The Hope of Fools

I just had a really chill date with my hubby.  It wasn’t all that intimate and the poor thing spent a good deal of time dealing with work blowups, but at least there were no Hubby-PolyChick blowups?  Can I get an amen?

He nixed our plans to go to Portland tody, saying (rightfully) that we should try to make more progress on our bills.  I get it, but I can’t say I’m not disappointed.  I was really liking the idea of a few days to have fun and reconnect, and it’s Portland, not the lunar landing.  Meh.. we’ll get there, hopefully before I lose my use-or-lose leave.  I’m trying.. really trying not to get resentful.

It’s starting to really chap my ass that Hubby is always saying we don’t have money and then playing the big shot on his dates.  As far as I can tell he’s paid not only for himself, but for his date’s and even her mom’s and daughter’s meals and such pretty much every time they go out.  He paid for tickets to an expensive show with her.  I know she’s a totally cool independent chick, but she makes shitty money like I do.  I don’t mind buying stuff for her, but I hate that it’s at the expense of our trip to Portland.  We could have covered the hotel with what he spent on meals.

Also, there was an incident recently when I went to dinner with Traveler’s wife.  During the day Hubby called me and asked questions about my plans for the evening and really seemed to be taking an interest.  He told me he planned to stay at work late to finish his studying and then he’d hit a 5pm AA meeting and finish studying that evening while I was out.  He said he was happy I’d be busy that night so he could get his work done so that we could have a really nice date on Friday.

I went to dinner with Traveler’s wife and picked her brain on this married and struggling and open stuff. She and Traveler have been together and open for 12 years and she had really good insights, a lot of which were just that this isn’t that weird.. all of this stuff Hubby and I have been processing and going through.  They had similar struggles and have found a way that works for them.  I left that dinner feeling just.. hopeful.  Maybe we could too.  I was happy and relaxed.  It was not only the hope for Hubby and I, but the hope also for Traveler and I.  It was good to see Traveler’s wife’s thoughts and experiences with her hubby.  I mean, how often do you get the inside scoop like that on your boyfriend?  (Apparently he told her that we’ve been doing awesome and that he is really enjoying our sexual chemistry and compatibility and slowly budding connection.  Pretty cool stuff.)   I got home and Hubby was in a relatively good mood.  I was pretty delightfully surprised to see he had done laundry and cleaned the kitchen too.  I had planned to write a blog the next day about the hope I was feeling.

That didn’t really last long.

I noticed a few things were out in the closet but didn’t think much of them and then when I went to bed my pillow was upside down (It’s a fancy temperpedic thing with sides).  I jokingly asked if Roller Girl had been there.  I didn’t think she had because they had their dates set for the week as Wednesday and Saturday, and he’d just seen her.  I went to bed feeling good.

The next morning he came clean.  Roller Girl had been there.  She’s off work for a little while and she’d come over and he’d taken off work early and they’d fucked.  It’s still not super clear that they hadn’t used our sheets because the guest sheets were exactly where I’d left them.  Whatever.

So.. he’d been calling me at work and checking where I was because he was lying to me about his plans.

He’d lied about what he’d done that day.

He lied when I asked him if she was there.

He talked to me while she was on the ferry on her way there and didn’t say a thing.

Basically.. he found a rare way to cheat on me in a fucking open relationship.

What a dummy I’d been.

I’d been in Seattle trying to find tips to fix our marriage and he was cleaning up after fucking his girlfriend illicitly in our home.

I came home all hopeful from his interest in me and in spending time with me and the experiences of Traveler and his wife.  And he wasn’t actually showing an interest in me or trying to spend time with me.  He was trying to cover his tracks and make sure I wouldn’t be home early and catch him with Roller Girl.  I felt so.. sucker punched.  What an idiot I’d been.

I texted Roller Girl about it.  I’m not sure why.  Maybe because she’s my friend.  She offered to cancel their date that night and to back off until we fix our shit.  He was already getting pissed at me on the phone so I told her not to.  I pretty much begged her not to back off too.  If he thought I’d in any way let or encouraged her to back off or fucked with his relationship with her, he’d lose it.  That, and honestly I don’t see it as her fault.  When she’d heard he lied she’d been really upset and made him come clean.  I felt bad for dragging her into our shit.

I didn’t really want to see his lying face anyway, so I said I needed the time alone.  I had a date yesterday with Great Date (the day after) and Hubby and I planned not to talk about all this junk tonight.  I was able to push it aside and we had a nice evening, but it really is a bunch of shit.  He said on the way home that he wasn’t sure all of this was worth the price and what it’s done to us.

I told him that it didn’t have to do this to us.  I thought if he wasn’t such a selfish fucker, or he would work through his shit this would be better.  If he wasn’t mean or angry or dishonest, or if he was remotely loving or kind to me it wouldn’t be costing us this.  We haven’t fucked in like.. 4-5 months.  He doesn’t try to kiss or cuddle or be affectionate with me.  I know it’s hard to get, but really much of our shit has nothing to do with poly.  Poly really exposed all of our cracks, but it didn’t make them.

I keep ricocheting between feeling like we really might make it to the certainty that we won’t.  I found some promising apartments and such, and I think I’m starting to form a plan.  I can’t keep living this way and the realization of that is becoming less horrifying and shocking and awful and more just sad and resigned.  I don’t want to leave.  I love my husband.  I don’t want to leave our life and our plans, but he isn’t leaving me much choice.  He simply won’t work on his shit and I simply can’t keep living with it.  Believe me, I know how much of my blog in recent months has been this battle between should I stay or go.

I figure I will give us 3 months to see if counseling works or he pulls his head miraculously out of his ass.


  1. That guy is toxic. I am sorry to use such strong language, but Fuck Him! You have given him so many passes and he just walks all over you. Stick up for yourself. It is scary to step back, but he is putting in zero effort. Quite the opposite actually.


  2. I have been reading this blog for ages now. And I know that you love your husband and maybe your poly relationship isn’t what did it. But honestly? I don’t know if he loves you anymore. He seems to be playing games and spending forever being resentful and angry at you. You don’t deserve that treatment. No one does. The alarm bells for me would have been when he got in contact with his ex. I think this man is not going to back off from upsetting you until he has ruined you.

    I am sorry for such a bleak comment. I just want to hug you!


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