The Pussy Palace

The light at the end of the tunnel may very well be a train.  I know.. trite.

If you read this you know that Hubby and I are at an impasse.  We’ve been up and down and around and mostly on our way to crashing and burning.  We had our first counseling session yesterday and it’s left me… dreading.

On the way to the counselors, Hubby said very forcefully, and clarified a bunch of times “I am not poly.  I don’t want to be poly.  I think we need to end it.”

He’s upset that Roller Girl may move to Oregon, and scared.  He’s hurting and sad and full of fear.  I asked him “do you really want to break up with Roller Girl?”.  He said that he doesn’t, but that he doesn’t think he is poly and he feels “I am going to get hurt in all of this, and I don’t want to do it anymore”.  He asked me why we couldn’t just go back.. just let it be us and nobody else and just be like everything was before.  I just knew, *knew*, that he meant before he loved Roller Girl and could be hurt by her, scared of her leaving, or feeling this fear.  He made the point that he’s been an asshole for months, and that he’s treated me badly as he’s fallen in love with Roller Girl, and that he is consumed by his passion for her and that this is why he feels he can’t do poly.  He said he wouldn’t want to go through this again.  He said I dragged him into this because he was “not enough”, and that he wants to end the whole experiment.

I didn’t get pissed and shout that this isn’t an experiment because I could hear very clearly the pain and fear and sadness in his rant.  We talked more and he calmed on the way to the therapist.  As we sat in her lobby, he was calmer and said “I don’t know what to do, but I don’t think I can do this.  I’m not poly honey”.  I asked him how he could say that when he loved me and RollerGirl, when he is talking up his ex, wanted to sleep with our friend in D.C, and sent a couple messages to girls on OKC in the last week.  I asked a bunch of questions about how he could say he wasn’t poly and I tried to talk him out of it, reason him out of it.  I couldn’t.  He made a calm and reasoned case.

We went to the doc and she was smart and capable and pretty down to earth.  She said that this stuff we are talking about is pretty common.  Like us, she saw us as having two separate issues -A) the way we communicate and treat each other, and B) my husband’s current feeling he is not poly with his current relationship struggles.

She talked about not deciding about this poly stuff until we figured out a few things and worked on our communication.  We left with Hubby feeling light-years better and me feeling dread.  I’m glad we can work on our communication and our relationship, and I’m glad that we might have more peace.  But I dread when Hubby realizes, very soon I imagine, that even though he said it in pure fear and panic, he’s right.  He isn’t poly.

It’s totally NOT Roller Girl’s fault, but as he fell in love with her he pulled away from and ostracized me.  He worked out his difficulty with fucking her because it made him feel like cheating on me by transferring his loyalty to her and no longer fucking me.  This would have all been a huge train wreck a lot sooner had he been with someone less supportive and amazing than Roller Girl.

Contrary to Hubby’s claims, I did NOT push him into polyamory.  I talked to him about my coworker being poly.  I did have a flirtation with this coworker, and he became the first person I dated, Kinky Boy.  Hubby and I read things and talked over the course of a few weeks.  We got honest about some things and realized we’d both been in love with a woman that had been in love with us, and all been too scared and never honest enough to act on it.  We went to Kinky Boy’s house for a poly BBQ, because we were both curious and we’d begun talking about opening up.  Hubby met Roller Girl, who mentioned her love of sailors and her “I love Sailors” panties and that was it.  We decided to open up and I got him Roller Girl’s phone number.  We both went into  it eyes open and in agreement.

Here’s the problem though.  I AM poly and I think Hubby is BEING poly.  When he said he wasn’t poly in the car, even in pain and fear, I had a sinking feeling but I know he’s just saying it, but I think he is actually right.

He kept saying he was bad at poly and can’t do it, and that’s true.  I think he could be better at it though.  And when I told him if he wasn’t poly that he could just not be poly,  he could never be with me if I was poly without him.

Leaving the doctor’s office, with him buoyant and hopeful, I still felt creeping dread.

Hubby is being poly and I am poly.  He may choose to not be poly, but I can’t.  I won’t.  When I found this I found home.  This was exactly the same to me as when I came out as gay.  This is who I am.  I am not monogamous and I never was.  I was mostly happy in my monogamous marriage and my monogamous life, but I had lots of rules to avoid attractions and lived in fear of developing them.  (I had fought hard and still had two absolutely Earth shaking attractions and loves in my marriage, one of which I nearly committed suicide over).  I thought I was damaged or that all my years as a slut before I got married had messed me up.  I thought I was an irredeemable human being.  I thought I was just…broken.

I accepted this brokenness about myself as my lot.  I lived a pretty happy existence anyway.

When I opened up though.. something really did break.  It felt like shackles falling, and I don’t mean the shackles that keep you from fucking other people.  I was really and truly freer than I had ever been.  I opened up.  I opened up my heart and my mind.  I opened up my sensuality and my libido.  I opened up my life.  I was not an asshole for being me.  I was not an asshole for wanting and loving and craving and being attracted.  I actually talked to people who felt just like I had, and not because they are afraid of commitment or just wanting to bone everything.. though sometimes I feel that too.  I could be a good person and live openly.  I came out to everyone that matters and a few that don’t.  This is who I AM and I am never never never going back.

You can’t put the genie back in the bottle.  You just can’t.

So, if he asks that of me, really needs me to close up again, that will be a hill I die on.  I would never leave Hubby for another love and want to be married to him for the rest of my life, but I won’t be someone I’m not for anyone.  I couldn’t even if I wanted to.

I have been too honest now.  I have told Hubby of those times I’ve struggled and been honest about how free I am now, and how much this IS me.  He would always know I evading and lying and living half.  How could he trust that?  How could you actually ask that of someone you loved?  Who would even want someone they actually loved to do that?

It will be the end if he decides it.  I hope our counseling works fast.. fast enough to work before Roller Girl drives off and fast enough before the difficult idea of losing Roller Girl is just to much and he breaks it off or honestly demands I do.  I will not dump people I love, even for him.  I will not live falsely.  I will not shut myself off again.  Never again.  I know what it feels like to be me again and I will never give that up.

brothelIf push comes to shove, I’m moving to capitol hill.  Naughty Blogger Girl (aka Mushy) and I joked about getting a place while her hubby throws out ultimatums too.  We’d call it the Pussy Palace.

14 Comments

  1. I hit “like” even though I don’t like what is happening in your life now. I do, however, like the fact that you and hubby are working on things – even if it leads somewhere you don’t want to go. I really, really, hope it doesn’t go towards Pussy Palace, no matter how awesome that sounds. For you and I. Life would be so much easier if it weren’t for all the people. And of course it would have been terribly boring.

    But you know what, most everything will be fine, no matter what happens. You will be fine because you know who you are now, and that’s no small feat. Knowing who you are, and accepting that, and loving that, is to me the most important thing. If I love me for exactly who I am, everything else will follow and work itself out. Really. I don’t mean this in a Polyanna kind of way where I’m blind to the difficulties and challenges of living, but in an unwavering faith in things working out.

    You are awesome! You rock! And I could write all sorts of naughty things here – but then I’ll just soil your post…. 😉

    Like

  2. It’s all very interesting to me when people talk about being poly as though its an orientation. To me its a choice, so maybe in that sense I am more like your hubby. If I have feelings for someone and am into them, monogamy actually comes quite easily to me and I have to push myself to have sex with others. When I have feelings for someone new I tend to shut off those that I am already involved with, if somewhat inadvertently. I can still have sex with others but I have to make a conscious decision to do so.

    Your hubby sounds very much like he is still in NRE and is someone who doesn’t realize that those feelings really are temporary ones, that will fade off eventually, whether he is monogamous or not. To me that is the biggest realization in why I choose not to be monogamous. I know eventually I will get bored and have a hard time staying monogamous, even though while I’m deep in those new feelings my natural inclination is to give into them and shut off all other possibilities.

    I also realize that I have a handful of guys I am involved with now and a couple of them I really don’t want to give up, even though I’m not madly in love with them. I enjoy the sex and the experiences with them and they are different from what I have with the Professor and like you said the genie is out of the bottle. I don’t want to try and cram him back in because I know there is so much fun to be had after rubbing the lamp ;).

    I sense that your husband is panicking due to the coming abandonment and not knowing if he will be able to find something similar with yet another woman in the future. For men, finding women to play with is really a lot harder than it is for women so finding someone they connect with is even harder. He probably fears that you will continue to have a blast and he will be left heartbroken in the cold, watching from the sidelines.

    I am interested in what your counselor actually thinks about being poly. Around here I have my doubts there are any that would be truly supportive.

    Like

  3. I can totally relate. I AM poly. While my current partners are definitely poly-inclined, I briefly dated a wonderful guy recently who was not. He was BEING poly for me, and though his long-term girlfriend is poly, he realized he just couldn’t handle it. It really is sad when mono/poly clash, but no matter what happens down the line, I will hold fast to the fact that I AM POLY and I won’t ever settle for monogamy.

    Like

  4. Great post, SeattlePolyChick. I like what you said about how you “can’t put the genie back in the bottle.” I think every poly couple has moments where one person feels more “poly” than the other, or where on person needs it more than the other. I hope you and your husband can get things resolved. I believe in the old saying, “how do you keep the one you love? Set them free.”

    Like

  5. Pingback: I AM Poly | Poly Aphrodite

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