So.. the moment of truth occurred at the therapy session yesterday. I told Hubby beforehand that I thought we needed a separation. He kinda blew it off, saying “nah.. we don’t need that”. I said I did, thank you very much, because I was sick of the way I was being treated and I wasn’t doing it any more. He said “Well, if that’s what you need”. I’m still not sure he understands the gravity of our situation.
At the doc’s office we talked about how Hubby had snuck Roller Girl over the house on a non-date night and fucked her and then lied about it and covered his tracks. He finally apologized and seemed to get he’d done something wrong. He had just kept saying that he’d “just been spontaneous and didn’t do it well”. We talked about hubby’s emotional outbursts and recent request for a divorce because I hadn’t broken a date. And we talked about my desire to move out and our trauma response stuff.
It was a good session actually. Hubby agreed to go to Dialectical Behavior Therapy for dealing with his emotions and agreed that he is not allowed to say “divorce” or “I am not poly” for a while. If he works through things and still feels that way, well.. then we’ll deal with that then.
When he is calm and rational he apologizes and admits he says that to punish me and scare me. We talked about the cruelty of threatening the relationships I have with him and other people I love. That alone is a big relief to me.
We also talked about why I take it and ways to not take it. I am responsible for removing myself from situations when they are off kilter and for taking care of myself. I am no longer allowed to try to manage his feelings, avoid upsetting him or take on his emotions. That is his job. When he acts like a douche I’m allowed to leave or do what I need to do. I’m concerned this will mean a great deal of time away from home.
His phone died yesterday on the way home and mine was near dead, about to die. Normally I’d give him my charger so he doesn’t get mad, but I was talking with people and using my phone, and I didn’t want it to die so I told him I needed my charger. He threw a temper tantrum and I ignored him and happily played on my phone (not in a gloating way). His reactions are not my business and I don’t owe him my charger. He soothed himself after a bit and took a nap. That was not my problem and I didn’t have to fix it.
I don’t know. I really don’t. I’m tired of saying I’m hopeful and actually I’m not that hopeful. I can’t really imagine my life without Hubby and I don’t really want to.. but yeah.. I guess it’s really coming into focus. You know, it’s not just the yelling. It’s the lack of communication and respect. It’s the lack of affection and lack of support. It’s really.. well.. it’s really broken. We will have to see.