Oh Baby, What I Need

I need to feel like we are okay.

It’s a simple thing really, but this is what I need.

party star warsI know this sounds borderline retarded, but I’m discovering that this little need is behind a ton of things for me.  It’s the difference between jealousy and compersion, the difference between happy feelings about you and the desire to pull away.. it’s a simple little need, but damn it’s powerful.

Case in point, I was talking to Great Date today who mentions that he’s meeting a girl from Adult Friend Finder on Friday.  This isn’t a huge surprise, as many of you know we are both on there.  (I just deleted my renewal though…not a fan).  I had a twinge.  Yeah.. I get them.  Uh oh.  He’s going to meet a girl from AFF on Friday.  People don’t meet AFF people to exchange quilting patterns.  If it goes well he’ll fuck her.  I’m okay with this, but yes, it gives me twinges.  I ask if it’s the girl that lives far away and it’s not.  It’s a new one.  Gulp.  It’s one that helps check off a bucket list item.  Actually that made me feel better.  I had a little surge of.. okay.. she’s not just another me because I am lacking.

I was okay, but I just felt weird.  I figured he’d be tired from fucking her on Friday when I met with him on Saturday.  Oh, here we go.

Then, he did something pretty amazing.  He told me he loved me.  He told me he was crazy about me and talked just a little bit about the things he wants with me.  It made me remember that we are cool.  It made me remember the way I feel about this man and about our relationship.  I felt comfortable, safe and secure.  I suddenly realized I was kinda excited for him.    A bucket list girl for my honey!  Yay!

I think that when I get what I need I can be open.  If we are okay and our shit is good, then I LIKE it when he gets more or extra love or affection or sex or connection or fun.

Earlier in the week he had his first date date with a new girl.  I was feeling pretty great about the whole thing leading up to it until he got upset right before his date and left me a couple of texts.  I got them after I came out of an appointment, while he was on his date and I could do nothing about them.  I began to feel that familiar burn in my chest.  He’s out with pretty and funny and NEW, and he’s upset with me.  Uh oh.

I stayed busy and dealt with it like a grown-up, but it was really uncomfortable.  Then he sent a quick text, “all is good honey.  I love you!”.  I felt better.  We’re okay.

It’s amazingly simple, but I need a small reassurance, which I can then ask for and he’s been good about giving me.  I can also know this about myself and be prepared with true and reassuring things to tell myself.

Very good to know.

I just need to know that we’re okay.

2 Comments

  1. We’re good, lover. Asside from when I behave like an insecure asshat all we really are struggling with are the ups and downs of a poly relationship. You know I’ve got my emotional trigger about feeling “left out” and that’s all the thing before my date was. When I thought it through I realized I was just overreacting because I felt a little excluded from your social group. But the truth is, although I’d like to be more involved in your life, I can’t ask you to carry me in any way — including socially! So, some of my recent dating frenzy is trying to extend my network a little; not to replace you, but to give myself strength and stability so I don’t have to lean on you so much and so I don’t freak out every time I get a silly little thought that someone is going to “take you away” from me. I love you and I trust you.

    We really are okay, baby 🙂

    Like

  2. Yes,yes,I totally understand this blog post! I am exactly the same way. I really NEED to know we are okay before he plays with someone else. That little bit of reassurance goes such a long way in helping me to deal with and feel okay or even good about the whole situation. The Professor couldn’t, or wouldn’t, understand that and it ultimately caused the demise of our relationship. 😦

    Like

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