Are You or Aren't You?

An apology for being a Drama Llama, a reassuringly great date with Great Date, and a relaxing connecting evening with Traveler. 

I am sorry.. yes..I’ve been in a Drama Llama place lately and I’m not quite done yet.

Hubby and I had lunch Sunday, after our awful Saturday and him jumping back into talking to me abusively.  I fled to a the local bakery to kill time after he told me to “fuck myself” because he was upset Roller Girl wasn’t texting him back and he was anxious she had travel plans.  He was fighting with Roller Girl and yep.. I stepped in it.  He asked for my help and I listened.  Then he got increasingly upset and I knew that was my cue to take off.  He got mean.  Then he called and apologized and said all the right things and his words meant little because this is what abusers do.

I talked to him Sunday morning to feel him out and he seemed okay, so I assumed he and Roller Girl had worked it out.  We decided to meet for lunch as planned before his date with Roller Girl.  I showed up and he was there and in a rare mood.  We ordered sushi and got into it before it arrived.  I will spare you the boring details.

He told me he can’t do this.. any of this.. poly, being married to me, dating Roller Girl.. any of it.  He said he just wants to be alone.  I asked what that really meant, what he wanted me to do and he said he wanted a divorce.  He clarified that he wanted the divorce because he doesn’t come first since one time a few weeks ago I wouldn’t cancel a date when he and I were fighting.

I got mad.  I asked him if he was serious.  12 and a half years of love and support, 2 war deployments, 3 dead babies, having raised a foster daughter and all that we’d been through with his daughters from a previous marriage.. all of it, and he wanted a divorce because I wouldn’t cancel a date when he asked me to?  Bullshit.

If I cancelled dates every time he got mad I’d never date, and besides we agreed we weren’t going to treat our other relationships like garbage.  They are whole and complete relationships worth the same respect.  I will never knowingly blow off Great Date for Hubby or Traveler for Great Date or whatever.

He thought for a bit.  He said.. so.. how are we going to do this thing?  I asked “our divorce?”.  I told him I supposed pretty easy.  Divide things, try not to be ugly, work it out and sign papers.  He ate sushi in silence for a bit while I chewed my same piece over and over and over till it was glue.

He then said.. “I don’t really want all that.  I just think you are too up in my shit.  I need to be able to do what I want to do with my relationship and stuff.  I need to be able to do whatever I want with [Roller Girl]”.  I was a little confused.  He already does.  I asked for at least one date a week and one night a week where he is off the phone by 9pm.  He can and does do whatever he likes the other 5 days a week.

I asked if this was what all of that was about.. and he said “pretty much”.

I didn’t want to move out or get a divorce before then.  I really wanted to move out then.

He was happy that I agreed to let him do anything he wants.  He was cheery.  He was affectionate and asked if we could get coffee after that.  I felt shell-shocked.  I’d been lambasted, asked for a divorce, told to fuck myself, told I was an evil bitch and had my butt grabbed playfully in a 24 hour period by the same guy.  When we left for our cars he whistled as he walked to his truck.   Whistled.  I  know he’s going through stuff and I understand that his feelings are coming out sideways, but none of this is okay.

I had emotional whiplash.

We are talking about this tonight at counseling.  I’m not sure HOW to do it exactly, but I think we need a separation.

In the midst of all of this I had my Saturday night with Great Date.  We ordered the best damn pizza I’ve ever eaten and watched some Game of Thrones.  We snuggled, we fucked, we talked.  Basically we were us.  I’m sad to say how much I needed his love just then.  I’m feeling pretty reassured as he starts dating.  I feel like I’m important to him as he is to me, and his actions are loving and present.  We had this really cool talk about non-sexual intimacy, and I realized that this especially had been an unmet need of mine, and one of the many reasons I love Great Date.

Sunday night I had my date with Traveler.  We’d previously talked about playing WoW with Great Date so since he planned to play and had a character on level I thought it might be fun to have him come play.  Traveler and I have played with his wife before (which is very fun) and Traveler had previously said he’d love to play with Great Date.  Turns out Traveler wanted to have the time to ourselves.  He brought up the point (a good one) that I spend two days a week with Great Date and that we had just this one night.  He was apologetic about it, but I did understand.  I told Great Date and I felt really weird about it.  Great Date was totally cool about it and not butt hurt, and he said he totally understood, but I felt like a jerk for asking Great Date before I’d talked to Traveler.  I apologized this morning.

Traveler and I ate a delicious meal which I finally cooked for him.  (I still haven’t cooked for Great Date but will remedy that FAST!)  We relaxed a while, since we were too stuffed to do anything else, with about an hour of WoW and went up to snuggle and pet.  We had another good discussion about mush.  I confessed that the last 4 times I’ve hung out with him I’ve had this urge to “make emotional confessions”.  I explained that I didn’t want to change anything and that I liked this, but that I’d been feeling mushy.  I asked if this would ruin things.  He asked what it could possibly ruin and I explained that I enjoyed our easy non-dramatic connection.  We talk a few times a week and see each other at least once a week.  We play WoW sometimes and have these really nice dates, and I said that I didn’t want them to change or to make shit weird.  He talked about how much he appreciates our “thing” (using my word) and how lovely it is.  He talked about the things he appreciates about me and about being with me.  He told me that he cares for me deeply and held me.  I don’t know.  It’s not the passionate maelstrom of some loves, and honestly.. that’s lovely.

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