A little overview of my current relationships.. including snuggles, a little sex, and a nice guy.
Man.. relationships are complicated.
Hubby and I had a really good date last night despite me, yet again, being a pill. I picked him up after work and we went out for sushi. I felt tense, worried, anxious. I didn’t want to have another bad night. He was in good spirits but I was on edge. We ordered and got our sushi and he filled me in on his latest happenings. He’s been chatting up 4 different girls. One of them he thinks is fake because she is wicked attractive and has no real profile content. Eh.. whatever. He said he’s not at all interested in adding anybody, but spent the last two days answering questions and chatting up girls. Um.. ok.
He and Roller Girl made up and the proposed break where they don’t talk all the time and he works on shit just kinda fell apart I guess. I’m really glad they’re okay though. It’s too bad it won’t be a catalyst for him to change, but I am happy their relationship is back on track. He didn’t call the shrink this week to start therapy and his book is right where he left it. This is what had me tense. On the one hand I’d be kinda happy if he’d fucking date because at least then he’d be putting his foot firmly in poly, but on the other it’d be cool if he’d just deal with his shit and not drag any other poor souls into this.
Anyway.. at dinner I started to tear up. I was looking at him and thinking.. how did we get here? How did we get so fucking close to the edge and how could we ever get back?
He asked why I was crying and I told him. He got annoyed and said “Honey.. I don’t know why you keep saying this shit. I’m not going anywhere”. I told him “maybe. but I am.” I showed him the apartment I’d found yesterday that looked promising and told him I’d asked my boss for more hours. I have begun to prepare to go. It’s just obvious to me at this point that we aren’t going to work and I have to take care of myself. The therapist asked me to stay a bit while we work on things, and I am, but I’m also making sure I’ll be okay if I need to get out. Hubby makes about 3 times what I make, so surviving on my salary would be a challenge.
He finally got it. Looking at that little apartment, he got it.
“You are really that close? We are in that much trouble?”. Yes. Yes we are.
We talk/fought on our way home, talking about the things that would have to change. It’s not just the verbal abuse and yelling in my face. It’s not just the fact we don’t communicate well at all right now. It’s our dynamic. It’s him doing anything he wants to do and either lying or weathering my reaction or shutting me down. It’s me placating to keep the peace and lying about how I feel to not be “too much”. It’s being cruel and taking each other for granted. It’s that he often thinks I’m interrogating him or judging him and refusing to believe me when I say what I really feel. It’s that we haven’t had sex in like.. 5 months. It’s that we rarely kiss and neither of us can remember more than 3 times this year that we cuddled when we were both awake and neither of us was on a video game. 😦
Hubby started talking about taking action again. He said he’d call the shrink Monday, and that he’d read the workbook this weekend. He said he’d make a real effort to give me one date night a week and one evening a week where he didn’t talk to Roller Girl after 9pm or so. It’s a good start.
I said that I would do my best to work on my placating too. Honestly it’s part of our problem lately. I don’t do it so much now and it causes collision, but I guess collision we must have. If we work to be better ourselves and we still fail in our marriage, well.. then that’s how it’s meant to be.
We came home and I asked if we could be done with heavy talk and watch a comedy and cuddle. We did. We put on warm pajamas and curled up on the couch with each other, our tiny dog and our codependent cat. We snuggled and enjoyed a nice movie. When it was over we didn’t want to stop cuddling, even though it was very late, and it was like we didn’t want to break the spell by going upstairs, so we watched an old TV show and snuggled some more. This morning we lay in bed face to face for a little while. I petted his face and we told each other “I love you”.
That was a pretty fucking good date in my book.
Great Date had a date last night too, with a mono girl. He called me just a bit ago and all is well. Turns out he actually is a nice guy (sorry Great Date) and he will be just friends with this girl and he’s happy to be a friend. He doesn’t appear to be a plotting friend either. See why I love him? He, no shit, can be a friend to a pretty girl without motive and call a date of talking with her a great time. God that makes me want to do naughty naughty naughty things to him. Hmm.. maybe I have time for Babeland? It might be fun to start trying some new things. We talked the other day about them and have quite a fun list, and I think I’m healed up from the very good schtuping he gave me the other night.
And as for Traveler, we had a very relaxing date Thursday. We’d both had long days, so he picked me up from coffee with my BUDDY Naughty Blogger Girl and we went to a hotel. We got a little Italian food on the way, snuggled and pet, took a very naughty shower and settled in with pasta and WoW. Sigh. He proposed we revisit our idea of getting a playspace together. We talked about it a bit, and I have to admit I melted a little when he said “to me it would be really worth it to invest a little in a place that could be ours and that we could be comfortable and enjoy time together a couple of days a week, you know?” It just.. touched me. Something about that.. a place that was ours… a couple of days a week. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. I told him later that I was crazy about him. I know, I know. I just can’t say the L yet.s.. alright dammit.. I really do care about him.
I have a date tonight with Great Date. I don’t know. Maybe you really can have cake and eat it too. Just maybe.