I’m amazed at my ability to feel multiple things at once.
I’m feeling still very very very horny. I just feel.. languid, luxuriant, turgid. I feel swollen and sensuous. I have a date tonight with Great Date and I just want to wrestle him to the floor, attack him, strip him, and ride ride ride him. I want to grind and kiss and stroke and just.. swallow him. My fingers want him. My lips want him. My eyes want him. My sense of smell and taste and touch want him. My skin needs him. I need his throaty growl. I want to reach deep within him and pull out the bull.
Meanwhile.. on a higher plane. Oh, screw that. Sex isn’t low. It’s lovely. On a different plane, I am in that unique position where someone you love is struggling with something that I am certain will really will all work and be not just fine, but wonderful. But the rub is that no words can express this strongly enough for that belief to reach them. I want to peel back my skull and show them inside my mind.. just for 5 minutes. Show them proof. Share the journey and the experience and the certainty based on fact. It isn’t what they think. It’s wonderful and it’s a bright beginning of much more of what they want, even if they can’t see it. It is more peace and more serenity and more fun. It looks like the end and it looks like the only thing that works is being taken away. Of course it needs to go because it doesn’t work. In fact it hurts. But I can’t do it..no matter how many times I’ve been here. The good thing is that they are going to be fine, whether they believe it or not.
God I ache to just… fuck.
I want to go out tonight with Great Date and lust after all the pretty girls, and be pervy pervy patrons. I want to see how he’d feel about fucking one of those girls with me, or fucking her if I was playing with her man. I want to share scenes of what we’d do to them and then rush home to fuck some more.
I’m also sad at another conflict with Hubby. I’m so sad and exhausted about that. He was angry at me again last night for things I had nothing to do with, and didn’t calm even when I fixed it for him. It didn’t last super long and I didn’t really take it on, but it hurt. He apologized, but I’m really getting past the point where his apologies mean much. He’s angry at me for things I do and things Roller Girl does, and things he just thinks. He assumes the worst of me.. pretty much every time and I’m just so tired of being maligned. I’m just tired.
Today we had some white trash problems. Hubby has been talking to his ex, who was his wife’s best friend and who he cheated-lite on his wife with for years, before finally filing divorce and consummating the thing. The ex then cheated on Hubby and broke his heart. The ex is married to one guy and dating another guy, and has a new baby with a different guy (she has SEVEN babies from 5 Dads). She is planning a trip here (that he initially lied to me about) and he has admitted he doesn’t trust himself with her but says he doesn’t want to date her because he agrees she’s unethical. He will not agree not to see her and insists he is in contact for friendship. Uh.. yeah.. right.
He asked me if she sent me the message she sent me on Facebook a few weeks ago, trying to start shit I think, because he finally asked her if she sent it and she’d denied it. He just believed her when she said she didn’t send it. He asked me if I lied about it and then surmised that maybe her boyfriend had sent it (which is actually a possibility).
Um.. what? I’ve never been dishonest like that. I don’t play games and never did. Even he admits I don’t lie. I don’t lie. I don’t pull stupid crap like his ex and have never been one for games, but well.. if she said she didn’t send it, she must not have sent it, right? Should definitely believe the lying cheating ex and assume your honest wife lied. Exactly how I knew all the stuff in it that he had never told me, though he should have, I have no idea. What the hell? Now I’m in trouble not only for shit I do, but shit she does, and shit SHE does?!? Well. Kiss my grits. I’m mad, but I’m mostly sad that my husband knows me so little. I asked him about this.. why he believes such evil of me in this and other situations and he says he doesn’t. How else am I suppose to take the assumption that she is being honest and the question of if I’m lying?
Guess I’ll broach the subject of my casual sex plans at another time. Hubby’s not gonna be super receptive right now. We worked it out since he thinks the boyfriend sent the message, but I’m not liking what him assuming I’m a lying game player is making me feel.
Speaking of casual and casual-ish sex plans… I want to hit a club. I think the one in Portland sounds fun. I think I need an outfit, some talks with my partners, and some prep with Great Date. I’m thinking of firing up the old adult friend finder. Delicious. Delicious.