, and so he pushes. It’s just an example of a break that already existed. It is in no way all him and I have my shit too. So, here’s the thing too. I’m developing a resentment.

Roller Girl is lovely, sweet, supportive, kind, wonderful, intelligent, kind and just.. amazing. I love her. I don’t exactly resent her, as much as I resent Hubby’s reaction with her. It is not her fault. It’s his. But yeah I’m starting to resent this wonderful woman.

Hubby and I are not having sex. We haven’t had sex since a threesome went bad and he spent about 3-4 weeks utterly hating and blaming me. Roller Girl he forgave immediately and was sweet to. He screamed in my face and has told me what a bitch I am and how I should go fuck myself many many times. He was verbally abusive and I didn’t recognize him. He’s never, ever, ever been like that before. He has never been so quick to anger or so mean. I plotted my escape. It’s only our long history of good that kept me there that long in the bad.

Things kind of came to a head a short while ago when I told him that I was afraid to come home sometimes. I didn’t know what I’d find. I never knew what would set him off. I missed his love. I missed spending time with him when he was himself. I told him that sometimes I hated him and I was so angry and hurt and that I thought that I’d traded my marriage and my love with him for all of this and I hated the price. He’d be abusive and then apologize, but nothing really changed. I told him that there was a limit to what I would endure and that I loved him, but I would not continue to be abused.

We had talks and talks and talks, and some work and some things got better. We’ve started snuggling sometimes. We have 2 dates where Roller Girl wasn’t on his phone or Facebook or whatever. (BTW… totally not her fault).

We still have a lot of work to do. Hubby has a lot of work to do. I’m scared and it’s not clear yet if I should be. He has mentioned a lot of reasons for why he doesn’t want to have sex with me now- because he is just so into Roller Girl right now that he can’t envision anyone else and he is “consumed by his desire for her”, because he feels like he is cheating on her with me, because he feels like he would be compared to my other lovers. He gets angry when we talk about our lack of sex and complains that it’s all that matters to me. It isn’t, but it is important and I’m tired of apologizing for wanting it. Those things that keep him from being sexual with me are important and need to be dealt with whether the actual sex is or not.

And here comes my current fear. We are slowly but surely improving and there is still a lot of good in our relationship, but I feel like he is not really willing to do the work necessary on us. I’ve asked and asked and asked for ONE NIGHT EACH WEEK that he is mine.. that I have a date with him. Roller Girl gets more days than that. He spends the days he isn’t with Rollergirl on text and facebook and such until he goes to bed and starts in again the moment he wakes. Roller Girl is super super supportive, but I can’t nail him down most weeks for one single day with me, and even then he doesn’t tell her and then responds to her messages because she’s had a hard day or whatever.

I don’t begrudge them their love, but I want some too. I’m happy for him and full of compersion and feel so lucky that the woman he’s fallen for is so amazing, but I’m resentful that there is little or nothing left for me. I worry he can’t love more than one woman. I still don’t know that we are going to make it and I don’t see him making any real strides to process his feelings about me or his own fears. He is trying in little ways, but not dealing with the core and it leaves me afraid.

He said the other day that he needs to deal with the worry of comparing himself to others because when Roller Girl dates he’s going to have the same problem with her that he has with me. Uh.. yeah.. you should definitely deal with that then.. God forbid you deal with it now, you know.. to save your marriage.

It’s hard to watch Hubby being patient and kind and supportive and sweet to her and deal with how he is with me. The other day when I cried over a patient hanging himself, Hubby sat next to me flipping a magazine. Literally. He was reading a magazine while I told him how my young patient died and I cried my eyes out. I couldn’t help thinking that he would have patted Roller Girl or held her or listened. I couldn’t help but wonder why I can’t have his love any more. When I think about it I begin to seethe with resentment.

I see reason to hope in our recent talks and snuggles and in his attempts to make amends. I see hope in our long history of love and our bond. I want to know that even though he loves her, he loves me too and I will keep asking for that. If you’re the praying type.. maybe throw one our way?

So there.. that’s the dark ugly stuff and my deepest fears and resentment. Not much fun.. but it’s true.

28 Comments

  1. Sending thoughts to you my love!

    I am sorry you are hurting and that its hard.

    I just posted about my ugly truth on my blog also

    I feel like everyone see’s this super happy side of me and doesnt think my life has flaws, but it does, and I thought (also) that it was only fair to say them,

    Love to you and yours

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  2. Done, positive happy energy coming your way….Well strength to endure whatever you are forced to endure is sent your way..I like to think it was all happy but that is not real life. now strength, that is real.Thank You for sharing…If you ever need to talk I am a good listener when I shut up!!

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  3. My heart goes out to you. It’s hard to face our darknesses. I’m struggling with loving two men at once, feeling more guilt than I expected. And my soul seriously caves in thinking of the struggles and pain you’ve been going through. I hope for ease and joy for you soon.

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  4. Thank you for sharing the other side with us. This must have been hard to write and even more so to publish. I admire your courage to acknowledge that there is another side to the story. I hope that you work through these problems to get the happiness you deserve.

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  5. Thanks so much for “coming out” about the challenges and struggles you are facing.

    I’m looking forward to sharing this with my GF – there are parts of your story that will resonate with hers, and I know she will take some comfort in feeling not quite as alone in charting these waters.

    I have to say the flipping thru a magazine while talking about your patient’s suicide is kind of unforgiveable.

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  6. The only predictable thing about human behavior is its unpredictability, I think. It sounds like there’s a lot going on. I remember similar struggles when my ex husband and I attempted to open up our marriage. Many of the married poly couples I know have gone through some form of counseling or coaching to get clear with one another and create guidelines to help them through the tricky things.
    As much as many bemoan the idea of a poly-heirarchy, I think there is something to be said for honoring the gravity of commitments you have made. And if that isn’t what feels natural any more, then reexamine those commitments. Out of the five married and poly couples I know really well, only two have regular sex lives with one another. It isn’t unusual for our sexual desires to change. What keeps the non-sexual couples together, I’ve observed, is their friendship, communication, and common goals.

    Big hugs to you lady!

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    • I think the counseling idea is a good one, and I’m glad to know others have had these growing pains. I know the post comes off as very very grave, and it is. It’s pretty much all the dark stuff all written out.
      I am with you that I don’t really follow hierarchies, but I do honor my commitments. My partners are very important to me and would come before new associations in some things, within reason and of course respecting other humans too. The feelings and needs of the people I love are important to me. I’m not saying I would honor any request, but I would listen to any request and do try to be sensitive to the needs and feelings of my loved ones.
      It keeps coming up in our talks that we both want to be here and we both love each other, and I think we are still very committed and we are making good progress. It’s just, writing that post, I was feeling all the dark things and wanted to share them. It’s not an accurate view of the whole picture, but a view of the dark stuff and my fears. I just felt like I have been glossing over it and it felt better just to say it, acknowledge it and face it.
      I really do like the counseling idea…
      and thank you for the hugs. πŸ™‚

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  7. Pingback: Living In Limbo | The Corruption

  8. Hon, you should have told me. You mentioned it, but you didn’t say how bad it was or how afraid you were. You didn’t have to deal with this alone; that’s what friends are for. Believe you me, we are discussing this further, young lady. ❀

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    • I should clarify I wasn’t afraid.. as in afraid I would get physically abused. I was more afraid of the conflict or the verbal stuff. My husband has never been physically abusive or threatening. The fact that he was being verbally abusive was WAY out of character and honestly took me so by surprise it took me a little while to even get what was happening.
      That and I didn’t much talk about some of this because I think I thought it would just go away like it came, and that maybe I was reading too much into things or being jealous.

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  9. Dear, dear SPC. I had to sit with this for a bit before responding. First, my heart truly aches for you. How painful to be treated in a way that is so diminishing. And being yelled at and ignored has no regular place in a healthy loving relationship. I think that this is the time to bring a therapist in to the picture if only so you know you are being heard by someone, because it does not seem hubbub is listening. I also find it s interesting that one of your reasons for not saying something sooner is that “you didn’t want to give a bad view of poly”.

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