Nope. I'm still not Alone

I should be in bed now, but my head is full of will we, won’t we, should we?  Things in general have been really bad with Hubby for a while and I’ve been hoping to wait it out.  I’ve talked and talked and talked.  (And blogged.. you poor things)

He’s been mostly awful since about November.  It’s April.

I can’t seem to pull the trigger though.  I can’t seem to go.  I just don’t want to let go.

divorce cyanideI think it’s really clear that he no longer loves me.  I think he likes the security of me and he professes to want to keep me around, but his behavior just doesn’t support that.  He is not a loving man any longer.  Even if you subtract the abusive screaming in my face, the lying, the refusal to be reasonable about even really basic things and the fact that he has zero sexual desire for me… you get a guy that’s been decent to me a dozen days in five months and each time I’m singing his praises and thanking the heavens that my husband is coming back to himself. 

He called to apologize today for making me feel replaced and I wanted and needed to hear that.  I lapped that up eagerly and was so grateful and happy.  Then in the same conversation, when I told him again that I was sorry and that I didn’t know what to do with this building resentment and these emotions he became terribly angry and we began to fight.  It wasn’t all him.. for sure.  I was arguing too.  I had only been trying to apologize and yet here we were again.

He accused me of reading his texts because he had told Roller Girl he had blue balls at some point and didn’t remember telling me yesterday in his truck.  I got mad that he told Roller Girl he had blue balls too, because to me that was even worse.  To tell your girlfriend you have blue balls when you are with your wife is pretty shitty.. maybe more shitty than telling your wife you won’t fuck that you have blue balls.

He started yelling and screaming.  He told me to go fuck myself and to shut the fuck up and that I should fuck off.  He asked if I was done pissing him off because lately every word out of my mouth pissed him off and he’s fucking sick of me and I should just shut the fuck up and stop talking to him at all because I never listen.. blah blah blah.  He went on and on like this for about a solid minute.  I lost it.  I told him I was going to be an asshole too and yelled “fuck you (husband’s name)!”  I hung up on him like I was a 12 year old girl.  Again.. I am responsible for my reactions and dammit.. this isn’t okay.  NO MATTER WHAT HE DOES I CANNOT ACT THIS WAY.

I felt resigned. I walked back into work with leaden feet.  The few days of good seemed like they were just a break and not in fact a turning point.  I’ve been swinging wildly back and forth on all of this.  Every single time there is a glimmer of hope I rejoice.  It’s just that I want to have my marriage good and happy again and I don’t want to leave and I also, at the same time, want to go.  He sent a text apologizing about 10 minutes later.

I want to be free of this kind of shit and all of this pain and this fucking dragging through the dirt.  I keep watching him act like he has toward his ex-wife and remembering what I knew then.  I am watching him act this way.. be so unreasonable and lose his shit with her and scream and yell and one day I will be her.  You can learn a lot about a person when you see how they treat their exes.  I keep holding on now… allowing myself to be dragged because I am hoping hoping hoping even as I know it’s such a long shot I might as well be playing roulette.

divorce sillouetteI can’t keep guessing.. will we.. won’t we… it’s exhausting.  But I just can’t go until I’m sure.  Until I am sure, I feel like I have to try.  It’s the long time I’ve loved him holding me here and it’s unraveling.

I went to dinner with Traveler’s other and had a very nice time. I talked for a while to Traveler and have stayed up here reading blogs and looking at apartments and planning things out.  I talked to a friend about my thoughts.  I will try to take this and leave that.  I wonder if I should ask for this other thing.

I kept having these moments during all of this planning and preparing and apartment gazing.  Has it really come to this?  Am I really resigning myself to not asking for any of his retirement so that he’ll let me keep the house my best friend lives in that I bought with my father’s money?  Am I really thinking maybe he’ll throw in some of the things we’ve acquired that I know I’ll never be able to afford on my own?  Am I really looking at apartments and planning practical things?  Am I wondering who gets the good cookware?

Yes.  I am.

I have to.

divorce furnitureI have to admit too that I don’t know how I’d survive any of this without my friends and my love.  I have a date tomorrow with Great Date and I’m so grateful to escape to his loving arms.  He has a sore throat and I will happily feed him soup and watch Netflix just to have the chance to be in his presence.   I hope he isn’t sick of course, but either way I need to and am happy to see him, even to take care of him.  I so badly miss him anyway and more so with all of this.  I need him right now and I have to see him tomorrow.  Thank God it’s our date night.  He’s been so amazing in all of this, offering such love and support and patience.

I still don’t really know what will really happen, but I do have to say that it’s a comfort to find myself surrounded by love.  This is just something I would not have if I were not open.  How rare and precious to face the worst things in your life and find that you are not alone.

2 Comments

  1. It’s good that you know that you won’t go until you are sure. I remember feeling that way, even when I absolutely knew it was over and was hoping against all odds S and I would somehow get through it. Looking back, maybe it would have been better to move on earlier than I did, but then I would always wonder if I jumpted ship too soon. One thing that makes me worry about you, though, is that his actions don’t show any concrete effort to take responsibility and care for you – his partner for so long. I admire your courage for sticking around, but you deserve much more than what he is giving you.

    This is devastating, and you will need your friends more than ever before. It looks like you have a great support system, though, and I am sure they will all be there for you. Letting go is always difficult, but taking care of “practical” things sometimes gives it a degree of sanity.

    Like

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