okay.. I recently wrote a blog with every dark thing and fear I have about my marriage in the last couple of months and I fear I may have inadvertently made my husband sound like a class A one-dimensional douche bag. I was pretty much venting in an unfiltered way every dark moment and every bad thing that’s happened.
I need to clarify that i am not scared of my husband and never was. When I said I’d been briefly scared to come home I meant that I didn’t want to argue or have him being angry or mistreat me with words. I was scared of how awful things would be between us and how that would feel, not that he’d physically hurt me. He has never, ever, in any way threatened or leaned toward physical violence. He is not a violent or abusive or mean person by nature. In the 12 years we have been married this period of time was the one and only time he’s ever yelled in my face or told me to fuck myself or really treated me anything but well. He is a kind, gentle, generous, loving person I have been mostly happy with for over a decade. That’s why this was soooo shocking and so hurtful. It’s completely out of character.
Don’t get me wrong. It’s totally not ok. It is NEVER okay to treat a partner that way.
It just took me a little while to even recognize it because it’s just soooo.. wrong. I was in shock. When I realized it was abusive and not ok, I realized I didn’t have to put up with it and I talked to him. I told him it was abusive and how I felt and how scared I was. I said that in the blog, but I may have accidentally buried it in my listing of offenses. He agreed it was abusive and that it wasn’t okay to just act like that and apologize. Since that talk he has not done it. He IS trying to make amends. It’s just that.. well.. I had to get it out and say it happened, and with all the other stuff.. it felt so raw. It hurts that it could have occurred at all. You know?
We are making steps and I did say we were, and he is working on it as I am too. It’s just that.. well… I’m not sure it’s going to work and that scares me. I can’t imagine what it would be like to lose this relationship.. to the man I’ve lived in 7 states in 12 years with. He is my only real family. He is my best friend. It’s always been Seattle Poly Chick and Hubby against the world. I’m afraid and sad and angry.
I don’t want any of this to have happened and I don’t like feeling replaced. I don’t like that my marriage could actually be in jeopardy or that it would be because Hubby loved someone “more” or loved them only. I couldn’t have fathomed a time Hubby acted so poorly and couldn’t fathom he’d ever replace me, much less so easily.
I’m not making excuses to say that he is struggling too and that all of this is new to him too. He isn’t great at processing emotion, but he better fucking learn. I made a llist of poly friendly counselors in our area and will pick a good day for both of us and call. I am not going down without a fight.
I’m sorry I made him sound like an ogre. He did behave totally atrociously, and we do have to deal with it. But I need you to know too that I love him, and with good reason. I have never been the type that would tolerate or condone abuse. Emotional and verbal abuse is abuse and it’s very clear that I will not stay and put up with that. Thank you so much for caring. I love it and need it and it’s absolutely amazing. I’m so grateful. Thank you.