I had a date last night with Hubby following up on days of fighting. I spent the mid-morning sitting in my car neither going in to work nor driving home because I looked like Alice Cooper and I wanted to pack my bags. I also thought I might burn my house down with me in it. It was that kind of morning. (and no… I wouldn’t REALLY do that)
Long story shorter.. fight fight fight all night. Me crying on closet floor at one point. The big D word strewn about a little, and me resigned finally that we were in fact over.
Then taking it back.
Then falling asleep miserable.
Talking half the night in my sleep.
Waking more rested and thinking maybe I was being a drama queen and it wasn’t actually THAT BAD.
Then Hubby yelling and angry, throwing up his arms, stalking about, slamming things and just generally being a gigantic pain in my fucking ass all morning long. I stayed in bed until noon to avoid offsetting him and still managed to do a pretty good job as he got mad at me for bills, for his not knowing when his date started, and once asking him if he was okay.
I spent time mourning my marriage and thinking of what we are and were and how long it’s actually been since we were that. I was thinking about my fear of impermanence, of letting go of this marriage and my fear that this is letting go of my last bit of belonging to anyone or anything. This is my last family. I have no other.
But here’s the thing. Part of what I’m mourning something that doesn’t really exist and maybe hasn’t for a long time.
It may be true that we were with each other thick and thin. No. We were. But we haven’t been for a long time. I thought of the times I needed him and he wasn’t there. My recent motorcycle accident comes to mind.. when he wasn’t just not kind.. he was actively unkind. He’s not an ogre and he certainly isn’t all bad, but he’s been playing that guy a lot on TV lately.
I’m not afraid of living alone or being alone, as in “can’t get a date”. I love living alone and have done it a lot, even married, as he went to sea for 6 months at a time or more, or the year and 4 months we were stationed separately. I like my own space. That’s the one part of this that is kinda nice or exciting. I love the idea of my very own place or at least my very own space.
I mean that I am afraid of not having people that really care about me and that I care about when it’s thin. I have no shortage of ability to get dates. There is of course my wonderful boyfriend Great Date, who I love and who loves me and who fulfills so many needs and desires. There is also Traveler, who recently began calling me his girlfriend and I suppose is my boyfriend of sorts. I posted an adult friend finder ad and have had 513 emails and hot-lists and probably 50 solid offers of “for a good time call” in a two and a half day period. I still get about 3-5 messages from actually interested parties in dating me every week on OK Cupid and a number of people just trolling and I don’t do anything to that site any more. I have a few flirtations and a few VERY interesting prospects.
I did start worrying about bigger picture stuff though. I began to worry about that fear.. of not having someone in the thick and thin.. in the not-sexy times, for more of the long haul. It might be better if I didn’t need people, but I do.
Then I had another realization.. I don’t actually know that any of this is even happening yet. I am not certainly getting a divorce. We didn’t even start counseling yet. Sure, he doesn’t want to go on our scheduled day because there is a monthly kink munch he’d like to hit, and that’s not wonderful.. but I don’t know for sure that any of this is happening.
What I do know in any or all of this is right now. I know that right now I have friends and people that care about me that will be there when I need them. I have a husband I’m having some pretty bad times with, and I don’t know if they will end because we fix them or if they end because I can’t be the only one trying. I know that right now I have good health and a good job and I’m whole and complete in myself. I am totally okay on my own and I have the support I crave. It’s comforting to think of now. It’s useful to think of now. Right now I’m actually okay. I’m gonna stick to the now.