Turns Out I Really Am Too Much

I’m not going to rehash any arguments, but I am talking about the things I learned from recent strife.  I have wanted to blog but been reluctant to do so.  I’ve been writing a lot to learn.  I’m sorry I’ve buried you all in emo blogs lately.

I don’t want to rehash a bit of it, but let’s just say I almost lost two relationships in the span of less than a week.  I cried about a soda can of tears yesterday and I’m left emotionally hung over and reeling.  No one broke up, but I’m left heartbroken.  I used to be a tough girl.

I think I have something real and intimate and precious with the people I love, and that we are precious to each other.  I find that I’m very hurt by their actions and attitudes when they are angry or hurt or confused.  We all get frustrated and we all act in ways we aren’t proud of.  I was certainly NOT blameless in any of the discord I have experienced recently.  One part of it was them reacting to how I had hurt THEM.  I am making amends and growing, and I’m grateful for that, if nothing else, even if it feels like shit.  But, and I just am hurting a little with this; I am surprised at the level of resentment and anger, hatred and fear those I love carry for me.  I’m honestly shocked that people that are this intimate with me could believe pretty evil things about me.  I can’t seem to shake it.  How could they be so upset that they literally don’t care if we are together or not… that they can say it?  How can a person that really knows me be afraid to talk to me, even when they are upset?

Virtually everything I know was turned on its head.

I could not talk or reason with them or even really understand it for a while because everything they knew about me had been turned on its head for them too and they were afraid to talk to me, and afraid I would hurt them.  My loved one was afraid I would hurt them.  They couldn’t trust me enough to talk to me, and I seemed that dangerous.

I have gotten to a place with my inner circle that I really trust them.  I have opened my heart and let go of most of my tough girl defenses.  I tell the people I love that I love them often because I feel it bubble up a lot.  I love them so much.  It was a weird thing to be in a bad place simultaneously with the two men I have been the most honest and most real and most defenseless with in my life.  I’m bricking it up as fast as I can, but the tidal wave is just pouring over my fledgling wall.  Why did I allow myself to get this defenseless?  How could I let my love break me?  How could I be so un-careful and thoughtless to them too and cause this damage?

I think things are calming, and I’m really happy about that, but I’m processing.  My old tapes are alive and making friends, and you know.. I’m finding maybe they aren’t that wrong.  Hubby was trying to soothe me and help me understand and said “You are really a lot to take honey.. you are sometimes just too much, I mean really.. sex!  You  have these experiences and history with sex and talk about all this stuff, are married and dating two guys, and now you want to have casual partners.. you can’t seriously expect that ANY guy would be okay all that”.  You know.. I think it sounds mean, but if we’re doing the total honesty thing, he’s right.  I AM a bit much.  I have been afraid of versions of this my whole life but this is true.  I used to get yelled at for laughing too loud and too much.  I was always talking too much.  I was just too much.

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I was thinking that I can tell someone everything about something when they say I can, but I can’t.  No, actually I can, but I will have to accept the consequences.  I will do that.  I want and need to have honest and open communication so I’m just doing to have to be okay with getting abandoned because I really am too much.  I have to be as honest as I can be, but I also have to understand that this is simply going to make it really hard to be loved.  We can wring our hands all we want at the unfairness, but it’s true.  I honestly am way too fucking much.  I know it’s a fear of mine, but you know.. sometimes our fears ARE honest.

I wish it wasn’t true.  I  wish I was easy and sweet sometimes.  I wish satisfied meant the same thing to me that it does to others.  I wish that the things I want or need didn’t make it so damn hard to love me, but my mom used to say “if wishes were riches, beggars would ride”.

I need to be vigilant and thorough, and I’m seeing that I have a lot to fix.

11 Comments

  1. Hrmmm. I didn’t want to click “Like” because I disagree so strongly.

    I won’t rehash either, but… how could you have missed so thoroughly my opinion of what you and I quarreled about? Hubby… well hubby is hubby, not me. He may think you are too much; I don’t. You are a lot. You are a whole woman, with a healthy appetite for sex and love and play. That doesn’t make me want to run, and never has, and never will. If I have issues with your sexual appetites, that’s just what they are — my issues. If I’m too scared or too weak to handle you wanting or fucking other men or other women, that’s my failing and my loss. I can’t say it won’t happen, since I can’t predict the future, but regardless of what happens it’s my issue or my strength, not yours.

    You are not “too much,” lover, and you never have been and never will be. I can’t say all your old tapes and scripts are wrong, because I don’t know them all. I’m not in your head. But THIS one is just flat out wrong, and it was put there by some very hurtful people. I hope you don’t keep feeding it…

    Like

    • Ok.. I forgot this for a minute, but luckily my loves reminded me. I am not “too much”, and neither are you. It’s too bad that there was something wrong with our mothers, who found being mothers or mothering us to be “too much”. It’s sad because it made us feel that there was something wrong with us when there isn’t. Maybe our mom’s weren’t ready or were stressed or had difficulties of their own.. but for whatever reason they said these hurtful and untrue things to us and we accepted them as fact because we were little girls and little girls believe everything mom says.. even hurtful and untrue things. Had our mothers been better they would have said something like “while you are a good kid and there is nothing wrong with you, I’m unable to stay or have to leave or whatever the hell it is I’m doing because of ME. I have this situation or this flaw, but I want you to know that I love you and this isn’t your fault”. It still would have been hard, but you know.. more true.
      I do have to be an independent person, and I need to work on my own stuff and my own issues and my own emotions. Nobody can make me happy but me. But I am not “too much” because I’m not easy and simple and flawless every second of every day. I am a real and whole person with strengths and defects, abilities and flaws and none of that is “too much”. I am like everyone else.. no more and no less. I am not “too much” for being human, and neither are you. And the sex thing.. well.. fuck them. Who says what the right amount is? If I am a sex addict, tapping everything to my detriment, then sure I need to get help. But if I just like sex and like having it, and I am respectful in the ways I seek it.. then fuck them. Some people like more and some people like less. I am just the right amount for me.

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  2. “our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure.”

    Though we haven’t met in person yet, from what I know of you, you are a total “Goddess” and that kind of self assuredness can be incredibly intimidating for some people. It’s okay to step into it and be comfortable in your own skin.

    Also- where the heck did you find that disturbing body builder photo??? Yikes!!!!!!

    Like

  3. I like that what polysingleish said…and you are so right….as little girls we do believe everything our mothers say and this still rings in our heads when we are adults even know we know better it has a way of creeping in and mind fucking us…I love fucking but i hate being mind fucked….even in death my mother tries to mind fuck me. My mother had a lot of issues and some of those were bestowed a pond me. I can see that now. I can’t always stop the old tapes from playing in my head, but I can turn it off and not allow it to continued on and on. For me this is huge…I stay out of my head as much as possible and only go there when I need to check myself which is something we all have to do but then I am out of there…Life is to short to be anything but happy and we are the only ones who can make ourselves happy…
    By the way you Rock seattlepolychick and nice ass…:)

    Like

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