This one is kinda.. well.. squirrely. I talk about my skittish hope with Great Date, being grateful for Roller Girl, getting a little too mushy with Traveler, and just admitting I have no idea what the fuck to do with Hubby.
I like to think I’m a positive person. I am generally in a good mood. I realize though that my hope is like a timid squirrel. I cautiously approach, jump back, tiptoe up, scamper and just generally.. freak at some things. Mushy things are the worst. Love. The hope that I won’t get hurt.
I very recently got to the point in my relationship with Great Date that I’m talking about a future without it being so convoluted I’m barely saying anything. Usually I’d say the tiniest future dreaming things and then rush to say “don’t worry I’m not meaning you.. I mean.. not that you’d be here, but you know… maybe you will? Because it’s not that you couldn’t be there. I mean.. I’d like it if you were. Or not. I’m cool either way. Um.. How about some pasta?”
But lately.. well.. lately I’d begun to see the possibility that it might be okay to have these dreams with Great Date. He actually might be there. I could picture us taking welding classes and traveling and celebrating things. I could see talking with him over morning coffee because we live in close proximity some day. I had been starting to see this as very real potential. I had just started to really trust. We’d shared a few things I’ve never shared and I loved the glow of his acceptance and love. My little squirrel was no longer so skittish.
Then.. last week I felt rocked. It seemed so damn tenuous. I saw all of it just gone. I felt hopeless and heartbroken at not being able to see how any of it could resolve. It felt so inevitable that I would never do all the things Great Date and I are planning. Thank God there has been movement. Growth and redemption seems possible. I hate that my timid squirrel dance is back, and I miss the feeling of growing suredness that we had, but I am hoping he’ll do the work and follow through. I have hope we can grow back there. I am very cautious, but I believe. I spent a good deal of time with him this weekend, loving him and treasuring our connection, hearing his plans. He has a good plan and is seeking action, which is reassuring. My little squirrel is prancing back up there.. slowly…slowly.
Meanwhile, I had an excellent date with Traveler that made me over-mush. Whoops!
Traveler and I had a seaside dinner and chat, during which we joked about how hard it was for me to tell him I liked him. He said that this is why he’d admitted to me that he liked me too and told me he really cares about me. I teased that he didn’t tell me he cares about me. He grabbed my hand and said that he cares about me, and that he doesn’t need to hear words when he can feel it and see it in my eyes. He said my actions speak louder than words. He said “you don’t need to hear the words, do you?”. I laughed and said I totally need to hear the words, and that I’d be fine if he does all the heavy lifting in this area of our relationship and says all of the tough stuff first. He laughed, but I wasn’t kidding. 😉
Later that night we were laying in bed, too full to mess around. We had some music going and some candlelight, and we just.. laid there kinda gazing at each other. It was pretty intense. I wanted to tell him I loved him. It bubbled up inside of me, and I said absolutely nothing. I laid there gazing at him in silence.
Still later, as I curled to his back to sleep, I felt again like telling him I loved him. It’s the third time overall and the second time in one night. This happened last weekend too, when I was drowsing off to sleep. Why do I keep wanting to tell him I love him?!?! I knew there was no way I could say that to him, and I’m not sure I want to. I thought about when I told Traveler that I liked him. I was such a spazz. I wanted to be bolder. I asked jumped right in and asked him, “would you freak out if I said I was falling for you just a little bit?”. He said “no. I would not freak out”. He didn’t say anything else. He kissed me.
Then yesterday, I met up with Hubby before Traveler and his wife met us at the room I had been renting for dates and was now giving up. Hubby was surly and strange. He wouldn’t really talk to me, and kept taking pot shots at me as he ignored me and played with his phone’s game. He again said that he isn’t poly and that he’s not doing well with all of this. I asked him if he and Roller Girl were breaking up. He said they weren’t and that that relationship was going great. We were interrupted by moving then, but I revisited it later. As we laid down to go to sleep, he said something again and I again asked him. How can you say you aren’t poly when you say you love both of us? He didn’t answer. I then asked him “wait.. that relationship is going great and this one is the one with problems. You keep saying that you can’t do this. Are you telling me that you can’t be poly and you don’t want to be with me?”. He said he didn’t mean that. He said that he’s just thinking he isn’t poly and he can’t do this. I clarified that he is happy to love Roller Girl and says he loves me, so I asked “what you’re really saying is that you don’t like me being poly, right?”. He said “that would be really unfair, wouldn’t it? I said “having a problem with me being with others but really wanting to date and love others yourself and then punishing me for it.. yeah.. yeah.. that’s pretty unfair”. We didn’t talk much after that. We went to sleep. I have to admit I’m getting tired of months of this. I’m tired of him being mean and snapping, not dealing, saying one thing and meaning another, ignoring me, treating me poorly, refusing to work on anything and just generally being kinda awful. He had a lot of credit with me from years of love and a good relationship, but his account is getting low. He can’t just keep withdrawing and withdrawing. It’s been months and I’m getting tired.
Roller Girl was just amazing through all of this. We had coffee and breakfast and a bunch of phone calls and chats. I just wanted to throw that out there.. how grateful I am to her. She was so supportive and clear and helpful. She’s just.. good. I’m glad my resentment of her is back where it belongs, with Hubby and not on her. No matter what happens with him and her or her and him and whoever and whoever.. I’m keeping that chick in my life.