Gratitude

ImageI am feeling like everything will work out.  I don’t mean that I will get everything that I want or that I have the foggiest damn clue of what I think things even should be right now.  I’m just saying that I feel like maybe whatever they are will just be okay. 

Hubby and I are still doing our crazy dance but for today things are calm.  Today he might come have lunch with me at work.  I’m going to work-out after work and have yummy sushi.  Hubby and I might make it and work and stay married forever.  We might break up soon or we might make it a while and break up at some time in the future on some thing I can’t even imagine.  One of us might die.  Nothing is certain and I have no more answers today than I have had for a while.  I’m sitting here in this place and it’s hard, but I don’t have any answers yet.  I just don’t.  I keep thinking will we and won’t we and guessing guessing guessing.  I just don’t know, but for today I’m okay with not knowing.  Today I am in the moment and letting it be what it is.  I will continue to try to spend time with him, and go to counseling, and work on it, and try to work it out.  I will continue to prepare to be okay if we don’t work it out.

Some of the apartments I can afford are by Traveler, so he took me on a tour of his area last night and we looked at some of the buildings from the outside.  There are some really…errrr choices and a few nicely cared for places too.  I can actually afford to live somewhere safe and nice and okay.  I probably won’t have a dishwasher and may have a 70’s kitchen.  It may be small, and it may be a clean and well cared for older building, but it will be okay.  I will be okay. 

Great Date is turning a really healthy corner too and thinking of things like balance and building a more full and good life for himself.  This can be nothing but good.  I love him and I love seeing him take such positive steps.  He is even going somewhere tonight.. no promises.. to find a potential other source of support for himself and the things he needs to work on.  I’m excited but staying totally out of it.  It’s totally his decision, but I won’t lie that I’m inspired and happy he’s trying new things. 

Some friendships are budding or reconnecting and I’m excited about that.  I too need to be a balanced person and I need friends and love and art and rest.  I need work and workouts, nature and support too, and a lot of that is building and proving itself here. 

I just feel.. right now.. today.. right. 

I feel like I will be okay.  The paths may be harder but have benefits too.  There aren’t really any easy paths and that’s okay.  I don’t mind working and I will be okay to weather some trials because I have before and will again.  Right now I am clear. 

I really will be okay. 

I am grateful for love and friendship and laughter.  I’m thankful for the work that has come before that has shown me how to do this.  I’m grateful for a clear mind today and for good perspective.  I’m grateful for the lovely sun and for the freedom of choice.  I’m lucky I have options at all and I’m grateful whatever happens I will ultimately be just fine.  I’m just grateful today.

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2 Comments

  1. Pingback: Oxytocin & the Birth and Death of Love | Little. Old. Me.

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