I’m not going to rehash any arguments, but I am talking about the things I learned from recent strife. I have wanted to blog but been reluctant to do so. I’ve been writing a lot to learn. I’m sorry I’ve buried you all in emo blogs lately.
I don’t want to rehash a bit of it, but let’s just say I almost lost two relationships in the span of less than a week. I cried about a soda can of tears yesterday and I’m left emotionally hung over and reeling. No one broke up, but I’m left heartbroken. I used to be a tough girl.
I think I have something real and intimate and precious with the people I love, and that we are precious to each other. I find that I’m very hurt by their actions and attitudes when they are angry or hurt or confused. We all get frustrated and we all act in ways we aren’t proud of. I was certainly NOT blameless in any of the discord I have experienced recently. One part of it was them reacting to how I had hurt THEM. I am making amends and growing, and I’m grateful for that, if nothing else, even if it feels like shit. But, and I just am hurting a little with this; I am surprised at the level of resentment and anger, hatred and fear those I love carry for me. I’m honestly shocked that people that are this intimate with me could believe pretty evil things about me. I can’t seem to shake it. How could they be so upset that they literally don’t care if we are together or not… that they can say it? How can a person that really knows me be afraid to talk to me, even when they are upset?
Virtually everything I know was turned on its head.
I could not talk or reason with them or even really understand it for a while because everything they knew about me had been turned on its head for them too and they were afraid to talk to me, and afraid I would hurt them. My loved one was afraid I would hurt them. They couldn’t trust me enough to talk to me, and I seemed that dangerous.
I have gotten to a place with my inner circle that I really trust them. I have opened my heart and let go of most of my tough girl defenses. I tell the people I love that I love them often because I feel it bubble up a lot. I love them so much. It was a weird thing to be in a bad place simultaneously with the two men I have been the most honest and most real and most defenseless with in my life. I’m bricking it up as fast as I can, but the tidal wave is just pouring over my fledgling wall. Why did I allow myself to get this defenseless? How could I let my love break me? How could I be so un-careful and thoughtless to them too and cause this damage?
I think things are calming, and I’m really happy about that, but I’m processing. My old tapes are alive and making friends, and you know.. I’m finding maybe they aren’t that wrong. Hubby was trying to soothe me and help me understand and said “You are really a lot to take honey.. you are sometimes just too much, I mean really.. sex! You have these experiences and history with sex and talk about all this stuff, are married and dating two guys, and now you want to have casual partners.. you can’t seriously expect that ANY guy would be okay all that”. You know.. I think it sounds mean, but if we’re doing the total honesty thing, he’s right. I AM a bit much. I have been afraid of versions of this my whole life but this is true. I used to get yelled at for laughing too loud and too much. I was always talking too much. I was just too much.
I was thinking that I can tell someone everything about something when they say I can, but I can’t. No, actually I can, but I will have to accept the consequences. I will do that. I want and need to have honest and open communication so I’m just doing to have to be okay with getting abandoned because I really am too much. I have to be as honest as I can be, but I also have to understand that this is simply going to make it really hard to be loved. We can wring our hands all we want at the unfairness, but it’s true. I honestly am way too fucking much. I know it’s a fear of mine, but you know.. sometimes our fears ARE honest.
I wish it wasn’t true. I wish I was easy and sweet sometimes. I wish satisfied meant the same thing to me that it does to others. I wish that the things I want or need didn’t make it so damn hard to love me, but my mom used to say “if wishes were riches, beggars would ride”.
I need to be vigilant and thorough, and I’m seeing that I have a lot to fix.