Looking at some sexual jealousy, mine and his.. and wondering how to consistently behave.
Things have taken a decided upswing with Hubby. We’ve officially been in counseling for a few weeks now and have learned a few useful tools. He’s also working a bit individually on himself. It’s still only been days, but I am starting to see that maybe maybe maybe we’ll make it. I can’t express strongly enough how much this would relieve me. There’s been a lot of turmoil, but I still really love Hubby.
We had a good date where he came over to the city to spend time with me and we enjoyed each others company. We talked and laughed, held hands and were kinda loving. It was nice. It was followed by days of better stuff too. We were actually talking and being more like us. And then last night I took a turn being the asshole. There is this troubling spot, like a sore tooth I just can’t stop prodding.
Most of the time I get why he and I aren’t having sex. He’s been a mess. Er.. well I don’t GET it, but I accept it most of the time. Most of the time I see that this is just one of our problems and it may get better when we deal with our other stuff. I see that lots of long-term couples don’t have much sex and there’s many ways to be intimate. It sucks that ours isn’t really the fade away long term thing, but I’m not hurting for sex. So, a lot of the time I feel like maybe it’s a big deal but not THAT gargantuan.
But here’s the rub. That’s most of the time. When I am calm and secure I get it. I really do. I get that he’s in a new relationship and he’s got all that New Relationship Energy and it’s all hot and spicy and fresh, and that this would take the majority of his sexual interest. I even understand sometimes why he’d feel overwhelmed with Roller Girl and not have a lot left for me and how this isn’t as horrible as it necessarily sounds and that with time this too could be overcome. Most of the time.
Then there are these moments.. I boil up… . There are times I want to smash the faces of Hubby and Roller Girl. There are times I fucking HATE THEM. There are these moments where I resent Roller Girl, whom I actually love. There are times I feel like I am on fire, my nerve endings singed and ragged. I had a moment like this last night.. for 15 straight minutes.
Things were going well and then Hubby mentions that he’s glad Roller Girl is back because he’s so horny with her gone that he has blue balls. I ran quickly into the house to grab a headache pill and it just echoed in my head. He’s crazy horny because she’s been gone for a week or so that he has blue balls. Then it swelled up. “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!?!?!?”
What the fuck? He’s suffering from lack of sex because Roller Girl is out of town? Not once did he so much as hint he might ever want me again in the last five months. The last time we had sex was November 9th. It is now April. It just.. racked me. Even being so horny he has “blue balls” doesn’t make him want me. I was filled with self loathing. I was afraid and angry and hurt. I ran back out to the car and unleashed on him on the way to our meeting.
We used to have a very good sex life. It was slightly stunted because he wouldn’t entertain some of my ideas of things I’d like to try. He made fun of and was disgusted by me for a long time after I asked him to cum on my face. Over time I stopped telling him some of the naughty things I like. Nobody likes to feel shamed for wanting what they want. But honestly we still had a very good sex life. We enjoyed the things we did do. It’s hard to say about yourself and not sound like an asshole, but I am generally seen as a good lover.
When we opened up we talked about having fun with some more stuff again. He shamed me a lot for the things I did with Kinky Boy. Then he got jealous in a threesome with me and Roller Girl and he’s never touched me sexually again. He and Roller Girl are now doing all of the things he shamed me for wanting. He talks about it sometimes, and again, most of the time I’m happy for him and happy he’s having fun. I’m happy he’s learning to open up more and I encourage him. I love him and like him happy. His pleasure excites me a little.
He has said he doesn’t want to have sex with me and he feels “no sexual attraction” to me for a host of reasons. He is afraid to chance passing anything from Roller Girl to me. He is overwhelmed with their sexual relationship. He feels like he is cheating on her with me. He feels unsettled about extramarital sex. There is insecurity about the other guys I’m seeing. He feels like I wanted to open up is because he wasn’t enough. He feels like there are all of these people in our bed. Ouch to most of those, but okay. Let’s look at this.
- If he were honestly afraid that Roller Girl had anything that he would get and pass to me he should stop having sex with Roller Girl, not me.
- If he was unsettled about extra marital sex he should stop having sex with Roller Girl, not me.
- If he feels he wasn’t enough for me and we opened up because of it, he should admit that I wasn’t enough either. He was all too eager and it was HIS idea to open up at all. I was totally interested and jumped super fast on board with that, but so was he.
- If he’s upset about the other guys or feels insecure and actually wanted to work on it, he should make some effort to do so. He has been saying lately that he’ll have to deal with this some day when Roller Girl dates. This chaps my ass. Why wouldn’t you deal with it now for your wife?
I see that he has legitimate reason to feel conflicted about our sex life. I understand he’s conflicted. I don’t want to add to our issues by being an asshole. I went on and on last night for 15 minutes spewing anger and fear and pain.
I have said I get it sometimes and other times I just don’t. Other times it kills me. I am filled with reasons real and imagined. Roller Girl is better than me. She’s sexier and more fun. She has a better pussy. She’s more more skilled and prettier. She replaced me so easily and so quickly because I am lame. She has taken all of my husband’s attraction because she’s just BETTER. He can finally do the things he wants now. It wasn’t that he didn’t want those things, just not with me. All that time I thought we were having amazing sex he was lying. I am just… lacking.
I yelled at him for telling me he has blue balls because Roller Girl was out of town. I said it was bullshit that he says he’ll have to work on stuff when she dates but isn’t concerned enough to work on it now. I told him how much it hurt that I had loved him and fucked him for 12 years and the first girl he fucks other than me just replaces me so totally and completely that he just forgot me. I asked him what about me made me so undesirable and why he would do everything I have ever wanted, but with her. I told him it was totally fucked that he’d told people at the poly munch that he was “really new at all of this kink stuff, and he’d always been interested but hadn’t ever been able to try it until now”. It felt like a slap in the face. The guy next to me looked at me, puzzled, because he knows I’m kinky. I had to explain that Hubby and I don’t play together that way but he’s exploring.
It’s really hard to see your husband having the best sex of his life,
and it’s not with you.
When I was done yelling I felt no better. I didn’t hurt less. I know that this kind of behavior won’t endear Hubby to me or make him suddenly desire me again. I don’t like yelling. It doesn’t feel good and I doubt he heard much of it anyway. I made amends last night and we came home and relaxed. I really hate being the asshole. I hate reacting poorly, regardless of what others do, and I hate being wrong.
Hell, I’ve watched Hubby have sex with Roller Girl. She is a woman, no more and no less. She does not have super powers and isn’t light years beyond me. She is beautiful but she has flaws too. They don’t have some new kind of sex that is beyond anything he and I have ever done. She’s wonderful in bed, sure, but so am I. I know Hubby is conflicted, and I get it, but it’s hard to remember sometimes and harder to contain this resentment when it bubbles up. I don’t resent Roller Girl. I resent Hubby, but I realize some of what I resent is not his fault to take either. Some of it is. Regardless of all of that, I was wrong and I admit it. The only part of any of this that I can control is me and my reactions, so I’m peeling peeling peeling. I’d like to react sanely and normally and talk rationally. I’m working on it.
I’m stealing Karen’s idea. I think I’d like to become a Vulcan please.