My Turn in the Barrel

So, yesterday Hubby was in a decent mood when he came home and I was the bitch.  Dammit!  I apologized quickly and it was really brief.. but it was pretty bad.  I really really hate being an asshole.

All this marital stuff has been weighing on me.  I don’t know what will happen with us and I’m trying not to guess ahead.. but it’s hard.  I’m realizing that even if we do work out this problem with him screaming in my face and telling me to fuck myself, well.. there’s a lot here.  There are actually a lot of things that are problems for me in this relationship and I’m seeing that we have a lot of work to do and even then it really may not work.  This weighs on me.

bleeding eyes

So Hubby came home yesterday in a pretty good mood and I surprised both of us by lashing out.  He said “I’m actually feeling good today” and I responded with “that’s good.  I’m really struggling today and I’m not”.

The day before he had said to me “I just feel nothing for you sexually at all.  I am totally consumed by this thing with Roller Girl.. it’s just.. it’s just so amazing.  It’s everything right now and there is nothing left, you know?”.

Ouch.  You know, you hope your loves communicate with you honestly, but damn.  I don’t know what to do with that.  Really.  Like I have no idea how to process that or be okay with that.  That fucking hurts.  That stings and my chest burns and my stomach aches.  That makes me angry and makes me want to cry.  I know it’s just the truth of how he feels, but damn.  I want him to be honest with me and I wish he hadn’t said that.

So, that bounced around in my head for day or so.  I know it’s New Relationship Energy and I know that it’s natural to be super excited about the shiny new thing.  I get that.  I also get that the old thing.. even the old thing that you love tremendously is usually not AS passionate or appealing.  I mean, c’mon.  I’m dating too.  The passion I feel for Great Date and for Traveler is just fresher and bigger and more fiery, even though I’ve been with them about 8 months and 7 months.  I don’t run around with constant thoughts of jumping my husband of 12 years either.  But the passion I feel for say, Great Date, does not totally and utterly replace the feeling I have for Hubby.  I’m not saying I’d want to have anything like the amount of sex Great Date and I have with Hubby, but you know..I’d like to think a new thing wouldn’t totally and utterly REPLACE me.  But, well, it did.

worthlessI’m left with all of these feelings.  I feel so unloved and so unworthy. Roller Girl is prettier and better in bed.   She’s more affectionate and more worthy.  She’s sexier and more fun.  She’s kinkier and lovelier and better.  She’s so amazing, so wonderful, so perfect and sexy and voracious that he just forgot about me.  They are doing so many of the things I always asked him to do and he never wanted with me.  He is consumed with her and I am nothing.  12 years of love and support and friendship and sex, all of our experiences and all of our time and affection and life.. just.. means nothing.  I was so easily and quickly replaced.

I yelled.  I told him I wasn’t sure there was much to save because I think it’s pretty clear that he doesn’t love me.  When I had my motorcycle accident, he was not there for me.  I broke my elbow on my right arm and my left thumb and needed help with everything.  He was angry and short-tempered.  He would barely help in the shower and would be gruff and resentful.  He got screaming mad at me for asking him to help me wash the way I wanted to so I would feel clean.

He read a magazine.. flipping pages, as I cried recently when a young patient hung himself.  I got home and was finally able to let go.  I cried my eyes out laying on our bed, and he sat next to me silently flipping pages and then when I was calmer, 10 minutes later, he asked if I needed a therapist because I seemed really upset.  My patient had hung himself.  My young sweet promising patient.

And you know, it’s not just recently.

So, I’m feeling all this real and conflated stuff.  I think I’m upset at some legitimate things and I think I’m struggling with thoughts I know aren’t true but that hurt me anyway.  I don’t want to just hastily leave or to stay in an emotionally abusive marriage with a person that doesn’t love me or at the very least doesn’t treat me like I’m loved.

It’s all kinda eating my lunch today.

Justin Hillgrove

Justin Hillgrove

5 Comments

  1. Hi. I found your blog by way of HisBelovedSubmissive and have been a loyal reader for a couple of months. While I am far from poly (I’ll admit I’m nowhere near a big enough person to go there) I respect your right to live your life that way that makes you happy. I have been happily married for 21years so my heart goes out to you in regard to your marital troubles. After reading today’s post, I wonder if you are now getting a little taste of how Hubby has been feeling? I apologize if I’m speaking out of turn but through reading your blogs I always got the impression that you preferred Great Date and Traveler to Hubby. Brightest blessings to you and yours.

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    • I think I can see it though. It’s a blog, so I wrote about the crazy newness and the stuff that really strikes me. The wonderful normal love between my husband I didn’t always get written about. It’s been a long and mostly very happy marriage. I am sad I haven’t been doing it justice on my blog.

      Also, rereading this, it does sound like jealousy, which isn’t what I was feeling or meant. I was talking more about the feeling of having him just say he was all for this, and none for me. It’s the none for me part that’s troubling.

      Hubby and I spend 4-5 days a week together. He’s been my best friend and lover for over 12 years. He is by far he most significant relationship of my life. I wanted him then and I want him now. I have in no way replaced him.. Ever. That’s why this is so painful.

      Thank you for reading and for your honest and clearly heartfelt thoughts. I’m sorry I have you that impression. It’s a lack in my writing, but not my heart.

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  2. I never thought you were jealous. I can understand completely why you felt the way you did after what he said. I just wonder if your (understandable) giddy, gushing excitement over these two ‘new’ relationships spilled over into “Hubby’s time” in real life as they did in your writing. I also wonder if that didn’t make Hubby feel unworthy, unwanted, unloved, replaced. And men are terrible at processing emotion so I can even understand (not condone) that his first response was aggression.

    You all seem like awesomely cool and lovely people and I hope everything works out for you ‘all’. 😉

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