I found myself uncharacteristically emo.
Hubby and I are improving I think. It’s hard and we’re trying, and things are still really uncertain there and I have a lot of fear. Great Date and I have been stronger than ever, and things are so good there. We are so close and it’s so very much everything I want and need it to be. He’s working on his own things and growing, which is awesome, and something I really like in a partner. I’m proud of him, if proud is even the word. And our relationship is amazingly good on pretty much every level. Traveler and I are good too. We’re still pretty low drama and low maintenance, even after the “I love you”. We’ve said it once or twice since then. He’s such an engineer. Even Roller Girl and I are having a friendassance. We got to talk a few times and met for lunch. I’m so lucky to have her in my life.
So.. what’s all this emotion about?
I haven’t slept much in the last 2 nights. I’ve eaten pretty much junk, sugar, and carbs for 3 days. I feel distant and scared and worried my marriage is unraveling and it won’t be salvageable. Great Date added two lovers this week, going on two dates with one of them this week and sleeping with the other one after a proposed coffee meet and greet. I really was overall okay with Great Date’s dating, feeling happy for his budding possibility and even mostly okay with the sex friend. Somehow when he told me the next morning about her I was not surprised at all. I somehow knew the previous evening that he was fucking her and I had very small twinges and was okay.
Then yesterday I had this really nice time with Great Date, snuggling and kissing and enjoying Roller Derby with him and Hubby and Roller Girl. We came home and were both really tired and went almost immediately to bed. We curled up and he was immediately asleep. I rolled over to avoid waking him.
And my brain found a little nugget to chew.
“It is beginning. He is really tired because he was fucking someone else last night.. someone better. He is on his way to better things. It’s just like Hubby. He loves you.. but not for long…”
I snuck out of bed and sat for a while on the spare bedroom floor. I thought maybe I just needed to reason out some fear. I went ahead and went there.. really crying.. really feeling it. I felt drained and better afterwards, picked up my mountain of tissues, washed my face and went to bed. I woke two more times. I woke at about 430 am. I just felt so sad and so full of fear. I felt sure I would lose everything and everyone and that none of this.. not any of it with anyone.. none of my relationships and nobody else’s relationships either…that nothing really lasts and that I would be replaced, picked last, abandoned, and unloved.
Every new layer of this old fear danced in my brain.
Great Date woke and held me and was reassuring. I told him pretty much every dark little thought and fear, and out loud so many of them just dissipated. Some are harder, and we talked through those too.
I wanted to fuck him this morning, to exorcise my demons and feel that connection, but we didn’t. He talked to me and held me, kissed me and loved me, and crawled back in bed with me for a while and fell asleep in my arms. I apologized a dozen times and a dozen was told that I didn’t do anything wrong. He looked in my eyes and told me “We are okay. We are more than okay honey. We are great and I love you”. I hate that I needed that, but I needed that.
I called Hubby and asked for and got his reassurance too. I don’t know if I can believe his promises that he isn’t going anywhere, but I want to and they sound sincere.
I’m eating now and heading to the gym to sweat some of this out. I’ll take a shower and do the right things to take care of myself today, eating well, getting exercise, drinking water and staying busy, and then tonight I’ll have my date with Traveler. We’re planning to shoot some pool and that sounds good. I’d like to think about angles and english and talk smack. Although I’ve been shockingly emo lately, I’m a tough girl, remember? We don’t like to get too mushy. For today, everyone is okay. Hubby and I are okay. Great Date and I are okay. Traveler and I are okay. Me, Myself and I are okay. If nothing lasted, and really nothing does if you pull back far enough, it’s all okay. I will be okay with or without my loves, and that’s a good thing to remember. Having said that though, it was really nice to be reassured. I can be a tough girl and deal with my own shit, but it’s nice when you help me. Thank you.